A Mother for Eternity

October is awareness of pregnancy and infant loss.

It is hard to let go and say I trust you God.

I have not felt that closure or peace from our recent miscarriage on 8/23/15.  Everyday is a struggle to push myself to get through.  I am currently taking an antidepressant and anti anxiety.  I don't feel like me.  I hardly get through each day.  But as I don't want to be reliant on medications, I am also seeking counseling.

This week I was counseled twice.  The first was by our new pastor.  That was Tuesday evening.  And let me just say I was nervous.  I didn't know what to expect.  I emailed him letting him know how I was feeling that I was angry with God.  That I hurt and struggled with how can this be and why me.  Yes I was honest.  And after pushing the send I thought "did I just really email a priest telling him I am angry with God?!"  I didn't receive an immediate response so I kind of thought and hoped maybe it didn't actually go through.  But it did and he wanted to schedule a meeting.  So Tuesday evening it was.

The best decision I could've ever done.  He gave me spiritual and real life guidance.  I left with bible verses that he went over with me told me it was ok to feel this way.  That right now I am ok.  This is my garden of Gethsemane, this was my suffering, this was my blood and it was ok and it is real.  He gave me these three bible verses:
LAM 3:28-33
JER 31: 15-17
EPH 4:26

He told me that the peace will come. The Holy Spirit will bring that peace.  There is hope but only God knows when that is and that is hard and that is ok.  He said I am a mother of 9 and always will be.  Though I may have only had the two for a very short time, I will still be their mother for all eternity.

Yes I left feeling with hope.  I knew I would still have the hurt and I will have to face that fear of the future but I had hope that in that moment Everything really will be ok.  I will get through this.

Then on Wednesday I also saw a counselor.  She also was amazing.  She really listened.  She also reinforced that it is ok to feel this way.  That God has given this to us to feel.  That through our suffering we can draw closer to Him.  And that is ok.

The Lord, my God, I trust in thee.  As I give myself to You, I am scared but I know You will carry me through this and that alone is enough for me.  I may fall down and cry but You will still remain by my side and wait, never giving up.  

Our Little Saints in Heaven

Michael Sophia 12/11/12

Madison Philomena 8/23/15