The Battle of Self

I had my P+7 draw on Monday and then I had my followup with the doctor Tuesday.

My progesterone level was 20 which was good for where I was in my cycle.  But she did say that she would supplement during pregnancy for the first trimester.  My estradiol was 124.5 also within the 7-700 range of being normal.  

It was only a day wait to get answers  but what God says is "no".  He says "no" to having answers.  He really wants me to let go and die to self so that I can put my full trust in Him.  

I want to understand.  I want answers.  I feel like a child being told "no".  I don't like it.  I am searching for anything to just grasp onto.  But the thing is I do have everything.  So why can't I just accept that?  Because I want something or think I do.  I have that fear of just letting go and saying "Jesus,I trust in You," when I am walking down this path of uncertainty and confusion of what is before me.  

There is that lingering fear that I want to hold on to.  But I must die to that fear and really let go.  I am not alone.  He wants to take me by the hand and guide me through this difficult road of uncertainty and show me something greater.  And as I try to hold on to what I know, the harder it becomes.  This is how the devil twists something so simple and complicates our life.  

The beauty of sorrow and pain is that we can share in the passion Jesus had for us when he died on the cross. The hope was His Resurrection. There will ALWAYS be hope that will end the pain that sorrow brings.  I don't face this struggle alone.  But I must die to self to find that hope.  

Spending time in His presence as the world is silenced for that moment and let Him surround me as I just let go of what I want to understand and know.  

The challenge is the want and will to die to self.  This is much easier to be said then to live and actually do.  It is even more complicated when that one want and desire is holding us back from receiving Our Lord to the fullest and living for Him.  But when we do let go, the beauty of life will shine through us and His greatness can work through us for the world around us to see.  And the devil knows this and makes every attempt to hold us back and keep hold of that selfish I.

A Mother for Eternity

October is awareness of pregnancy and infant loss.

It is hard to let go and say I trust you God.

I have not felt that closure or peace from our recent miscarriage on 8/23/15.  Everyday is a struggle to push myself to get through.  I am currently taking an antidepressant and anti anxiety.  I don't feel like me.  I hardly get through each day.  But as I don't want to be reliant on medications, I am also seeking counseling.

This week I was counseled twice.  The first was by our new pastor.  That was Tuesday evening.  And let me just say I was nervous.  I didn't know what to expect.  I emailed him letting him know how I was feeling that I was angry with God.  That I hurt and struggled with how can this be and why me.  Yes I was honest.  And after pushing the send I thought "did I just really email a priest telling him I am angry with God?!"  I didn't receive an immediate response so I kind of thought and hoped maybe it didn't actually go through.  But it did and he wanted to schedule a meeting.  So Tuesday evening it was.

The best decision I could've ever done.  He gave me spiritual and real life guidance.  I left with bible verses that he went over with me told me it was ok to feel this way.  That right now I am ok.  This is my garden of Gethsemane, this was my suffering, this was my blood and it was ok and it is real.  He gave me these three bible verses:
LAM 3:28-33
JER 31: 15-17
EPH 4:26

He told me that the peace will come. The Holy Spirit will bring that peace.  There is hope but only God knows when that is and that is hard and that is ok.  He said I am a mother of 9 and always will be.  Though I may have only had the two for a very short time, I will still be their mother for all eternity.

Yes I left feeling with hope.  I knew I would still have the hurt and I will have to face that fear of the future but I had hope that in that moment Everything really will be ok.  I will get through this.

Then on Wednesday I also saw a counselor.  She also was amazing.  She really listened.  She also reinforced that it is ok to feel this way.  That God has given this to us to feel.  That through our suffering we can draw closer to Him.  And that is ok.

The Lord, my God, I trust in thee.  As I give myself to You, I am scared but I know You will carry me through this and that alone is enough for me.  I may fall down and cry but You will still remain by my side and wait, never giving up.  

Our Little Saints in Heaven

Michael Sophia 12/11/12

Madison Philomena 8/23/15