A week earlier I found out well actually my husband read the test and I didn't find out until a couple days later but we were EXPECTING! That was some pretty damn good news. I even had the morning sickness heading my way. I was ready for this. It has been nothing but heartbreak after heartbreak. And being told to just relax, I get pregnant easily, or my charts look good. That is not encouraging to my ears when every cycle was a negative. But not this cycle. It finally happened!
But 8/23 Heaven received a little Saint. My heart broke. It just crumbled. And I couldn't talk about it with very many as I have just been so closed off about our trying because I don't want more words of hurt or shame since I have 7. I know me and I know that I couldn't take hearing that "it was for the best" "I have 7 and want more" "things happen for a reason" I don't want to hear things like this. I want love and when God says "no" it is the hardest thing. Because His "no" is hard when it is something we want so desperately.
This is my cross and it is heavy. I struggle with just letting go and accepting that God has a plan. But at almost a year of trying it just destroys me. It crushes me. I went to see the NaPro doctor. She gave me xanax which really worked when my anxiety just would get beyond me. But I feel I may need a refill or an antidepressant. I am not doing well mentally.
It hurt when someone close to me didn't like the words I was spewing while I was miscarrying and went on to say some words that just really tore me apart. And made a Facebook post that I know was directed toward me but now denies it. I can't take the lies. I want the truth. The truth may hurt but lies Destroy. They rot the soul and who God wants us to be. Just be honest. Honesty is healing.
So I hit the shuffle button on my phone to listen to my music. First three songs are First by Lauren Daigle, How Can It Be by Lauren Daigle, and Lord, I Need You by Matt Maher. Very appropriate.
Because I am struggling immensely mentally with secondary infertility. And sadly on the outside, my charts seem great. But I know they aren't great. I have said this since my third postpartum cycle. Something was wrong. And I feel I am not taken seriously. "Oh it will happen." Ok but how long does one have to suffer mentally through this challenge before pushing for answer? In the rule for guidelines for infertility it is a year of trying with no success if under 35. That is a lot of heartbreak that a woman has to endure. I am weak. I am destroyed. I am confused. I am lost. I am depressed. I am unhappy. I am anxious. I am angry. Everything I do takes every bit of me to just keep pushing through day just to end the cycle with heartbreak as a new cycle begins.
But at year of trying I finally asked for blood work. This cycle I go in for P+7 progesterone and estradiol draw. Can I just say anxiety is at a high. I don't understand. This is just out of my control and it is hard to just hand this over when I just want a baby. It seriously messes with me and gives me constant mental battles. I look at my charts and say "how is this happening" "why won't anyone just listen" "why must I keep going through this heartache".
I pray. I find I argue with God. I find I turn to God. I find Mother Mary to be very comforting as she suffered immensely with her seven sorrows that pierced her mother's heart. She is pure peace and comfort to my aching mother's heart. She intercedes for me. God knows not the time that we humans know. And that is hard. I am having trouble dying to self and living for God on this personal battle of secondary infertlity. I am human and my desires and pains are real.
Living for God can be the best and easiest when all is going well but turing to God when the times are difficult are the times when we must really die to self to live for Him. He loves us despite all our wrongs and is ALWAYS there. He understands. Seek Him and we will find His love and mercy with all His graces.
