Some days are much easier then others.
Christmas holiday cheer was sadly not at the top of my list this year. I found that being around others just really increased my anxiety so it was much easier to just stay hidden indoors in the comfort of my own home. It just brought on the anger greatly which is caused by the great hurt I feel.
For me it is much more then losing our angel baby. It goes back to last year when my heart was shattered. I wasn't even sure my marriage was going to last at one point. It is a devastating effect when we lose sight of God. We push Him to the back burner in our life. We begin to question and have great doubt that we don't know where we are at or what we need when it is quite simple It is God who we seek. He is the one who brought me comfort when I realized this. It wasn't any easy journey this year. But when I found out we were expecting it was just the ending what I thought I needed but as God saw it wasn't quite the plan I had. His plan was a bit different.
It hurts me deeply as I think back on this past year of 2012 and all I have been through to get to where I am right now. I began to really want to try for another baby but Dusty wasn't ready as he was worried about finances and my counselor told me that conceiving a baby should be wanted by both. So I signed us up for NFP. As much as I enjoyed the classes, I just had this greater yearning for another baby. Not to replace our youngest but to listen to what God wants of me. It isn't easy being a mother or living on a budget but it sure can humble the heart and the simplicity it brings is what brings me peace.
We can want and desire our ways but the greater happiness we seek can only come from God. It isn't always easy to understand how something is going to turn out but to have the faith that God will take care of us is huge. As this sometimes means we give up our comforts of what we want only to have a much greater ending of peacefulness. I never again want to find myself in that darkness that I was last year. Yes some say it was because I underwent too much with giving birth and then having two surgeries. But I know that sometimes we must fall hard and to ask for help getting back up. For me it was asking the good Lord above for His forgiveness and help as I was the lost sheep who wasn't sure what He wanted from me.
My hurt is real. I don't need to be compared to what someone else has been through. I need that hug instead. I need that word of caring sympathy. I need that hand that reaches out to comfort me. I need that extra prayer. I need to be held. Something that my mother in law has done greatly for me. She was there when I passed the baby. She held my hand. She was the one to comfort me as I felt so scared.
Yes on Tuesday December 11, 2012 I awoke with an usual headache. It started from neck and pulsated up to my left eye. Just an odd but powerful headache. I was cramping but not as bad as I had been. I just felt at my worst. My mother in law came over to take the older 4 to school. As she was only 3 weeks out from surgery herself she still came to help me. My headache caused me to get sick three times that morning. I finally gave in and took an over the counter migraine pill. It worked for about an hour. But that hour was much appreciated. My mom was still staying with us and she got up to hold Paylynn as she was running a fever but I couldn't be the mother to her as I could barely focus on getting off the couch. But suddenly around noon, as I was talking with my mother in law about getting Dusty's FMLA papers together, I felt I had to poop. So I excused myself to the bathroom but I didn't have to instead it was the urge to push and at that point I knew and tried to catch what I knew was my baby. Even though it didn't look like a baby, the deeper part of me knew. I had finally let go. And it scared me. I called for my mom but my mother in law came to me. And there I was on the toilet holding the dense tissue. I began bleeding very heavily and that scared me as it kept coming out but it was holding the tissue in my blood covered hand that made me face something greater. I knew it was my baby. Beyond the fear I was experiencing I felt something much deeper---that I was finally able to let go. My mother in law called my doctor office and I called Dusty. He came home but by that time his mother had settled me down and we just waited for the return call of the nurse. Once the nurse called me back, she reassured me the bleeding was normal and I could bring the tissue I passed into the office where they could run a diagnostic test. But I couldn't let go. I wanted to bury my baby. I wanted to name my baby. Later that night the kids came up with the name Michael Sophia Saville. Our angel baby has a name. I felt relieved as I knew I had let go. I felt a greater feeling of knowing that my angel baby was in a much greater place. I knew I had let go. My hcg level went from 8900 to 96 in 10 days time. That was a huge drop. I still need to go in for another blood draw as my levels need to be less than 5.
As to the plan God has for me, I may never the reason for this loss. Maybe it is to have Dusty and I connect on a deeper and greater meaning of our marriage with each other and with God. Maybe it is for Dusty to know that with all things, God gives and takes, and He provides with all we will ever need. Whatever the reason it isn't easy and that is ok, I won't lose my faith. I won't blame God. I trust Him as His plan is far much better then the I one decide for myself.
Yes I still have my days of anger, hurt, pain, and sadness. And that is ok as I turn to God for comfort. As I stayed in my home this holiday season, I also felt great comfort. It was so nice to spend Christmas with my kids. I fixed them hot chocolate with whipped topping and a dash of cinnamon and a peppermint candy cane to stir up all that yumminess. This was the one and only request of my oldest son, Brady. It was nice to drive around and look at Christmas lights. As I chose to stay in my home, it was what I needed. It was a wonderful Christmas, singing Happy Birthday to Jesus and enjoying the simple celebration with hot chocolate and lights.
