More Frustrations

Yesterday was our introductory class to the Creighton model.  It was HOT because the air conditioner was broken.  So yes a 97 some degree and the air broken was just not a great time.  To make it that much more undesirable the guy my husband sat next too smelled heavily of liquor/alcohol and kept burping.  My husband by the end was NOT thrilled or happy to say the least.

Things surfaced for both of us in such a brief moment.  I could understand my husband's unhappiness.  He worked a long day delivering the mail in the heat and then went with me to sit in a class with the air broken.  He felt that this class was the same was the Family of Americas that we had taken back in 2012.  I have had these exact feelings cross my mind multiple times.  He told me it felt like a money scam.  How many ways can we observe the cervical mucus and give it a different name.  This of course made me feel bad because this class was $33.  Then 8 followup visits are $30 each.  I am to schedule an appointment with the NaPro dr after two cycles and go from there.  All I see is this could get costly.

It just really sucks.  Yes I said it---sucks.  I don't understand.  I go from one cycle being 35 days to the next cycle being 22 days.  It is stressful on our marriage.  I either find myself crying or just not wanting to try or just wanting to give up, then to feeling angry with those who want to tell me they understand.  I am just at emotional imbalance with this process.  It isn't fun.  It is hard to keep my focus on how this will only make us a stronger couple.  How this can only draw me closer to God.  Because right now I see tears---tears of pain and hurt and sadness. I don't understand the why.  I don't understand myself with any of this.  I just know that I am not alone.  I am never alone.

GREAT things must never be rushed for God knows no time.  

Guidance through our darkness

I saw a NaPro dr this week.  She was helpful but I have to go back in two months.  She uses the creighton model for cycle charting.  We took the Family of Americas NFP class.

That was disheartening.  I know it will be good in the long run.  But in the moment you can't help but feel sad as I just want answers now to the why.  Impatient is what I feel I am.

I went on ahead and scheduled our initial class for June 22.  And then followups to make sure I am grasping the charting.

Along this I also get to track my moods and what I eat.

I guess I just feel confused.

On a different note, my youngest sister found out she doesn't qualify for a PAO.  The dr she saw felt she wasn't a candidate for the surgery as her hips were too far gone to make it worth it.  So now she is looking at trying to hold off or just schedule a hip replacement.  As I wasn't faced with making that choice, I am trying to help her out.  I feel like she is doing things that don't make sense to me.

She went on ahead and scheduled her hip replacements with the dr she saw in St Loiuse.  I don't understand as there are local surgeons that are fully capable of doing hip replacements.  I know she wants to meet her deductible by doing both hips in the same year.  I also feel she should send her X-rays off to other top notch drs and get their opinions on her hip issue.  And also to schedule with a local ortho dr as he would be the one to followup with and can also help guide her on their thoughts about a hip replacement.

But I am not her.  I just know what I went through and just wasn't easy.  I want to help her ease the stress she must be feeling.  And also that she isn't alone through this.  I don't want her to make such haste decisions right now as much as she wants too because her pain is there more and possibly on a daily basis.  I just want her to take one step at a time and I don't want to see her hurt.

Maybe all I can do is pray for her guidance for now.  Just like I need to pray for my own guidance.

He will give if it is in His will for us.

He won't give if doesn't fit in His will for us.

He will wait to give as He has a better plan for us. 

And all this can be hard when we want now.  

Infertility

This month is coming to a close.

It has been such a rollercoaster for me personally.  As my yearly female check approached, I was apprehensive about bringing up the possibility of infertility.  Ok, wait what infertility?!?!  How could I want more kids.  Isn't seven enough?!  Am I out of my mind?!  Yes why I felt the apprehension and stress and anger about my upcoming appointment as to whether I should even bother.  I mean the thought of "what if he laughs or just tells me to give it time or there is nothing we can do.  And that I am just a whack-o who has enough kids already."

Now I had talked a little bit with a friend about how I just wasn't getting pregnant and on paper my cycles look amazing so why wasn't it happening?  She suggested seeing a NaPro dr but I decided to wait and just see what my OBGYN dr would say.  I just thought maybe since I haven't dealt with this he may be more apt to give me advice and being able to look at my history.  But like I said I felt stupid with my charts that look textbook.  As I know I am not textbook though.

So I brought it up.  His nurse told me that I just need to relax and it will happen not to worry everything looked good.  Ugh I know that.  Dr did mention fertility clinic and how I may be the very disliked by the women who go there and can't even have one and I have 7.  He mentioned medicine that can jumpstart the brain into trying to make the ovaries ovulate. He said to just keep having sex for now since it hasn't been a complete year.  I am on my 8th cycle so far.

This is hard on me.  I don't like being asked if I am pregnant if I say I am tired.  I don't like to be questioned for the decisions I make.  And I don't like any of this.  I just don't.  It is hard on me.  It is hard to hear "all in God's time."  Or how NFP is also about being open to God's plan whether it ends in a pregnancy or not.  This is all hard to hear when I feel so raw on the inside.  So who do I take this anger and frustration and hurt on...my husband and God.  Yes it has been a challenge every cycle.  Yes I have sat and argued with God about how unfair he is being.  And then I think that I am being mean and selfish.

Yes I am ready for this month to come to an end and put it all behind me.  I don't want to be told anything.  I want someone to come sit with me and cry or laugh.  That is all.  I don't need guidance.  I don't want guidance right now.  I just need support.  I need encouragement that everything I try to do is good.  Because I feel like such a failure.

A Penciled in Date

We have a penciled in date for Arianna's right hip surgery!

Yes this date may have the possibility of change but we can work with that.  It is just good to have something to plan.  We have already let the school know the plans.  And it will get her through the bands marching season.

As of now that date is November 20th a Friday which also means a preop that Thursday November 19th.  So fly out Wednesday the 18th.

This date will only have her missing a few days and then the following week school is out for the entire week for inservice and Thanksgiving.

We also enrolled Edgar for preschool!  As of now they have him in the morning class with same teacher Paylynn had.  School starts at 815 for him.  So if it all works out then I can drop off my SFA kids, head over to BC and drop off Arianna, and head back toward home to drop Edgar off by 8-805.  We are also planning on him riding the bus home.

So for four days out of the week it will just be Theodore and myself, that is for about 3.5 hours anyways.  I am sure that time will fly but hey my hope is that I can focus on the house and projects that are on this "I will get to some day" list---lol.

This is good news!  Good news that is much appreciated.

Sometimes in life's struggles, that little bit of sunshine that shines through that heavy cloud is enough to keep us going and pushing through the struggles.  

Waiting and Planning

With not much success in trying to plan Arianna's right hip surgery, we finally decided that it will just  be put on hold until after marching band season.  The dates we were given just were difficult to squeeze into the limited time frame we had available.  For instance May 11th wouldn't have worked as a preop wouldn't have been until the previous week and that isn't very cost effective to stay in a hotel or even fly home and back out there again.  May 15th put her hospital stay and return right into finals week so that just wouldn't do either.  She is also doing a word processing class over the summer which starts the first week of June and goes for four weeks.

Next available was June 29th with a preop on June 26th and there again cost of hotel stay just wasn't doable.  Other date was July 31st.  Band camp was that following week and school starting a couple weeks from that and marching band season getting quickly underway.  We asked her how important marching band was to her and as expected it is a huge deal for a high schooler that is in band, that is.  So I wasn't about to pull her our for surgery.  

 

Instead we will just wait until late fall and go from there.  

First Communion

Emma made her First Communion on Saturday April 11. 2015.

She told me how excited she was but nervous too.  It was a beautiful weather too.

We scheduled her pictures at 1130am even though the mass didn't start until 1pm.  But it is nice to have a good seat so I could see her.  After pictures we just went over to church to save our spot.  Brady served at the mass too.  

After the mass, each class took a quick group shot and then I snapped a few off to the side with grandparents, her godmother, and of course us.  We still had to pick up the cake.  She wanted an ice-cream cake from Dairy Queen.

We were short about 5 people, but other plans came up which called them elsewhere.  It made just a nice little get together.

She picked out her dress and she wanted heels.  She was very determined about having heels.  Thank you to Payless we found her heels after two other stops before. Her veil was our gift to her.

Emma Noel
April 11,2015
First Communion

Tick

WARNING: Pictures to follow

Sometimes a week can be full of adventures.  Last week was one of those weeks.

Tuesday morning when I went to fix Paylynn's hair in a french braid, I felt something.  I thought maybe dried shampoo or a scab.  I searched the spot and saw what at first glance was maybe a scab but when I looked closer I noticed there were legs and then quickly knew it was a tick burrowed in her scalp.  I literally went into worse case scenario thoughts of "oh my gosh my child has lyme disease" and panic mode set in.  I don't do bugs or insects or spiders or snakes.  Nope I just get heeby jeebies and freak out.  Yes I am that person you wold see swatting at the air and it could just be a strand of hair on my arm.

Now I have had to look our older son over when he would return home from boy scout camping trips.  And I prayed that I would not encounter one and thankfully never did.  I have heard about ticks but honestly I just don't go in search of them.   Who really does?  And I sure don't think to check my kids over since I don't live in a wooded area.  I do have a ditch behind our yard but really I just don't think much about that as I don't let the kids play back behind our fence.  That was until Tuesday morning.

For some reason, calling my husband at work seemed like the sure thing to do.  Why? Because really what was he going to do?!  He must have gotten on his phone but he walked me through what to do.  Grab the tick by the head and pull upwards then wipe down the spot with alcohol.  Ok I had to get over the fear of grabbing a live bug that was attacked to my daughter's scalp.  So I grabbed and freaked.  I took a breathe and grabbed again and pulled upwards but no luck  that ugly tick was stuck and held on.  I had no idea that they embedded into the skin and were quite hard to remove.  Search on youtube for a video removal of a tick and you will see how the skin actually pulls up as it it being removed.  YUCK!  Anyways I called for Brady, yes I am such a wimp.  By this time I had all the kids in my bathroom all worried about Paylynn. And Paylynn remained calm.  I asked Brady what he knew about ticks from scouts.  He actually knew quite a bit so I gave him the tweezers and told him what he needed to do.  He took the tweezers and I held the bowl.  He was my hero!   Plus maybe the offering of $ was a bit more enticement to get that nasty tick out of her scalp.  But it came out.  I quickly examined Paylynn's scalp and noticed nothing left behind and wiped the area with an alcohol swab.

Once removed I put it in a baggie and then a jar with a lid.  After I took the kids to school, I did end up calling the doctor office to see if I needed to be doing anything else. The nurse said watch the area and if she comes down with flu like symptoms then to bring her in.  I also searched the other kids scalp and backs but told them to look their bodies over really good after school.  I will admit that the rest of the day I just like had bugs on me.  I did wash sheets the next day.  Overload...probably but hey if it puts my mind ease then so be it.