Laid to Rest

On Monday 2/18/2013 my angel baby Michael Sophia was laid to rest.  It was very windy and very chilly.  It was hard to place the remains in the container along with the small knit blanket and note I wrote to my baby.  I also placed a medal of  the Guardian Angel on one side with St. Michael the Archangel on the other in the container then sprinkled fresh rose petals in the container.  Then the lid was closed.

Father began to read.  And I just began to shake and felt the tears.  But towards the end two huge gusts of wind came and I knew the Holy Spirit was present as was my angel baby that I now feel was a boy.  I couldn't help but smile as I knew.  It was powerful for me.  My angel baby knew that this was the peace I needed. 

I had written a seperate letter for family.  But waited to read it until we were indoors sitting down waiting for our lunch since it was so windy and chilly outside.   I got up and stood next to my dad as he was in the middle and I thought that then all could hear.  I knew I would cry but I really choked up and cried.  Dusty offered to read it but this is what I needed to do.  I wrote this and needed to do this to bring myself that closure and healing.

My Michael Sophia you were loved from the beginning.  From the positive pregnancy test, I had my dreams for you.  I looked to the moment to feel you move, to labor and then embrace you in my arms.  To hold you, love you, look at you, and praise God for blessing me with a tiny new soul to guide and love.

But now mommy cries.  Yes God had a plan.  And yes for a short time I did get to dream but God's plan was a bit different then mine.  I did labor.  I labored for 3.5 weeks then had to let you go. So on Tuesday 12/11/12 I let go and tried to catch you but missed so yes I reached into the toiliet to grab you and hold you.  I looked at you.  And in one second, in one breath that we take my soul was filled with everything.

But today (2/18/2013) I laid you to rest for closure to have the proper buriel you and I both know you needed for mommy to find the peace and closure.  You will always be a breathe away.  But I will never forget.  Never. 

A mother's heart loves all her blessings from God---their children, whether here on earth or in Heaven. 

I love you Michael Sophia. 



I made this sack to hold Michael Sophia







 



Everything placed in the container. 





Just a Beer

I am not a drinker.  But lately I have just been wanting a beer to just sip at. A glass of wine got me through the difficult nights while miscarrying but now I just want a cold beer.  Just one.

As much as I am ready for the closure I am also very much experiencing much emotions too.  I can hardly keep myself together.  It is just so hard waiting for Monday.  My soul grieves in sorrow and yet is finding the peace but what it does to me is cry.  Tears from the soul are so rich.  So full of rich emotion.

So yes a beer just has sounded so good.  Just one.  One to sit down with and do nothing.  Crazy I know.  Just for a moment to not think or do.  Just sit. 

Almighty Lord I shall turn to You always.  But what I ask is that when my times comes would Mary be waiting, holding my Michael Sophia and hand me my baby to hold for the first time.  This I ask of You.  To have the Blessed Motherof Christ, Queen of Heaven hand me my baby from her arms to my arms.  Her heart knows my heart as a mother. 

Buriel Date

Today my sister took me to get my eyebrows waxed.   After mine she had hers done.  I walked around the store a bit and then decided to check my phone to see if Father had emailed about having the buriel for our angel baby on Monday.  And sure enough there was an email.  And I opened it.

Monday at 11am at Resurrection Cemetery.  I just wanted to leave the store and go home and put my earphones in as I just needed to cry.  But had many other obliglations.  Right now my soul feels great sorrow but yet finding the peace it needs and it is a lot and confusing too.  I still turn to God has He knows me best.  I give Him myself so that I can do His Will and trust in Him. 

It isn't always easy.  And then added to the day was three conferences with three of the kids' teachers. 
One was at two and then I rushed home to rush her to her birthday party and then rushed home to pick up the other two to rush to meet with their teachers.  Just a very busy day. 

I also went to Stations and stayed for mass following then went to the adoration chapel to pray.  As I felt I need God's guidance.  Losing my angel baby has just been very hard on me. 

It has been so much and I need to embrace it with my whole heart and soul.  And if it becomes heavy burden to let the Good Lord know just that I feel heavy burdened and He will help.  I really know He is getting me through the moments of every day. 

So Monday will be here and I don't know.  I just don't know.  Losing my angel baby was hard and finding this peace is hard too but yet will get easier.  Jesus I trust in You.

My soul cries tears.  My Lord knows and He is there with me, never forsaking me.  He gives His Great Love to me.  And this I can only praise and thank Him.  My tears are His tears.  My tears are Mary's tears.  Tears from the soul.  

Finding Closure

Today I met with our pastor Fr. Daryl about finding the closure I am searching for.  I wanted to at first bury my angel baby Michael Sophia in our garden or plant an apple tree, Dusty wasn't too fond of the tree.  But I just wanted something.  I want closure not to forget but closure to feel at peace.  And I just didn't know how to get that. 

So I contacted our parish priest and just emailed to tell him my story.  I just needed someone to listen to my story.  To my hurt and pain and yes to some joy but just how my heart was hurting.  He responded and told me he was sorry and his blessing were with me and I could set up a time to meet to talk if I needed too. 

So once again I emailed him back to set up a time.  I explained how I needed closure but wasn't sure how to get that.  My angel baby is in the freezer and it is so hard to open the freezer and not to just want to hold my baby.  It is hard too because I have been told multiple times that a blighted ovum is the best way to miscarry.  Really the best way. When is there ever a best to lose something that we love so deeply no matter the circumstance.  Do I say to someone who lost a loved one---it was there time it was good or they died in their sleep that is the best way to die.  NO!  I offer my sympathy as the pain of losing something that you love is no longer here.  And it hurts no matter what.  Then I know that in the medical field and to some that it may just be a blob of tissue as it doesn't look like a baby to the human eye.  But to me it is my baby.  I just know as the mother in me always knows her baby. 

At first I thought I didn't have a birth story or get to hold my baby but I did just not the way I expected.  God's way was a bit different then my own.  But I don't blame Him I turn to Him.  It just hurts when I was at the Y the other day walking on the treadmill and they talk about the Pope and then jump to something about a late term abortion.  Just really fueled me up about losing my baby and here someone doesn't want theirs and kills their baby.  Just really sent my emotions on high and sent me really walking on the treadmill. 

But after the meeting with Father I was told I can have a proper buriel for my angel baby Michael Sophia.  The cemetery has a section meant just for this and provide the box free of charge and all things will be carried out for the buriel of my baby.  Oh how my soul cries tears of sorrow and yes joy too.  I am sorrowed from the loss but joyous that I am going to have a proper buriel for my baby.  My baby I only had for such a very short time and yet  I loved so much.  It just hurts and yet will bring me the closure and peace I seek. 

I just now need to find the rosary bracelet that I am looking for.  It will be my keepsake to look at and know that my angel baby is looking down and always with me just a breath away.  And in time I will hold in my arms as a mother holds her infant.  But for now I must care for the tiny souls God has already blessed me with to guide and instruct so that one day I pray that I have with the help of God taught them well.

With God all things are possible.  And never cease to pray for God listens and fills our souls with His Great Almight Love.  

Asking God

What I can only imagine my angel baby Michael Sophia is doing...praying in the arms of God. 

Asking God




I asked God to take away my habit.
God said, No.
It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.
...
I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
God said, No.
His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary

I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, No.
Patience is a byproduct of tribulations;
it isn't granted, it is learned.

I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, No.
I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, No.
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares
and brings you closer to me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said, No.
You must grow on your own! ,
but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life.
God said, No.
I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.

I ask God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.
God said...Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.



Author unknown to me

www.worksbyfaith.org

Ruffled Scarves Galore and More

I love to keep my hands busy with crafts.  And lately it has been to make these beautiful ruffled scarves.  They are just so pretty when made up.  When I buy it and it is all twisted up in the ball all I see is the colors but when it is all made up I really see just how pretty the colors lay and twist around and around.  Kinda fascinating to watch it come together. 

I also have been working on fingerless gloves for all ages.  I am trying out a new pattern right now and ordered another one to try.  I really liked the basic one but I just wanted a bit of a better fit around the palm/fingers.  So I am experimenting with these.  But they too are really fun as the all the yarn that is available to pick from just lets my imagination run free.  The endless possibilities of combinations.  Awww just so much fun.

I am also trying to find a really cute boy knit pattern to make but really haven't been as successful.  I have the yarn but still in search for that right pattern.  When I find it I will know.  It will be an ah-ha moment this is it.  But until then I can make a set of fingerless gloves to match up with this hat I am still looking for.  Girls are easier to create but I must make for boys too.

But my biggest project is to work on remembering my angel baby. I finally have started to think it out.  I really just let my heart guide me on this one.  If it feels right then that is what I am going to do.  It isn't to please any one but myself.  It is to help bring me peace and comfort.  This is something that I am still struggling with is finding that closure.  With prayer, God has guided me in the direction I believe is going to help bring that closure I need.  And I don't mean closure as in to forget but to find that deeper peace of healing.  I have been wanting to make a rosary bracelet in the colors of brown, green and pearl to wear as a memory of my angel baby that I never met.  It is just something that I feel would be healing to me too.  To look down at that beautiful bracelet with the cruxifix and Mary medal would just remind that I have an angel always looking and down on me, bringing my prayers to the Almighty or comforting me in my times of sorrow or rejoicing in my joyous times.  But whatever the circumstance I would have piece to wear as this to was my child I had only for such a short while and never met.  But I am struggling trying to find someone who would make a rosary bracelet. 

With all this crafting I have opened an etsy shop.  You can google dotsnstripesbykatie and it will pop up and just click on the link which should direct you right to my shop.  Or go to etsy and search dotsnstripesbykatie. 

Through my tears my soul sheds, I know that I am never alone.  God is ALWAYS there.  His graces and mercies fill my soul with all that I will ever need.  But I will never cease to pray.

Walk to Jog Combo

Two days ago I tried to use my workout video but my lovely and dear child of a two year old had stuck a gift card in the system so even though my video went in, it didn't play.  It did remove and so I placed it back in but it still didn't play and I didn't have as much success with the return.  I thought maybe Edgar had jammed the playstation full of CDs again but decided it best to leave it for Dusty to fix.  I did get upset over this as I really just wanted to exhaust some anxiety and not take a pill.  And I had no idea how Dusty had fixed this situation before so I just left it and with the extra built up anxiety pulled down the double bob stroller and decided a walk would work great.  But I wasn't just walking from one end of the street to the other like I usually would.  But instead I was going to walk around the entire block using the the new sidewalks that were just put in. 

Paylynn was really excited for this walk and Edgar was just as thrilled.  But little did any of us know that the walk would turn into a walk jog combination.  Oh my goodness I just got this sudden urge to take off with a slow jog.  I have never been able to run or jog my entire life.  I thought I could before my hips were fixed but really it was just a shuffle of a funny sort of fast walk.  I felt the anxiety melt away and my whole being rejoicing in just what has really been given to me.  I was just so greatful but was working up a workout so I couldn't rejoice in tears just at the moment in breaths of deep fresh air as it was a new kind of workout for me.  It was just so amazing. And yes I was praising God the whole time!  He is my All and Everything!

But when I got home I did facebook my overjoyous excitement in what I have never been able to do in my life.  It was wonderful to experience and not feel pain.  My hips didn't even give out.  They didn't hurt for once.  I have been able to walk on the treadmill at the Y and keep going back.  I don't have this plan that is brought down by debilitating pain of when will my hips not hurt or not give out.  I can actually stick to something that makes me feel good.  It is just such an awe of an experience.

Yes I did cry later that afternoon because it was beautiful to experience.  My surgeon, Dr. Millis, is such a great man who has used his gift that God gave him to heal someone like me.  He takes the time to really understand the patient and make them feel like a person not just another patient and move on to the next. He called my mother from his private cell phone to let her know that her daughter's surgery had went well.  God is in him.  If I could have, I would have been on a flight to Boston to give Dr. Millis the biggest hug with my eyes filled with such tears of joy.  Joy that I just can't express enough.  I really needed this.  The journey wasn't easy and the recovery was challenging with expected and unexpected events.  Yes I questioned and began to have such great doubt in God but suddenly I had to work at what I was losing with God.  And I never want to go down that path again. 

Yes God has a plan for me and I will always place my trust in Him.  As He knows me better then myself.  Sometimes I may not understand His plan but I am learning to place my full trust in Him.  

There has been great sorrow along this path He has planned for me and with the great sorrow there has been such great joy.  He fills me with His great mercies, love, compassion, sorrows, and joys.  He is my Everything.  Without Him I am nothing.  I am here to do His Holy Will.

My God and My All.  I trust in You.  And love You.