A negative pregnancy test. A bold control line, the only line line that stares back to the eyes looking and the hope and desire and want to see two lines is such a huge disappointment. I didn't lose hope. I kept strong and retested but didn't have the courage to look so instead put it into the box and waited for Dusty to return home from his run but by then it was beyond the time frame to read. So I bought another dollar tree test but once again just didn't have it in me to look and brought it to Dusty to read. He did. He said negative.
My heart just felt saddened. How can this be so hard to have a baby. It hasn't been an issue in the past. So by Tuesday he slid the test to me on the counter and I looked. Two lines! He didn't tell me the truth which I was upset over. But two lines! I was just overcome with joy. I have been wanting this. I finally get that good news, I just felt like all was right in the world for that moment.
But by Saturday something felt off and by Sunday I began to bleed and Monday it was confirmed by blood work that my HCG level was a 5 indicting my body was miscarrying. Why!!!????
I just felt angry with God. I wanted this so much and just like that it was taken away from me. Nothing that is said to me helps me. It isn't ok. It will be ok eventually but right now every cramp I feel, every time I change my pad or feel blood pass is the raw reminder of what I wanted so bad and now it is gone just like that.
The wait to try again is hard. The wait for fertile mucous, the wait to test to see if it happened is so much to not want to keep going through. It is so hard living in God's time. It is so hard to see what His bigger and better is plan for me. I don't understand. And I want something to understand. I wanted this and it is gone just like that.
Living in the moment when all is raw is so hard. I am angry with God. I don't understand. I don't want to hurt. I feel so alone in this human world. I feel so unhappy and the lack of desire to keep wanting to go on. It hurts with the constant reminder that it was all taken away from me again. It hurts. The pain is so real. It breaks me.
And all I can do is ask for prayers. I want to feel happy. I want that joy. But right now it is sorrow and it hurts deeply.
