Infertility

This month is coming to a close.

It has been such a rollercoaster for me personally.  As my yearly female check approached, I was apprehensive about bringing up the possibility of infertility.  Ok, wait what infertility?!?!  How could I want more kids.  Isn't seven enough?!  Am I out of my mind?!  Yes why I felt the apprehension and stress and anger about my upcoming appointment as to whether I should even bother.  I mean the thought of "what if he laughs or just tells me to give it time or there is nothing we can do.  And that I am just a whack-o who has enough kids already."

Now I had talked a little bit with a friend about how I just wasn't getting pregnant and on paper my cycles look amazing so why wasn't it happening?  She suggested seeing a NaPro dr but I decided to wait and just see what my OBGYN dr would say.  I just thought maybe since I haven't dealt with this he may be more apt to give me advice and being able to look at my history.  But like I said I felt stupid with my charts that look textbook.  As I know I am not textbook though.

So I brought it up.  His nurse told me that I just need to relax and it will happen not to worry everything looked good.  Ugh I know that.  Dr did mention fertility clinic and how I may be the very disliked by the women who go there and can't even have one and I have 7.  He mentioned medicine that can jumpstart the brain into trying to make the ovaries ovulate. He said to just keep having sex for now since it hasn't been a complete year.  I am on my 8th cycle so far.

This is hard on me.  I don't like being asked if I am pregnant if I say I am tired.  I don't like to be questioned for the decisions I make.  And I don't like any of this.  I just don't.  It is hard on me.  It is hard to hear "all in God's time."  Or how NFP is also about being open to God's plan whether it ends in a pregnancy or not.  This is all hard to hear when I feel so raw on the inside.  So who do I take this anger and frustration and hurt on...my husband and God.  Yes it has been a challenge every cycle.  Yes I have sat and argued with God about how unfair he is being.  And then I think that I am being mean and selfish.

Yes I am ready for this month to come to an end and put it all behind me.  I don't want to be told anything.  I want someone to come sit with me and cry or laugh.  That is all.  I don't need guidance.  I don't want guidance right now.  I just need support.  I need encouragement that everything I try to do is good.  Because I feel like such a failure.

A Penciled in Date

We have a penciled in date for Arianna's right hip surgery!

Yes this date may have the possibility of change but we can work with that.  It is just good to have something to plan.  We have already let the school know the plans.  And it will get her through the bands marching season.

As of now that date is November 20th a Friday which also means a preop that Thursday November 19th.  So fly out Wednesday the 18th.

This date will only have her missing a few days and then the following week school is out for the entire week for inservice and Thanksgiving.

We also enrolled Edgar for preschool!  As of now they have him in the morning class with same teacher Paylynn had.  School starts at 815 for him.  So if it all works out then I can drop off my SFA kids, head over to BC and drop off Arianna, and head back toward home to drop Edgar off by 8-805.  We are also planning on him riding the bus home.

So for four days out of the week it will just be Theodore and myself, that is for about 3.5 hours anyways.  I am sure that time will fly but hey my hope is that I can focus on the house and projects that are on this "I will get to some day" list---lol.

This is good news!  Good news that is much appreciated.

Sometimes in life's struggles, that little bit of sunshine that shines through that heavy cloud is enough to keep us going and pushing through the struggles.