Tears and Anger

Yesterday I went for what I prayed to be my last blood draw.  If it wasn't I wasn't sure what I was going to do.  It  just really angers me.  Actually everything seems to anger me.  I have a great feeling this is what postpartum depression is.  I cry and am angry most of the time.  Sometimes I have really good moments but then all of a sudden I am angry and crying.  So yes I prayed that this was my last draw.

But being that I went in around 11 am I knew I wouldn't hear anything until today.  So when the nurse called she said my levels were at 7, I felt a disappointment even though she said I didn't need to go back for any more blood draws.  She explained that I could expect my period in 3-4 weeks and that it could be heavier with more cramping then normal and last longer.  Not very excited for this.  Yes I know that it will be a good thing but right now I don't see that.  Looking back I will just not right now.

Even though I don't have to go back in and was ok with that, I still must have been building the anger because when I sat down to eat my lunch, the anger and tears just hit and went off and exploded.  I just felt so angry. 

I am angry my counselor for telling me that it is best to wait to try so both of us are ready because otherwise the child be looked upon as burden.  I took NFP classes because Dusty wasn't ready and I felt that this would help us.  Yes the class was great but I just really was ready for another baby.  But when I went in for a followup meeting and told the teacher we had tried, she was shocked and stated to me the reason we had wanted to take the class.  I felt hurt and that maybe it was a wrong decision.  Even though the congrats finally came it just stung.  I know why we took the class originally but I know to that we can change our minds.  I mean I was ready to try back early of last year and really ready in July.  So yes when I began to bleed that Sunday November 25th, I knew what I had so long desired was taken from me.  Not to hurt me.  Not to punish me.   But as a human that is what I feel is deep anguish, hurt, and pain from this all.  And as a human I can't help but feel angry towards those that guided me to wait.  I know they meant no harm or wrong but it is just what I feel right now.  I wanted so bad for my levels to be at zero.  I can't move forward until they are zero.  I can't plan what my next step will be.  I just feel so stuck and lost in my anger and tears. 

I know that the anger and tears come from the hurt.  I know that I will move on.  I know that my levels will be zero.  I know I will get through this.  But right now this is what I feel.