Infertility

This month is coming to a close.

It has been such a rollercoaster for me personally.  As my yearly female check approached, I was apprehensive about bringing up the possibility of infertility.  Ok, wait what infertility?!?!  How could I want more kids.  Isn't seven enough?!  Am I out of my mind?!  Yes why I felt the apprehension and stress and anger about my upcoming appointment as to whether I should even bother.  I mean the thought of "what if he laughs or just tells me to give it time or there is nothing we can do.  And that I am just a whack-o who has enough kids already."

Now I had talked a little bit with a friend about how I just wasn't getting pregnant and on paper my cycles look amazing so why wasn't it happening?  She suggested seeing a NaPro dr but I decided to wait and just see what my OBGYN dr would say.  I just thought maybe since I haven't dealt with this he may be more apt to give me advice and being able to look at my history.  But like I said I felt stupid with my charts that look textbook.  As I know I am not textbook though.

So I brought it up.  His nurse told me that I just need to relax and it will happen not to worry everything looked good.  Ugh I know that.  Dr did mention fertility clinic and how I may be the very disliked by the women who go there and can't even have one and I have 7.  He mentioned medicine that can jumpstart the brain into trying to make the ovaries ovulate. He said to just keep having sex for now since it hasn't been a complete year.  I am on my 8th cycle so far.

This is hard on me.  I don't like being asked if I am pregnant if I say I am tired.  I don't like to be questioned for the decisions I make.  And I don't like any of this.  I just don't.  It is hard on me.  It is hard to hear "all in God's time."  Or how NFP is also about being open to God's plan whether it ends in a pregnancy or not.  This is all hard to hear when I feel so raw on the inside.  So who do I take this anger and frustration and hurt on...my husband and God.  Yes it has been a challenge every cycle.  Yes I have sat and argued with God about how unfair he is being.  And then I think that I am being mean and selfish.

Yes I am ready for this month to come to an end and put it all behind me.  I don't want to be told anything.  I want someone to come sit with me and cry or laugh.  That is all.  I don't need guidance.  I don't want guidance right now.  I just need support.  I need encouragement that everything I try to do is good.  Because I feel like such a failure.