The Battle of Self

I had my P+7 draw on Monday and then I had my followup with the doctor Tuesday.

My progesterone level was 20 which was good for where I was in my cycle.  But she did say that she would supplement during pregnancy for the first trimester.  My estradiol was 124.5 also within the 7-700 range of being normal.  

It was only a day wait to get answers  but what God says is "no".  He says "no" to having answers.  He really wants me to let go and die to self so that I can put my full trust in Him.  

I want to understand.  I want answers.  I feel like a child being told "no".  I don't like it.  I am searching for anything to just grasp onto.  But the thing is I do have everything.  So why can't I just accept that?  Because I want something or think I do.  I have that fear of just letting go and saying "Jesus,I trust in You," when I am walking down this path of uncertainty and confusion of what is before me.  

There is that lingering fear that I want to hold on to.  But I must die to that fear and really let go.  I am not alone.  He wants to take me by the hand and guide me through this difficult road of uncertainty and show me something greater.  And as I try to hold on to what I know, the harder it becomes.  This is how the devil twists something so simple and complicates our life.  

The beauty of sorrow and pain is that we can share in the passion Jesus had for us when he died on the cross. The hope was His Resurrection. There will ALWAYS be hope that will end the pain that sorrow brings.  I don't face this struggle alone.  But I must die to self to find that hope.  

Spending time in His presence as the world is silenced for that moment and let Him surround me as I just let go of what I want to understand and know.  

The challenge is the want and will to die to self.  This is much easier to be said then to live and actually do.  It is even more complicated when that one want and desire is holding us back from receiving Our Lord to the fullest and living for Him.  But when we do let go, the beauty of life will shine through us and His greatness can work through us for the world around us to see.  And the devil knows this and makes every attempt to hold us back and keep hold of that selfish I.