The Battle of Self

I had my P+7 draw on Monday and then I had my followup with the doctor Tuesday.

My progesterone level was 20 which was good for where I was in my cycle.  But she did say that she would supplement during pregnancy for the first trimester.  My estradiol was 124.5 also within the 7-700 range of being normal.  

It was only a day wait to get answers  but what God says is "no".  He says "no" to having answers.  He really wants me to let go and die to self so that I can put my full trust in Him.  

I want to understand.  I want answers.  I feel like a child being told "no".  I don't like it.  I am searching for anything to just grasp onto.  But the thing is I do have everything.  So why can't I just accept that?  Because I want something or think I do.  I have that fear of just letting go and saying "Jesus,I trust in You," when I am walking down this path of uncertainty and confusion of what is before me.  

There is that lingering fear that I want to hold on to.  But I must die to that fear and really let go.  I am not alone.  He wants to take me by the hand and guide me through this difficult road of uncertainty and show me something greater.  And as I try to hold on to what I know, the harder it becomes.  This is how the devil twists something so simple and complicates our life.  

The beauty of sorrow and pain is that we can share in the passion Jesus had for us when he died on the cross. The hope was His Resurrection. There will ALWAYS be hope that will end the pain that sorrow brings.  I don't face this struggle alone.  But I must die to self to find that hope.  

Spending time in His presence as the world is silenced for that moment and let Him surround me as I just let go of what I want to understand and know.  

The challenge is the want and will to die to self.  This is much easier to be said then to live and actually do.  It is even more complicated when that one want and desire is holding us back from receiving Our Lord to the fullest and living for Him.  But when we do let go, the beauty of life will shine through us and His greatness can work through us for the world around us to see.  And the devil knows this and makes every attempt to hold us back and keep hold of that selfish I.

A Mother for Eternity

October is awareness of pregnancy and infant loss.

It is hard to let go and say I trust you God.

I have not felt that closure or peace from our recent miscarriage on 8/23/15.  Everyday is a struggle to push myself to get through.  I am currently taking an antidepressant and anti anxiety.  I don't feel like me.  I hardly get through each day.  But as I don't want to be reliant on medications, I am also seeking counseling.

This week I was counseled twice.  The first was by our new pastor.  That was Tuesday evening.  And let me just say I was nervous.  I didn't know what to expect.  I emailed him letting him know how I was feeling that I was angry with God.  That I hurt and struggled with how can this be and why me.  Yes I was honest.  And after pushing the send I thought "did I just really email a priest telling him I am angry with God?!"  I didn't receive an immediate response so I kind of thought and hoped maybe it didn't actually go through.  But it did and he wanted to schedule a meeting.  So Tuesday evening it was.

The best decision I could've ever done.  He gave me spiritual and real life guidance.  I left with bible verses that he went over with me told me it was ok to feel this way.  That right now I am ok.  This is my garden of Gethsemane, this was my suffering, this was my blood and it was ok and it is real.  He gave me these three bible verses:
LAM 3:28-33
JER 31: 15-17
EPH 4:26

He told me that the peace will come. The Holy Spirit will bring that peace.  There is hope but only God knows when that is and that is hard and that is ok.  He said I am a mother of 9 and always will be.  Though I may have only had the two for a very short time, I will still be their mother for all eternity.

Yes I left feeling with hope.  I knew I would still have the hurt and I will have to face that fear of the future but I had hope that in that moment Everything really will be ok.  I will get through this.

Then on Wednesday I also saw a counselor.  She also was amazing.  She really listened.  She also reinforced that it is ok to feel this way.  That God has given this to us to feel.  That through our suffering we can draw closer to Him.  And that is ok.

The Lord, my God, I trust in thee.  As I give myself to You, I am scared but I know You will carry me through this and that alone is enough for me.  I may fall down and cry but You will still remain by my side and wait, never giving up.  

Our Little Saints in Heaven

Michael Sophia 12/11/12

Madison Philomena 8/23/15

A Year of Heartache...

Last months on 8/23 I began to bleed.  It was a Sunday.  But I had that impending doom feeling the day before.  I just had this feeling.

A week earlier I found out well actually my husband read the test and I didn't find out until a couple days later but we were EXPECTING!  That was some pretty damn good news.  I even had the morning sickness heading my way.  I was ready for this.  It has been nothing but heartbreak after heartbreak.  And being told to just relax, I get pregnant easily, or my charts look good.  That is not encouraging to my ears when every cycle was a negative.  But not this cycle.  It finally happened!

But 8/23 Heaven received a little Saint.  My heart broke.  It just crumbled.  And I couldn't talk about it with very many as I have just been so closed off about our trying because I don't want more words of hurt or shame since I have 7.  I know me and I know that I couldn't take hearing that "it was for the best" "I have 7 and want more" "things happen for a reason"  I don't want to hear things like this.  I want love and when God says "no" it is the hardest thing.  Because His "no" is hard when it is something we want so desperately.

This is my cross and it is heavy.  I struggle with just letting go and accepting that God has a plan.  But at almost a year of trying it just destroys me.  It crushes me.  I went to see the NaPro doctor.  She gave me xanax which really worked when my anxiety just would get beyond me.  But I feel I may need a refill or an antidepressant.  I am not doing well mentally.

It hurt when someone close to me didn't like the words I was spewing while I was miscarrying and went on to say some words that just really tore me apart.  And made a Facebook post that I know was directed toward me but now denies it.  I can't take the lies.  I want the truth.  The truth may hurt but lies Destroy.  They rot the soul and who God wants us to be.  Just be honest.  Honesty is healing.

So I hit the shuffle button on my phone to listen to my music.  First three songs are First by Lauren Daigle, How Can It Be by Lauren Daigle, and Lord, I Need You by Matt Maher.  Very appropriate.

Because I am struggling immensely mentally with secondary infertility.  And sadly on the outside, my charts seem great.  But I know they aren't great.  I have said this since my third postpartum cycle.  Something was wrong.  And I feel I am not taken seriously.  "Oh it will happen."  Ok but how long does one have to suffer mentally through this challenge before pushing for answer?  In the rule for guidelines for infertility it is a year of trying with no success if under 35.  That is a lot of heartbreak that a woman has to endure.  I am weak.  I am destroyed.  I am confused.  I am lost.  I am depressed.  I am unhappy.  I am anxious.  I am angry.  Everything I do takes every bit of me to just keep pushing through day just to end the cycle with heartbreak as a new cycle begins.

But at year of trying I finally asked for blood work.  This cycle I go in for P+7 progesterone and estradiol draw.  Can I just say anxiety is at a high.  I don't understand.  This is just out of my control and it is hard to just hand this over when I just want a baby.  It seriously messes with me and gives me constant mental battles.  I look at my charts and say "how is this happening"  "why won't anyone just listen" "why must I keep going through this heartache".

I pray.  I find I argue with God.  I find I turn to God.  I find Mother Mary to be very comforting as she suffered immensely with her seven sorrows that pierced her mother's heart.  She is pure peace and comfort to my aching mother's heart.  She intercedes for me.  God knows not the time that we humans know.  And that is hard.  I am having trouble dying to self and living for God on this personal battle of secondary infertlity.  I am human and my desires and pains are real.

Living for God can be the best and easiest when all is going well but turing to God when the times are difficult are the times when we must really die to self to live for Him.  He loves us despite all our wrongs and is ALWAYS there.  He understands. Seek Him and we will find His love and mercy with all His graces.

Through the Sorrow

Last week is done, it is in the past.  The hurt and pain is still lingering.  Miscarrying is devastating.

It hasn't been an easy journey.  Last week I just really struggled to the point my husband was concerned and thought it best to make an appt with the NaPro dr.  I saw her that Friday.  She was wonderful.  She gave me a prescription for xanax for anxiety and to let her know that if I don't feel more like myself or just not getting better to let her know I may need an antidepressant.  She also referred me to a counselor she recommends to all her NFP couples that are struggling to conceive and/or have miscarried.  She also suggested maybe I could find a novena to pray and then also proceeded to hand me a card of her favorite saint.  She even had the card in the room with a prayer on the back.  St. Gianna pray for me.  She didn't make me feel like I am crazy but that I am going through the grieving process and this is NORMAL.   Her nurse is also wonderful.  She told me that if I needed to talk to give her a call and she will just listen.  That is what we all could learn to do more is LISTEN not speak.

With a new week and the kids after school activities and practices, it has been keeping me busy.  I have also been trying to walk every other day just to get outside and free my mind and body and soul because I could just sit inside and dwell on the why did this have to happen but God has a plan and I don't understand which I may not get to understand in this earthly life.  I have also been making homemade soap to stock my etsy shop and to get ready for a craft fair.  I forget how much I enjoy knitting and have began to work on hand puppets to take to the fair and post on my etsy page.

I am a person that enjoys music.  I have found some powerful christian music to feel my ears and to just sing along to.

All this I do to help mend the raw wound.  Do I still cry?  Yes.  Nights are my toughest.  Despite all I can and could do, I still have the fact that at the end of the day, everything is in God's hands and that what I want may not be what He wants for me.  And that is hard at night to just let that go and give my everything to Him.  I am angry and hurt but I know He loves me and always will.  He doesn't hurt me.  He only loves me.  He wants to give me all of Him.  He walks through this pain and cries through this with me.  I am His child.  I am His.  Through all of this, I must be open to receive Him even through the sorrows.  I can overcome this.  Blest be His Holy Name.

My Heart Breaks Again

A negative pregnancy test.  A bold control line, the only line line that stares back to the eyes looking and the hope and desire and want to see two lines is such a huge disappointment.  I didn't lose hope.  I kept strong and retested but didn't have the courage to look so instead put it into the box and waited for Dusty to return home from his run but by then it was beyond the time frame to read.  So I bought another dollar tree test but once again just didn't have it in me to look and  brought it to Dusty to read.  He did.  He said negative.

My heart just felt saddened.  How can this be so hard to have a baby.  It hasn't been an issue in the past.   So by Tuesday he slid the test to me on the counter and I looked.  Two lines!  He didn't tell me the truth which I was upset over.  But two lines!  I was just overcome with joy.  I have been wanting this.  I finally get that good news,  I just felt like all was right in the world for that moment.

But by Saturday something felt off and by Sunday I began to bleed and Monday it was confirmed by blood work that my HCG level was a 5 indicting my body was miscarrying.  Why!!!????

I just felt angry with God.  I wanted this so much and just like that it was taken away from me.  Nothing that is said to me helps me.  It isn't ok.  It will be ok eventually but right now every cramp I feel, every time I change my pad or feel blood pass is the raw reminder of what I wanted so bad and now it is gone just like that.

The wait to try again is hard.  The wait for fertile mucous, the wait to test to see if it happened is so much to not want to keep going through.  It is so hard living in God's time.  It is so hard to see what His bigger and better is plan for me.  I don't understand.  And I want something to understand.  I wanted this and it is gone just like that.

Living in the moment when all is raw is so hard.  I am angry with God. I don't understand.  I don't want to hurt.  I feel so alone in this human world.  I feel so unhappy and the lack of desire to keep wanting to go on.  It hurts with the constant reminder that it was all taken away from me again.  It hurts.  The pain is so real.  It breaks me.

And all I can do is ask for prayers.  I want to feel happy.  I want that joy.  But right now it is sorrow and it hurts deeply.

Should be but Not

I went on ahead and have fully weaned Theodore.  It has helped immensely since the older kids don't have school and have really enjoyed having him sleep with them.  He actually does amazing with them.  He wakes up maybe once.  He also wakes up in a good mood.  

Theodore has also taken up toilet bowl fishing and expanding his art skills to the wall, furniture, and himself.  Because coloring on paper is just so limiting to the toddler creative skills.  And why play in tub water when you have access to the toilet water all the time.  A toddlers exploration days of fun.  

We also have Arianna's surgery date officially confirmed for Friday November 20th in Boston.  

School enrollment is fast underway.  School supplies are almost done.

The only thing lacking is my happiness.  I am just unhappy.  I keep telling myself to keep busy, to craft, to get out and walk.  But the heaviness in my mood is very down and weighs heavily upon me.  Not being able to get pregnant has really taken me on a downward spiral fast.  It is emotionally draining on me when my period starts again.  I try to be positive and tell myself, "another cycle that could possibly be the one to end with a Big Fat Positive".  But this cycle that positivity just hasn't worked. Maybe it is the hormonal shift since I have weaned.  I don't know for sure.  It is also hard to hear twice now that my cycles look good.  My NFP instructor even scored my cycle and it fell within normal.  Just so hard for me to have this out of my hands.  It is also hard on me because I can't just freely open about this personal struggle because so many people would just criticize me for wanting more and proceed to tell me I am not happy for the kids I have or I wouldn't feel this way.  Or people will offer me words that right now I just don't want to hear.  I don't need advice or told what I should be doing.  Believe me my mind already tells me what I should be doing but the heaviness of my unhappiness weighs more on me then the desire or want to actually keep busy.  This cycle has been the hardest for me.

More Frustrations

Yesterday was our introductory class to the Creighton model.  It was HOT because the air conditioner was broken.  So yes a 97 some degree and the air broken was just not a great time.  To make it that much more undesirable the guy my husband sat next too smelled heavily of liquor/alcohol and kept burping.  My husband by the end was NOT thrilled or happy to say the least.

Things surfaced for both of us in such a brief moment.  I could understand my husband's unhappiness.  He worked a long day delivering the mail in the heat and then went with me to sit in a class with the air broken.  He felt that this class was the same was the Family of Americas that we had taken back in 2012.  I have had these exact feelings cross my mind multiple times.  He told me it felt like a money scam.  How many ways can we observe the cervical mucus and give it a different name.  This of course made me feel bad because this class was $33.  Then 8 followup visits are $30 each.  I am to schedule an appointment with the NaPro dr after two cycles and go from there.  All I see is this could get costly.

It just really sucks.  Yes I said it---sucks.  I don't understand.  I go from one cycle being 35 days to the next cycle being 22 days.  It is stressful on our marriage.  I either find myself crying or just not wanting to try or just wanting to give up, then to feeling angry with those who want to tell me they understand.  I am just at emotional imbalance with this process.  It isn't fun.  It is hard to keep my focus on how this will only make us a stronger couple.  How this can only draw me closer to God.  Because right now I see tears---tears of pain and hurt and sadness. I don't understand the why.  I don't understand myself with any of this.  I just know that I am not alone.  I am never alone.

GREAT things must never be rushed for God knows no time.