Infertility

This month is coming to a close.

It has been such a rollercoaster for me personally.  As my yearly female check approached, I was apprehensive about bringing up the possibility of infertility.  Ok, wait what infertility?!?!  How could I want more kids.  Isn't seven enough?!  Am I out of my mind?!  Yes why I felt the apprehension and stress and anger about my upcoming appointment as to whether I should even bother.  I mean the thought of "what if he laughs or just tells me to give it time or there is nothing we can do.  And that I am just a whack-o who has enough kids already."

Now I had talked a little bit with a friend about how I just wasn't getting pregnant and on paper my cycles look amazing so why wasn't it happening?  She suggested seeing a NaPro dr but I decided to wait and just see what my OBGYN dr would say.  I just thought maybe since I haven't dealt with this he may be more apt to give me advice and being able to look at my history.  But like I said I felt stupid with my charts that look textbook.  As I know I am not textbook though.

So I brought it up.  His nurse told me that I just need to relax and it will happen not to worry everything looked good.  Ugh I know that.  Dr did mention fertility clinic and how I may be the very disliked by the women who go there and can't even have one and I have 7.  He mentioned medicine that can jumpstart the brain into trying to make the ovaries ovulate. He said to just keep having sex for now since it hasn't been a complete year.  I am on my 8th cycle so far.

This is hard on me.  I don't like being asked if I am pregnant if I say I am tired.  I don't like to be questioned for the decisions I make.  And I don't like any of this.  I just don't.  It is hard on me.  It is hard to hear "all in God's time."  Or how NFP is also about being open to God's plan whether it ends in a pregnancy or not.  This is all hard to hear when I feel so raw on the inside.  So who do I take this anger and frustration and hurt on...my husband and God.  Yes it has been a challenge every cycle.  Yes I have sat and argued with God about how unfair he is being.  And then I think that I am being mean and selfish.

Yes I am ready for this month to come to an end and put it all behind me.  I don't want to be told anything.  I want someone to come sit with me and cry or laugh.  That is all.  I don't need guidance.  I don't want guidance right now.  I just need support.  I need encouragement that everything I try to do is good.  Because I feel like such a failure.

A Penciled in Date

We have a penciled in date for Arianna's right hip surgery!

Yes this date may have the possibility of change but we can work with that.  It is just good to have something to plan.  We have already let the school know the plans.  And it will get her through the bands marching season.

As of now that date is November 20th a Friday which also means a preop that Thursday November 19th.  So fly out Wednesday the 18th.

This date will only have her missing a few days and then the following week school is out for the entire week for inservice and Thanksgiving.

We also enrolled Edgar for preschool!  As of now they have him in the morning class with same teacher Paylynn had.  School starts at 815 for him.  So if it all works out then I can drop off my SFA kids, head over to BC and drop off Arianna, and head back toward home to drop Edgar off by 8-805.  We are also planning on him riding the bus home.

So for four days out of the week it will just be Theodore and myself, that is for about 3.5 hours anyways.  I am sure that time will fly but hey my hope is that I can focus on the house and projects that are on this "I will get to some day" list---lol.

This is good news!  Good news that is much appreciated.

Sometimes in life's struggles, that little bit of sunshine that shines through that heavy cloud is enough to keep us going and pushing through the struggles.  

Waiting and Planning

With not much success in trying to plan Arianna's right hip surgery, we finally decided that it will just  be put on hold until after marching band season.  The dates we were given just were difficult to squeeze into the limited time frame we had available.  For instance May 11th wouldn't have worked as a preop wouldn't have been until the previous week and that isn't very cost effective to stay in a hotel or even fly home and back out there again.  May 15th put her hospital stay and return right into finals week so that just wouldn't do either.  She is also doing a word processing class over the summer which starts the first week of June and goes for four weeks.

Next available was June 29th with a preop on June 26th and there again cost of hotel stay just wasn't doable.  Other date was July 31st.  Band camp was that following week and school starting a couple weeks from that and marching band season getting quickly underway.  We asked her how important marching band was to her and as expected it is a huge deal for a high schooler that is in band, that is.  So I wasn't about to pull her our for surgery.  

 

Instead we will just wait until late fall and go from there.  

First Communion

Emma made her First Communion on Saturday April 11. 2015.

She told me how excited she was but nervous too.  It was a beautiful weather too.

We scheduled her pictures at 1130am even though the mass didn't start until 1pm.  But it is nice to have a good seat so I could see her.  After pictures we just went over to church to save our spot.  Brady served at the mass too.  

After the mass, each class took a quick group shot and then I snapped a few off to the side with grandparents, her godmother, and of course us.  We still had to pick up the cake.  She wanted an ice-cream cake from Dairy Queen.

We were short about 5 people, but other plans came up which called them elsewhere.  It made just a nice little get together.

She picked out her dress and she wanted heels.  She was very determined about having heels.  Thank you to Payless we found her heels after two other stops before. Her veil was our gift to her.

Emma Noel
April 11,2015
First Communion

Tick

WARNING: Pictures to follow

Sometimes a week can be full of adventures.  Last week was one of those weeks.

Tuesday morning when I went to fix Paylynn's hair in a french braid, I felt something.  I thought maybe dried shampoo or a scab.  I searched the spot and saw what at first glance was maybe a scab but when I looked closer I noticed there were legs and then quickly knew it was a tick burrowed in her scalp.  I literally went into worse case scenario thoughts of "oh my gosh my child has lyme disease" and panic mode set in.  I don't do bugs or insects or spiders or snakes.  Nope I just get heeby jeebies and freak out.  Yes I am that person you wold see swatting at the air and it could just be a strand of hair on my arm.

Now I have had to look our older son over when he would return home from boy scout camping trips.  And I prayed that I would not encounter one and thankfully never did.  I have heard about ticks but honestly I just don't go in search of them.   Who really does?  And I sure don't think to check my kids over since I don't live in a wooded area.  I do have a ditch behind our yard but really I just don't think much about that as I don't let the kids play back behind our fence.  That was until Tuesday morning.

For some reason, calling my husband at work seemed like the sure thing to do.  Why? Because really what was he going to do?!  He must have gotten on his phone but he walked me through what to do.  Grab the tick by the head and pull upwards then wipe down the spot with alcohol.  Ok I had to get over the fear of grabbing a live bug that was attacked to my daughter's scalp.  So I grabbed and freaked.  I took a breathe and grabbed again and pulled upwards but no luck  that ugly tick was stuck and held on.  I had no idea that they embedded into the skin and were quite hard to remove.  Search on youtube for a video removal of a tick and you will see how the skin actually pulls up as it it being removed.  YUCK!  Anyways I called for Brady, yes I am such a wimp.  By this time I had all the kids in my bathroom all worried about Paylynn. And Paylynn remained calm.  I asked Brady what he knew about ticks from scouts.  He actually knew quite a bit so I gave him the tweezers and told him what he needed to do.  He took the tweezers and I held the bowl.  He was my hero!   Plus maybe the offering of $ was a bit more enticement to get that nasty tick out of her scalp.  But it came out.  I quickly examined Paylynn's scalp and noticed nothing left behind and wiped the area with an alcohol swab.

Once removed I put it in a baggie and then a jar with a lid.  After I took the kids to school, I did end up calling the doctor office to see if I needed to be doing anything else. The nurse said watch the area and if she comes down with flu like symptoms then to bring her in.  I also searched the other kids scalp and backs but told them to look their bodies over really good after school.  I will admit that the rest of the day I just like had bugs on me.  I did wash sheets the next day.  Overload...probably but hey if it puts my mind ease then so be it.

Clothes and Planning

Everyday has a little crazy but somedays just a bit more.   The other day the little girls closet rod fell down.  It was a good thing as I have been putting off sorting through their clothes.  Sorting clothes is a task I am very well behind and honestly just don't like to do.  I don't know what to keep or hold on to.  It is easy if they are worn or torn but when they are in good condition I apparently seem to have some kind of memory attachment.  I do try to pass down to the next child but grandparents do buy them new clothes for birthdays or Christmas or just because.  It isn't a bad thing.   It just can overwhelm the senses and the little kids when they have too much of a good thing and then don't know what to wear.  

 It has forced me to face what I dread and put off.  I did get the spring/summer clothes that fit put up and then pulled out the fall/winter or anything to small out.  I currently have that in a pile to sort through and try to downsize.  It might be easier to just let the girls make the decision on what they like/love.  A good thing to work on while they have a few extra days off.  

I also called and emailed about scheduling a screw removal and planning Arianna's right hip surgery.  It is a little tricky planning Arianna's.  I was able to get a couple dates to start with.  Monday May 11 or Friday May 15th.  The issue with Arianna is finals are May 20 and 21st.  Summer school for her word processing class that she needs for credit starts beginning of June and goes for four weeks.   I don't want to schedule to late into the summer either so she isn't going back to school on crutches.    But before going into freak out or any kind of crazy mode Dustin emailed the school counselor to inform them what we were looking at.  Her response was very positive.  They can only miss a total of 10 days/semester and anything there after is more paper work and involving the doctor to get a better plan of action.  She even stated we could work with her finals.  All very uplifting news.  

Dr Millis even called but I was on my way from picking up the school kids and missed his call.  He also wrote an email.  We did reply about how our hips are doing.  And he wrote back stating that he would get the surgical papers around so we could get some dates figured out!  This is exciting.  

Lots of possibilities!  It is all going to work as it is intended too.  

Trust with a child like heart that where we are at is where we are meant to be.  Live in the moment not the past or future.  

New Spring Clothes

With where I am at in my life currently, clothes shopping can be a challenge.  I am not really a jeans lover and never have been.  They just feel really heavy on and just don't seem to ever fit me right.  So I just stick to pants with elastic waist bands.  I was hesitant to buy a pair of yoga capris as I just felt like I would feel self conscience in them.  But I finally decided to just go for it when my husband won a gift card on black Friday.  And all I can say is they really are amazing.  They give and yet define and I am not talking about the rear but I feel like since I am petite that they don't swallow me up.

But then came the issue with finding tops.  I am still breastfeeding the youngest one.  Yes for some 15 months may be too much.  Each to their own.  So instead of negative thoughts I really encourage something positive because as this is my choice it always wonderful to hear something good.  Anyway a little sidetracked there but back on subject.  There are some really beautiful tops out there. Problem is I don't like it clung to me or I don't want to fight with my shirt when I am trying to nurse Theodore.  But I also don't want to look frumpy which is what I was beginning to feel like.  I have some tops that are really soft but just don't accentuate my body type currently.  It was beginning to become a chore and all I was in search of was a couple of tops for everyday that made me feel good about myself.  I needed some color in the day to day wardrobe.  

Because I haven't lost the baby weight like I have managed to do with the previous 6 kids.  I am about 20 pounds over.  And again I know to some that isn't huge but again I am not tall so I just feel short and pudgy.  It finally came to me that what I was looking for was all wrong.  I was needing buttons and a lightweight material in the form of a high/low style.  So I ventured into Marshall's about a month ago.  I saw a button down top with colorful little flower print and thought I would give it a go.  I absolutely loved it!  The colors are bright and cheerful.  The buttons make it easy to nurse in.  It is a high low top so I like it with my yoga capris.  It just makes me feel good!

I decided last week to go back and see if I could find anything else.  And I came across 3 more different colors of button down, lightweight high low tops.  Just loving them all!  They are modest and yet what I need that fits where I am at currently.

The first picture is me in the peachy orange.  I really loved the lace.  And the buttons are flowers.  Just felt like me.  I wasn't sure about the blue and pale blush colored on with my skin and hair color but I paired it with a necklace and once again really liked it.