Saturday, July 29, 2017

Some changes

Time for a change...ok nothing big but I am going to try to let up some of the privacy up of my blog.  

Content will still remain the same and be anything from being a mother, to my hips to pretty much whatever.  Most importantly it will be honesty and real.

Summer is dwindling down to weeks then we will shift back to the rush of school mode.  Again I sometimes wander what if I homeschool?  But as my kids only continue to grow older, I know that it would be a mingle of both---some in school and others homeschooled which doesn't seem ideal or easy.  So for now we will send them off to school.  Our oldest is a senior in high school.  We have already been on a couple of college tours.  

Brady had braces put on.  Hannah is going to be an 8th grader.  I can only pray that our Edgar will not be too much for his teacher.  He wants to be right and done first.  And when one or the other or both happen, he tends to shut down and need a lot of encouragement.  

We celebrated Hunter's first birthday.  Time really does go by fast.  

As for myself, not much.  I have been trying to find a workout that works for me.  I like youtube for my workout videos.  Blogilates has been really good and I like how upbeat she keeps it.  Sometimes the workout is keeping the baby at bay but this is where I am at in my life.  

I am learning to live according to God's will for me.  Sometimes His will doesn't align with mine.  This is where I must learn to give my trials to Him.  To let go of what I want and have faith that His plan is much better than the one I want.  


Saturday, April 15, 2017

Here WE Go

It  has once again came around to that decision of do we try, do we abstain, or do we whatever.

Most typically when I breastfeed, I am very fortunate that my cycle will hold off for about a year after baby is born.  This baby I stopped breastfeeding around 7 months.  Our baby didn't sleep for longer then 15-20 minutes for naps during the day.  I was feeling so drained and exhausted physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I was breastfeeding continuously during the night.  He was never content but instead always very fussy, whatever sleep he would get was a very restless sleep.  He cried a lot.  He was constantly getting cold after cold.  I understand that babies are building the immunity but this was not normal.  His poops were a frothy green sometimes filled with mucous.  Again not normal.  Finally after a lot of sleepless nights, hard to get thru days, and questioning everything about being a mother, I made the decision to try formula.  At first he seemed to be ok. But after a few days all symptoms would return.  I finally researched on and found that sometimes babies can have a sensitivity/allergy to the protein in cows milk.  Now I wasn't giving him cows milk directly but I would consume cheese with tacos, eat cottage cheese, eat ice cream.  All things that I love.  I thought perhaps it was lactose intolerance as it does effect some relatives.  But again he wasn't taking to those formulas either.  I didn't have it in me to remove all forms of dairy.  I lived off quick easy to grab food because again when baby is inconsolable you are desperate.

I read more about similac alimentum.  I didn't hesitate and bought that pricey can of formula.  The BEST decision I felt I had made as a mother for my baby.  He SLEPT!  I mean this baby of mine SLEPT and not just slept but he slept peaceful and calm.  It wasn't because I was lazy or a bad mother.  No thrashing and crying out.  His poops cleared up!  Yes I was excited for poop.  We also discovered he doesn't tolerate eggs, bananas, or soy. We stick to the basic veggies for now.  It is like Hunter is a whole different baby.  He smiles, he is scooching his bottom along the crawl.  No he doesn't crawl he sits up and scooches.  It is quite silly to watch.  He wants to play on the floor.

But with the switch to formula has meant the return of my period.  We have chosen to practice NFP (natural family planning).  We use creighton model.  WE get to communicate every day about if we want to try, abstain, or whatever.  For now I just don't know what I want.  That is ok.  I don't want the heartache of worry about what if I miscarry or what about testing and it is negative.  That disappoint is real and it doesn't feel good.  But we learn to keep moving forward.  We get to talk thru this every day and make a decision what we feel is the best for us.

This month I went on ahead and put an order in for some inexpensive tests and one box of the better tests.  They came Friday.  I don't know what we will decide and that is ok.

Friday, January 27, 2017

Catch up Time...

It has been over a year since I last blogged.  A lot has come about and a lot has gotten in the way of me just sitting down and letting my brain words just flow down through my fingers.  But I will keep it short and brief in hope to get everyone caught back up.

We did get pregnant and I did need progesterone for the first 13 weeks.  This was a first for me.  I had the typical hyperemesis gravidurum that hits me the first twenty weeks at least.  But this pregnancy decided that it needed to stay around the whole nine months and then some.  Yes after giving birth I had only one nurse question me about feeling sick after giving birth.  Her words "well I don't understand why you would still be sick, you have had the baby."  Ummm me either but I am going to throw up and I don't think pregnancy hormones exit out right after giving birth and we all go back to normal just like the snap of a finger.  instead it takes time.  I remained on half a unisom in the morning and the other half at bedtime until the last month where I needed a half during the afternoon because the sickness picked up again.

I did have these fainting spells that would occur out of no where with no cause so I was referred to a cardio dr.  Where I got to wear this monitor called king of hearts for two weeks and when I felt the heart flutters or  I felt faint I would push the button and it would record that episode.  I had a sono of the heart and an X-ray and EKG.  What we found out was that it was SVT or sinus ventricular tachycardia causing me to faint.  My heart rate would go from 110 to 160-180 just like that.  Sadly I was not able to have the heart flutters that I was experiencing during the two weeks.  But I still had  the flutters here and there and still do to this day.  It is such an odd feeling. I also was out of breath just going to the bathroom.  I felt like I was out of shape.  It was not fun.  Turning over in bed was a workout.

We had planned on a home birth but at my final ob appt my blood pressure shot up to numbers I have never seen.  I typically run low during pregnancy and low in general.  So again a new experience.  Even the dr was shocked and I think confused and was hoping it was just a fluke.  He let me go home and wanted me to come back the following day.  So I did that.  But it was still high 140/90.  Being that I never experienced this before I finally made the decision it was best to go into the hospital to what I thought was to be monitored.  Instead the plan was really to be induced since I was 40 weeks 5 days.  My longest pregnancy to carry yet.  I felt this immense pain because I was really desiring to birth at home.  I kept it inside myself that deep pain and smiled on the outside.  I pretended all was ok but I wasn't.  I was disappointed in myself.  I felt judgement by other home birth mom friends because I figured they would think it was because I didn't try hard enough, or I didn't take care of myself.  Having HG is hard.  And all 9 months I fought to get myself to just drink what I could which was a sweet tea and eat what I could keep down.  But it is ok and will be ok because I am slowly learning to heal from this.  After 14-16 hours of labor we had our baby boy.  Our oldest was present for his birth and took pictures so that my husband could support me because he knew I was hurting.

I then went on to have postpartum hypertension and needed to be on medication for the first six weeks.  I ended up swelling up even more after wards and made an er trip because my blood pressure kept going up.  The er dr was so kind and amazing.  He and the ob dr made the decision to let me go home and continue to watch my pressures.  Which I did.  But they slowly came down.  Still nothing to what I typically run.  I can now say at over 6 months out my blood pressure is almost back to normal.  Sadly my postpartum weight is not.  But hey we can't have it all.  One thing at a time.  Again something that I am learning.

We had also planned for a screw removal for our oldest and myself after giving birth, and scheduled an actual appointment with Dr. Millis for us both and for our 5th child who was at the time 7 years old.  Our now 8 year old did have X-rays before but nothing showed besides some outward signs of the way she ran and the way her joints were.  This set of X-ray confirmed what we suspected. Paylynn does have hip dysplasia.  Interesting to me because previous X-rays showed nothing just outwards signs.  I am also suspecting our 6 year old has some form of a hip issue himself again because of the way he runs. But we have decided to hold off with X-rays and focus on our oldest as she is still needing further surgeries to straighten out her lower legs as they turn very far inwards.  Dr. Millis also agreed to hold off surgery for Paylynn and wait a few extra years when she can have the surgery her big sister Arianna had.  Paylynn also is what they called  "gummy bear" in other words she is very hyper mobile.  My hip X-rays showed little change so the surgery was worth it and slowed the progression of losing more cartilage drastically.  I was happy for that news.  Our oldest was able to get her screws out but I was not due to my blood pressure.  It had to be cancelled.  The ob didn't feel comfortable with me having surgery and the anesthesia department agreed.  I thought otherwise because it is a simple surgery.  Oh well I still have my screws and now undecided as when they will be taken out.  Again it was a huge disappointment to me.  We had turned the trip into a vacation with  just our girls and of course baby.

Overall my hips feel good and I am able to walk.  That was until two weeks ago when I decided to walk up and down our stairs multiple times as I started soaping again.  Yea!  I mean that too with excitement.  I enjoy crafting when I am not in the midst of a crying baby or demanding toddler or meeting the needs of the other six kids.  But I do try to make some time to craft.  So I was excited as I hadn't soaped since who knows how many months.  I think I tried during pregnancy but the smells were too much and had to hold off.  Then afterwards, baby was a whole different baby then our previous babies.  He was a very fussy and restless baby.  He cried a lot.  He still cries a lot.  I finally made the decision as did my husband that we would try formula.  And at first he fought the bottle but he did eventually take it.  So for the last few weeks now he gets a bottle during the day and I still breastfeed at night.  But he is a restless sleeper.  I also was going to do baby led weaning and cloth diaper him.  But again, he is a very demanding baby and this is a first for me.  And I don't need to add something that is going to increase the stress.

But in the midst of walking up and down our stairs I did something to my left hip because I was hobbling around for the rest of the week and still two weeks later still have this deep ache.  the limping is getting better. So I am thinking I overstrained the labrum or a slight tear.  I didn't go to the dr as the local drs don't really understand much about the hip issue.

I feel I have experienced lots of firsts.  And that I am learning that I don't understand a lot at all.  I have been feeling that jealousy and envy of friends who have had a home birth.  I was looking forward to being able to have that experience but I didn't.  I was far from that experience as I was induced something that was new to me.  Having blood pressure issues was new to me.  I wasn't able to have my hip screws removed so that is still in the undecided future as to when they can get removed.  I had a lot of crap that was said to me after just having a baby.  My husband was asked about how much weight I gained.  I only know this because that evening I was in the tub soaking with the door open and he was on the phone and I heard.  I cried because I had a lot of water weight from the pregnancy and caused me to swell.  I think I was able to gain about 7 pounds from where I started due to progesterone but otherwise the HG really hit me hard.  And yes I could smile thru terrible days, I am good at putting that smile on and covering the inner being of myself.  That is not good always because sometimes the ugly needs to be seen so that the truth can be known.  Then I was approached about how my decision to birth at home was terrible and I was given a good talk for a good 15 minutes.  I had to excuse myself again to fight back tears.  Again it was just days after giving birth, there was no congrats, or how are you.  There was no concern as to how i was doing.  I was told I should consider getting my tubes tied.  I don't believe in contraception.  If you do then ok but I don't.  WE have chosen to practice NFP and yes it does work.  I did end up with postpartum depression really bad.  Zoloft didn't work and so I went to see the NaPro dr and she gave me a shot of progesterone which that made a world of difference.

I still am struggling with accepting that I didn't get to have a home birth.  I also struggle with trusting in God's plan for me.  I don't see what He has for me.  I have been keeping an inspirational journal.  I have had a lot of anger but it is really from that deep pain of hurt and suffering.  It can be hard to take that deep pain and suffering and give it praise and thanks.  Because really that pain and suffering can make us stronger.  Make us grow into a better person.  Again something I am trying to do for myself.  I have failed so many times along the way.  But I am trying.  I am trying to do for others what I would want done for me.  Again most of that means stepping out of my comfort.  Perhaps sending that message or text and just checking in to see how someone is doing.  offering a meal or setting up a meal for a family that needs help.  Maybe speaking out for what I stand for or when someone has overstepped their say.  These things are hard.  Easy to type but hard to do because for some reason or other there is  that hurt that wants to hold me back.  And I am trying.

If you have made it this far, then give yourself a treat because it was long.  It was like a year and a half condensed.  So here is some pictures...

Biggest sister Arianna and littlest brother Hunter

Vacation time---Husband and daughter

Paylynn all dressed for her hip X-rays and rocking' those blue paper shorts

The tiny beach was so beautiful and RELAXING! Emma and Paylynn

Daddy and Hunter
That smile but I was feeling soooo sick.  I just wanted to be home with my comforts.  HG is real and it is HARD.  If you never have experienced it please don't offer advice just offer support.  This is what a woman needs who suffers with HG.  Because a good chance she has tried everything because HG leads to desperation.  Why the support is needed greatly.  Don't ask just bring her a meal.  Come over and play with her kids.  Start her laundry.  Otherwise given the choice she will say no because to her it shows a sign of weakness and please don't hold this over head by telling her to contracept.  Support her.  

Welcome to the world Hunter Matthias
6pounds 15ounces
1251pm--or close to it---i think

"You will be my refuge, Lord.  I will continue to ask things of You, but I will do my best to open my heart that life and suffering are something I need in order to be ready for what is truly real and waiting for me."

Saturday, October 17, 2015

The Battle of Self

I had my P+7 draw on Monday and then I had my followup with the doctor Tuesday.

My progesterone level was 20 which was good for where I was in my cycle.  But she did say that she would supplement during pregnancy for the first trimester.  My estradiol was 124.5 also within the 7-700 range of being normal.  
It was only a day wait to get answers  but what God says is "no".  He says "no" to having answers.  He really wants me to let go and die to self so that I can put my full trust in Him.  

I want to understand.  I want answers.  I feel like a child being told "no".  I don't like it.  I am searching for anything to just grasp onto.  But the thing is I do have everything.  So why can't I just accept that?  Because I want something or think I do.  I have that fear of just letting go and saying "Jesus,I trust in You," when I am walking down this path of uncertainty and confusion of what is before me.  

There is that lingering fear that I want to hold on to.  But I must die to that fear and really let go.  I am not alone.  He wants to take me by the hand and guide me through this difficult road of uncertainty and show me something greater.  And as I try to hold on to what I know, the harder it becomes.  This is how the devil twists something so simple and complicates our life.  

The beauty of sorrow and pain is that we can share in the passion Jesus had for us when he died on the cross. The hope was His Resurrection. There will ALWAYS be hope that will end the pain that sorrow brings.  I don't face this struggle alone.  But I must die to self to find that hope.  

Spending time in His presence as the world is silenced for that moment and let Him surround me as I just let go of what I want to understand and know.  

The challenge is the want and will to die to self.  This is much easier to be said then to live and actually do.  It is even more complicated when that one want and desire is holding us back from receiving Our Lord to the fullest and living for Him.  But when we do let go, the beauty of life will shine through us and His greatness can work through us for the world around us to see.  And the devil knows this and makes every attempt to hold us back and keep hold of that selfish I.

Thursday, October 1, 2015

A Mother for Eternity

October is awareness of pregnancy and infant loss.

It is hard to let go and say I trust you God.

I have not felt that closure or peace from our recent miscarriage on 8/23/15.  Everyday is a struggle to push myself to get through.  I am currently taking an antidepressant and anti anxiety.  I don't feel like me.  I hardly get through each day.  But as I don't want to be reliant on medications, I am also seeking counseling.

This week I was counseled twice.  The first was by our new pastor.  That was Tuesday evening.  And let me just say I was nervous.  I didn't know what to expect.  I emailed him letting him know how I was feeling that I was angry with God.  That I hurt and struggled with how can this be and why me.  Yes I was honest.  And after pushing the send I thought "did I just really email a priest telling him I am angry with God?!"  I didn't receive an immediate response so I kind of thought and hoped maybe it didn't actually go through.  But it did and he wanted to schedule a meeting.  So Tuesday evening it was.

The best decision I could've ever done.  He gave me spiritual and real life guidance.  I left with bible verses that he went over with me told me it was ok to feel this way.  That right now I am ok.  This is my garden of Gethsemane, this was my suffering, this was my blood and it was ok and it is real.  He gave me these three bible verses:
LAM 3:28-33
JER 31: 15-17
EPH 4:26

He told me that the peace will come. The Holy Spirit will bring that peace.  There is hope but only God knows when that is and that is hard and that is ok.  He said I am a mother of 9 and always will be.  Though I may have only had the two for a very short time, I will still be their mother for all eternity.

Yes I left feeling with hope.  I knew I would still have the hurt and I will have to face that fear of the future but I had hope that in that moment Everything really will be ok.  I will get through this.

Then on Wednesday I also saw a counselor.  She also was amazing.  She really listened.  She also reinforced that it is ok to feel this way.  That God has given this to us to feel.  That through our suffering we can draw closer to Him.  And that is ok.

The Lord, my God, I trust in thee.  As I give myself to You, I am scared but I know You will carry me through this and that alone is enough for me.  I may fall down and cry but You will still remain by my side and wait, never giving up.  

Our Little Saints in Heaven
Michael Sophia 12/11/12
Madison Philomena 8/23/15

Sunday, September 20, 2015

A Year of Heartache...

Last months on 8/23 I began to bleed.  It was a Sunday.  But I had that impending doom feeling the day before.  I just had this feeling.

A week earlier I found out well actually my husband read the test and I didn't find out until a couple days later but we were EXPECTING!  That was some pretty damn good news.  I even had the morning sickness heading my way.  I was ready for this.  It has been nothing but heartbreak after heartbreak.  And being told to just relax, I get pregnant easily, or my charts look good.  That is not encouraging to my ears when every cycle was a negative.  But not this cycle.  It finally happened!

But 8/23 Heaven received a little Saint.  My heart broke.  It just crumbled.  And I couldn't talk about it with very many as I have just been so closed off about our trying because I don't want more words of hurt or shame since I have 7.  I know me and I know that I couldn't take hearing that "it was for the best" "I have 7 and want more" "things happen for a reason"  I don't want to hear things like this.  I want love and when God says "no" it is the hardest thing.  Because His "no" is hard when it is something we want so desperately.

This is my cross and it is heavy.  I struggle with just letting go and accepting that God has a plan.  But at almost a year of trying it just destroys me.  It crushes me.  I went to see the NaPro doctor.  She gave me xanax which really worked when my anxiety just would get beyond me.  But I feel I may need a refill or an antidepressant.  I am not doing well mentally.

It hurt when someone close to me didn't like the words I was spewing while I was miscarrying and went on to say some words that just really tore me apart.  And made a Facebook post that I know was directed toward me but now denies it.  I can't take the lies.  I want the truth.  The truth may hurt but lies Destroy.  They rot the soul and who God wants us to be.  Just be honest.  Honesty is healing.

So I hit the shuffle button on my phone to listen to my music.  First three songs are First by Lauren Daigle, How Can It Be by Lauren Daigle, and Lord, I Need You by Matt Maher.  Very appropriate.

Because I am struggling immensely mentally with secondary infertility.  And sadly on the outside, my charts seem great.  But I know they aren't great.  I have said this since my third postpartum cycle.  Something was wrong.  And I feel I am not taken seriously.  "Oh it will happen."  Ok but how long does one have to suffer mentally through this challenge before pushing for answer?  In the rule for guidelines for infertility it is a year of trying with no success if under 35.  That is a lot of heartbreak that a woman has to endure.  I am weak.  I am destroyed.  I am confused.  I am lost.  I am depressed.  I am unhappy.  I am anxious.  I am angry.  Everything I do takes every bit of me to just keep pushing through day just to end the cycle with heartbreak as a new cycle begins.

But at year of trying I finally asked for blood work.  This cycle I go in for P+7 progesterone and estradiol draw.  Can I just say anxiety is at a high.  I don't understand.  This is just out of my control and it is hard to just hand this over when I just want a baby.  It seriously messes with me and gives me constant mental battles.  I look at my charts and say "how is this happening"  "why won't anyone just listen" "why must I keep going through this heartache".

I pray.  I find I argue with God.  I find I turn to God.  I find Mother Mary to be very comforting as she suffered immensely with her seven sorrows that pierced her mother's heart.  She is pure peace and comfort to my aching mother's heart.  She intercedes for me.  God knows not the time that we humans know.  And that is hard.  I am having trouble dying to self and living for God on this personal battle of secondary infertlity.  I am human and my desires and pains are real.

Living for God can be the best and easiest when all is going well but turing to God when the times are difficult are the times when we must really die to self to live for Him.  He loves us despite all our wrongs and is ALWAYS there.  He understands. Seek Him and we will find His love and mercy with all His graces.

Thursday, September 3, 2015

Through the Sorrow

Last week is done, it is in the past.  The hurt and pain is still lingering.  Miscarrying is devastating.

It hasn't been an easy journey.  Last week I just really struggled to the point my husband was concerned and thought it best to make an appt with the NaPro dr.  I saw her that Friday.  She was wonderful.  She gave me a prescription for xanax for anxiety and to let her know that if I don't feel more like myself or just not getting better to let her know I may need an antidepressant.  She also referred me to a counselor she recommends to all her NFP couples that are struggling to conceive and/or have miscarried.  She also suggested maybe I could find a novena to pray and then also proceeded to hand me a card of her favorite saint.  She even had the card in the room with a prayer on the back.  St. Gianna pray for me.  She didn't make me feel like I am crazy but that I am going through the grieving process and this is NORMAL.   Her nurse is also wonderful.  She told me that if I needed to talk to give her a call and she will just listen.  That is what we all could learn to do more is LISTEN not speak.

With a new week and the kids after school activities and practices, it has been keeping me busy.  I have also been trying to walk every other day just to get outside and free my mind and body and soul because I could just sit inside and dwell on the why did this have to happen but God has a plan and I don't understand which I may not get to understand in this earthly life.  I have also been making homemade soap to stock my etsy shop and to get ready for a craft fair.  I forget how much I enjoy knitting and have began to work on hand puppets to take to the fair and post on my etsy page.

I am a person that enjoys music.  I have found some powerful christian music to feel my ears and to just sing along to.

All this I do to help mend the raw wound.  Do I still cry?  Yes.  Nights are my toughest.  Despite all I can and could do, I still have the fact that at the end of the day, everything is in God's hands and that what I want may not be what He wants for me.  And that is hard at night to just let that go and give my everything to Him.  I am angry and hurt but I know He loves me and always will.  He doesn't hurt me.  He only loves me.  He wants to give me all of Him.  He walks through this pain and cries through this with me.  I am His child.  I am His.  Through all of this, I must be open to receive Him even through the sorrows.  I can overcome this.  Blest be His Holy Name.