Why?!?!

Thursday night I spent arguing with Dusty.  He told me I need to go back to counseling.  He told me I need to go to the Y to burn off my excess anxiety I have from this whole miscarriage and the emotions that I have. 

It makes sense.  Why don't I then pick myself up to go walk or workout?  Why don't I just pick up the phone?  It is easy to do right?  For me it is hard to find that in me right now.  I bled for 4.5 weeks.  The first 3.5 weeks were intense cramping and heavy bleeding until I passed the sac/tissue.  Then the bleeding tapered off as did the cramps. After that I had two days before I fell sick with a UTI on Christmas Eve.  I battled this for the week on antibiotics.  My body just seemed to fight getting better but after a week and a little cranberry juice after I finished the antibiotic, I felt better.  I had a few days of feeling better but then I began cramping and on and off spotting to on and off light bleeding to now full blown heavy bleeding to vicious cramping that makes me question WHY?!?!  When I call my doctor to get answers all I am ever directed to is the 24 hour nurse hotline.  Seriously nurses are great! I have my degree in nursing but nurses can't write I script only offer advice.  I take the 800 mg ibuprofen and pamprin and use a heating pad.  And all I am told is that this shouldn't be my period and they don't know and to go to the ER.  I don't want an ER bill to tell me this is my period and to take 800 mg iboprofen and tylenol and use heat.  I am doing that.  Just a circle of madness to me. 

I wish that I could just snap my fingers and poof it all be gone.  I did call to see my counselor again.  I don't want to hear that I should wait to let my body heal.  I don't want to be told how I should feel.  I don't want to be told how someone has is it worse.  I don't want to hear any of this.  I don't want to hear anything.  I don't want to be going through any of this. I want to be annoucing we are expecting.  I want that happiness.  I want to not cry or be angry because I am leaving 6  minutes later then I wanted too.  I don't want to hurt any more.  I don't want any more of this.