The deep sorrow I feel is usually too much for me to bear right now. At the mass the words spoken were words to comfort me. To lose a baby you will never know but yet knows everything about you is hard for me as a mother. I know my baby was held in the arms of God as He welcomed our baby back to Him. But one day Dusty and I will hold our baby too.
It isn't easy. This just really breaks my heart. I was given a white rose yesterday to have for my baby. As I don't have anything but the hurt and pain I feel as my sorrows are just so great. So the white rose will be with us as a reminder of the baby we mourn and yet love so much even though we never met.
Being a mother to the children God has given to us already is very difficult. That is why we are family. We are there to comfort and care for one another especially in times when one is hurt. My Edgar will sit with me to just want a cuddle or Paylynn will just want to cuddle along with us and give me kisses. Emma shares her big warm heart. Some days when the hurt is so great and all I can do is cry, it is hard to accept their love for me. My kids do what they can to help their mommy feel better. I take my anger, from the hurt and pain, out on Dusty. I know he suffers as he watches me in my deep sorrows and mourns the loss of the child he never met. He has been ever so great to me. I am deeply troubled and to express my hurt in the way of hurtful words towards Dusty just isn't right. My older kids have helped with the house and not fight as they know better as I hurt greatly. Yes I do have to ask for the help from them but that is ok. A family is a bond God has created for us to grow in deep love in all our needs of joy and sadness.
A mother's heart is full of such great love and through the sorrows we experience that love is what will carry us through the challenges that lie ahead.
I imagine, as Mary watched her only Son die for us, her pain was real and ever so great. Her love is ever so gentle and consoling to me as I work through the pain of losing the baby we will never know during this lifetime here on earth. We love you Michael Sophia.
Then He took the children
in His arms, placed His
hands on each of them,
and blessed them.
Mk 10:16
Thanks for sharing this heartfelt post. I often think, too, of the pain Mary must have felt. Praying for comfort for you all as your angel waits in Heaven. Many blessings in the new year and beyond!
ReplyDeleteDenise @ Learning 2 Walk Again
Thank Denise. I have been struggling through this. It isn't easy. And your prayers are greatly welcomed. I pray that my hcg levels will be at zero as this too will help not having to go in the doctor to have weekly blood draws. It is just hard to focus or move forward when I wait for my levels to drop.
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