Such a Battle

I finally made an appt to meet with my GP.  I have had so much anxiety.  Xanax doesn't work for me as it makes me angry.  I don't need anger.  I need to be calmed down.

I did have some valium left over from hip surgeries and took one as I tolerate that ok.  And yes it did help to bring my anxiety down.

I know to most people a big family is questionable.  But for me this is my life.  This is what keeps me going.  Not planning when to add or not to add another life.  I trust God in His plan.  And when I don't, I have let doubt set in me.  I know there will be times of struggle and times of joy.  But I struggle right now. 

I was given a different drug to try for my anxiety.  But I was advised that a baby isn't the answer.  I need to look at the bigger picture.  I need to consider regulating my periods, I need to think about antidepressants to help cope with the grief of the miscarriage, and I need to think about trying to sleep.  But for this month he just gave me something for anxiety and let me think about what he thought was best.  He said I have 6 kids and that is a lot and to add another child is going to add further stress.  Is it me then that has the problem?  Is it me that is the outcast on this?

I just don't understand how what seems so simple to me is then turned into something so complicated to think about.  I don't get it one bit.  I just find myself exhausted from the thoughts and battles that occur in my head as I try to do God's will.  His will is much different then what the world has to offer.  And yes even family have told me that 6 is plenty.  That don't I know how expensive kids are.  Yes I do.  But I place my trust and faith in the Good Lord that He will never leave my side.  Yes there will be times of struggle and times of great joy.  But didn't His Son face struggles and joys Himself?  He died for us.  He turned to His Father in His great agony in the garden.  And yes I to turn to the Him in my struggles. 

I am your lowly servant and here to serve You my Lord and my God.