Postpartum

After giving birth, I was so tired and exhausted.  I did get to do skin to skin but I was just so tired.  The labor and delivery was hard on me and I just didn't feel that bond.  I did breastfeed him but he kept biting.  I also was very numb from the epidural. But I felt room to breath!  And no more right side pain.

But I just felt unhappy.  Not with the baby.  Maybe more disappointed.  I don't know.  I haven't ever felt this way after any of my previous labors and deliveries.  It just wasn't a joyous time for me. 

I was hungry and was offered a sandwich, which I did eat while the nurse took measurements.  She washed his hair but he had dry skin so she just more rinsed him off with water and a washcloth only.  After awhile Dusty went home for the night to be with the other kids since they still had school the next day.

The nurse eventually got me up to go to the bathroom but I was still numb and needed a lot of assistance.  So the next time I went I didn't need much help by then but better to be safe so I pushed my nurse call button.  After that I was good to go on my own. 

The night was a long night.  I needed a blood draw because I had lost more blood then usual.  Another unexpected thing to me.  The baby didn't want to sleep which that is all I wanted to do was just to close my eyes for a little bit.  I felt like if I asked the nurse to help me that I would be a failure.  So I just choked back my tears and counted down the hours until Dusty would be back up in the morning.

The lactation consultant came by in the morning and asked how breastfeeding was going.  I told her how he bites. So she helped me with the football hold and also looked into his mouth and thought he had a tongue tie.  She told me to mention it to the pediatricians when they came back around.  I did.  And sure enough he did.  They clipped it.  And he didn't bite after that.  But we still other breastfeeding issues that were to follow. 

We also came up with a name for baby boy.  Theodore Edward. 

As we were going through the dismissal process, we had to wait for Theodore's bloodwork to come back.  When it did, his bilirubin levels were high and the pediatrician wanted to keep him one more day.  So the nurse called my dr and asked for orders so I could stay.  So another long night in the hospital.  This was upsetting and just once again went back to feeling that great disappointment.  I thought maybe I had caused this.  It just was so hard on me.  But I didn't want to mention this to anyone.  I didn't want to hear what I needed to do to change this.  Or if I had done this or that.  No you weren't in my place.  You weren't me.  I made decisions on how I felt during that time.  Don't judge me don't give me advice.  I just didn't want to hear that.  I didn't know where to turn for help so I just kept it to myself.

I finally was able to go home the next afternoon.  I get home and the house was such a mess.  It just added to that lack of joy I was feeling.  It just wasn't me to have a messy house.  It was all wrong. 

My breastfeeding issues continued.  It wasn't fun.  I kept having pains after every feeding.  The pains were deep shooting in the breast.  I went into to see the nurse practioner which she thought was ductal yeast and put me on diflucan.  I needed two rounds with no success.  It was mentioned to me from another breastfeeding mother that maybe it was raynauds.  So I decided to schedule a physical with my primary.  I wasn't just having breast pains but also my joints just all hurt.  My fingers would just throb at night.  So what I thought I would ask about it all.  But my primary said the breast pain was just from overabundance.  And that my joint would go away but to take advil for the pain as needed.  If it didn't get better to come back.  Ugh I didn't want to go back.  I didn't want to take advil.  That is all I am ever told take is Advil since 15!

I left and looked up Raynaud's and it fit my pains.  I decided to give magnesium a go.  After a month the breast pains decreased.  The joint eased up but I still have days.  By April I had an appt with the OB where I talked about my moods.  He talked about postpartum depression.  He left the decision up to me.  I decided to wait.  School was almost out.  The weather was warming up. 

The ease of summer was good.  The sun was good.  My joints still are giving me issues.  I did have a lipoma removed from back.  That has helped with my back pain.  I bought an erga baby carrier so I could wear Theodore on my back.  Homeschooling has been on my mind heavily.  I just doubt my abilities and if I can school/unschool my kids.  As we make our way into another school year and I feel that great heaviness I may need to rethink what I need to be doing and what is right for our family. 

I should have reached out to mother's I know for help as I struggled.  But who wants to admit they are failing and need help?  That is a sin to be prideful.  I needed a listening ear.  I needed that young mother to come over and hold me so I could cry.  I need someone.  But I let my pride and ignorance get in the way.  I was ashamed of my labor and wanted to talk about it but was fearful of judgement.  I didn't want to hear anything.  I just wanted to let it out but was afraid of judgement.  I was ashamed.  I was unhappy. 

We are never alone.  All we need to do is reach out and ask.  

 



Where Has the Time Gone

I have so many blog posts in my head but making the time to put them out there seems to be the issue.  I feel I am consumed with my family these days.

We celebrated 9 years on our wedding anniversary this year!  Hopefully for our 10 years we can work at recreating our wedding day.  The biggest thing for me is to renew our vows.  And to have pictures that turn out without construction or scaffolding as our background.  Yes that is healing from what had went wrong that day.  But also to strengthen what we have accomplished and overcome. 

I am also working at expanding my DotsnStripesbyKatie on etsy to include more then just sewing.  I just really enjoy creating.  And I just want to share what I do.  When I craft a part of me is put into the piece I am working on.  And then to send it off to someone else is such a great feeling knowing that it was by hand.

But I am not going to lie.  7 kids is a lot of work.  They all have interests and desires that want or need to be fed.  And it does consume my time.  And as their mother I want to help nuture them or encourage them to be inspired and achieve what interests them.  But sometimes it just seems like too much.  Sometimes I have thoughts of it just being me.  What it would be to not constantly be after the school age kids at doing their homework or clean their rooms or help out.  Not to change dirty diapers or pick up after the 3 year old who learning to go potty on his own.  Not to plan meals and then to plan those meals around activities.  Not to worry about where everyone needs to be at such and such time.  Not to worry about will I forget someones scheduled activity.  Not to worry about trying to find time with my husband who I seem to just dump all my troubles and whines on when things fall apart.  But instead sometimes I think if it was only me I had to worry about.  But how boring my life would be.  I wouldn't have a book of stories like I do to look back on and laugh, cry, smile, or be filled with such joy. 

When we live by the second it is hard to see the path that the Lord has for us.  But when we look at the road we have traveled it is quite a beautiful and mesmerizing puzzle being put together.  Just hard to see when it feels like the pieces in our life are being scattered by the obstacles that we are challenged or faced with on a daily basis.

And sometimes we do need to step back and take a breath to renew ourselves so that we can keep pushing forward, giving ourselves to those we love. 

To trust is to let go of my own desires, wants, and fears.

Labor and Delivery

From that positive pregnancy test I had my heart set on a homebirth.  Dusty was ok with it as long as I had someone to clean up the afterbirth.

We talked about it quite a bit.  I even met up with a friend to get more information.  She gave me some books to read.  I had began to envision the labor I would have.  We were looking into a birth tub and talking about which room I would want to labor in.  But one thing kept holding me back, what if baby got stuck.  Why would I even think this?  All my past births I had no problem of this  Even I was told by my hip doctor that a PAO doesn't effect the pelvic shape or the ability to give birth.  So why the feeling?  Maybe because I hadn't given birth with my reconstructed hips or that my pelvis just seemed wonky.  I don't really know.  Now I only had this strong feeling early on and towards the end of the pregnancy.  As the time grew closer to the big day I also felt that the baby wasn't going to tolerate the birth process. 

My goal was to get at least through the first week of December, the second week would be a bonus.  Why?  It was just a lot to put on the grandparents with all the activities the kids had in December.  I tried to have a basic plan just in case but really it was going to be playing it day by day with their schedules.  I did make it through the first week of December.  Yes!  So I decided that on Monday Dec. 9th I would plan to clean out the fridge and do some grocery shopping so I would have some easy on the go snacks for afterwards.  Or at least I thought. 

After trying to go bed on Saturday 12/7, I just kept tossing and turning.  About 3am I woke Dusty up to tell him I was hungry for some pancakes from McDonald's.  Very odd that I actually wanted to eat.  He went back to bed and didn't get back up until 630ish to go to 7am mass.  He tried to call to see if I still wanted breakfast but I had stayed in bed and didn't hear my cell phone.  Yes we have a house phone but I can only assume he didn't call that in case kids or mommy were still sleeping.  I was a bit upset that he didn't surprise me with breakfast.  The morning went on and I just felt so heavy and big.  The girls and myself went to later church.  During church baby kept moving its head which would spasm my bladder so I made a waddle dash for the restroom to only go a trickle amount of pee.  Ugh.  Same thing happened when I got home from church.  Baby moved its head and I waddle dashed to the bathroom but this time I couldn't even pee.  I finally leaned back on the tank of the toilet with my back and was able to go a little bit.  By the afternoon I was tired and took a nap on the couch.  After waking up I worked out some plans to pick up some sample essential oil I wanted to use in labor.  We decided to take the girls to see the movie Frozen and afterwards picked up the oil. 

Dusty and I watched a TV show in bed Sunday night but I fell asleep and he kept talking to me to keep me awake.  Once the show finished the TV went off and as I was about to fall asleep, contractions kicked in.  These weren't any Braxton hicks, these were the real deal.  I was a bit upset as I just wanted to sleep.  But I thought ok maybe I can rest in between them.  5 minutes later another contraction.  By 1145pm I decided to put a contraction timer on my phone.  They were about 5 minutes apart.  I woke Dusty up to let him know.  He got up and got dressed.  I decided I should get some things together.  After awhile he went back to bed.  Now if the contractions weren't enough my body decided that it needed to cleanse itself because all I did in between contractions was poop.  I had this crazy thought in my head that I was going to be smelling of poop so I showered.  And that is when I realized why my contractions felt different then with Edgar.  It was all in my back. 

I just began to get irritated and angry with the contractions.  I was tired.  I didn't want to poop anymore.  I wanted a little bit of sleep.  At around 4am I decided that I would try some calming tea, not to stop the contractions but more to help me relax into the contractions.  I also ate an apple at that time as that was the only thing that sounded ok.  I listened to my music quite a bit to drowned out any type of noise.  Not that there was a lot of noise during the night but it did help me focus from the sleep I really wanted.  I also tried to straddle the toilet to help open my pelvis to help baby position.  I tried swaying with my hips and applying my own back pressure with hands.  So by 5 or 6 am Dusty asked if I wanted him to stay home.  I told him that was his decision.  When in reality I was really hoping I would be getting an urge to push.  So once again I took another hot bath and would let him know when I would get a contraction.  He only heard me tell him about every other contraction.  By 730-8 am the little kids began to wake up.  I was also really liking the toilet.  I also took full advantage of Paylynn's little hands of helping me push on my back.  Then with one contraction I just felt this different feeling with pressure and thought my water is going to break. And sure enough here is Emma and Edgar hanging out in the bathroom with me asking questions and Paylynn helping push on my back.  Then SPLASH my bag of water broke and all it went into the toilet.  Dusty heard it in the living room where he was at. 

He asked what I wanted to do.  I said go in.  I just felt uncertain after that.  8.5 hours of labor and I still had this feeling.  We get there and get checked in.  My blood pressure was elevated.  The nurse retook it and elevated.  So she tells me to take some slow deep breathes and retakes it.  It was better.  Thank goodness.  Then I try to give a urine sample but my water just kept leaking so that was unsuccessful.  She told the resident that she wasn't going to check to make sure my water had broken as the urine cup was full of amniotic fluid and vernix.  He was good with that unlike the resident I had with Hannah that just insisted. 

I was checked and only at a 4 and 70% effaced with baby high up and he wasn't sure baby was even head down so I had an ultrasound to confirm.  Thankfully baby's head was down.  The back labor was just intense and hurt.  I was tired and fought each contraction.  At one point I was checked again and I was a 6. Finally I just said I can't do this anymore.  I am tired.  I am done.  I don't want to feel these contractions.  I want to rest.  Dusty kept trying to talk me out of the epidural.  The nurse asked if I wanted to be checked and maybe I would be further along and that might help me get through this part.  I said ok. But I was still a 6.  I was done and looked at her and said I want the epidural. 

If you have ever had that feeling of disappointing anyone in your life then you know that feeling I write of.  Well I had that feeling.  I knew I disappointed Dusty.  I felt it greatly.  I didn't have to be told.  I just had no energy or desire to keep going on.  The epidural was placed.  I could only lay on my right side as baby didn't tolerate my left side.  Dr then checked me and said he could stretch my cervix to an 8 but when the resident checked me later in the day I was still a 6.  Finally the nurse decided that she would try my left side again and thank the Good Lord that baby tolerated it.  I was about in tears with the this upper pain I was feeling in my right upper rib.  I also felt myself blowing up like a whale.  The nurses couldn't get any urine to drain from bladder.  The nurse did tell the Dr that she thought the baby was not only coming out face up but catywhompus.  So the dr checked and tried to help position baby and stretch my cervix.  Baby did not tolerate this one bit.  Baby's heart rate kept dropping into the 90's.  He also confirmed that baby was stuck on my pubic bone face up with the eyebrow trying to come out first.  My contractions also began to fizzle out so I was given the choice of nipple stimulation or Pitocin.  I decided on Pitocin as things weren't going as planned and I had already disappointed him.  I just felt very down.  More on that in a later post. 

He thought that maybe baby was trying to figure out the position and when my water broke it shot baby's head down causing the head to get kinked and stuck.  He kept having me push.  But baby wasn't tolerating this at all.  I was so tired.  I have never had to work this hard to push any of babies out.  He did step out and came back to talk about using a vaccum to help along with my pushes to help get baby unstuck. He told me they allowed only three times and then the next thing is to proceed to a c section.  Honestly it was on the tip of my tongue to just go for the c section.  That is how tired I was.  And anyone who knows me that I don't want csections unless absolutely needed.  Oxygen was placed and I was told to push.  I prayed to the Lord to be my strength. That I needed Him.  And with that I gave it my all.  I found something in me to gather up all my strength I had left and push.  What relief to my ears to hear stop pushing I did it.  I got baby's head unstuck and under my pubic bone. ALLELIUA!  Baby's heart rate immediately returned to normal.  And with in a few pushes my baby was in my arms.  My sweet baby BOY!  Yes after 19.5 hours of active labor I was able to hold my baby. 

I didn't tear but I did swell and bruise.  I also retained the IV fluids that were given to me. 

Now began the journey of the postpartum journey.  But this was the song that helped me get through the labor and delivery.  It was not at all what I had anticipated or wanted.  It was far from what I dreamed.  But God has a plan.  And His plan is ALWAYS better then my own. 

I call on You Lord.  I need You in all things.  



Pregnancy

It is has been quite sometime since my last blog post.  So much has happened.  But I will begin and blog about the latest pregnancy experience. 

When I found out we were expecting, I had a lot of emotions.  I knew the date was December and could possible be on the day I let go of our Angel Baby Michael Sophia.  That in itself brought many emotions.  But I knew that God has a plan and to trust that He knows best. 

I had morning sickness.  But what I wanted to do differently was to try not to take any medications this pregnancy.  With hip dysplasia I have relied heavily on Tylenol and/or Advil and yes even prescription pain medications.  Since having the surgery, my hips have felt pretty darn amazing.  For the morning sickness I tried natural remedies.  I found that spearmint, chocolate mint, or orange mint leaves in my water with slices of lemon helped so I could stay as hydrated as possible.  Laying on the couch when I could also really helped to keep anything I consumed to stay down.  There were times that nothing worked and I would take a Zofran but that only was needed 5 times early on. 

By the summer, I was really looking forward to the morning sickness lifting.  The actual getting sick did but the nauseated feeling stayed for the whole 9 months as did the extreme fatigue and brain fog.  I did use my mom's blood glucose meter to check my sugars as I was napping a lot and just had no energy after eating breakfast or lunch.  My sugars weren't drastically high but high enough for me to cause me issues.  Once again I set out to balance my carbs and sugars.  Eggs in the morning worked well but sadly I just couldn't stand the eggs.  I did  eventually find a way towards the end.  I would sauté onions and bacon together along with chopped sweet potato and then add the eggs and top it all off with cheese.  I had to watch my salt intake otherwise I would swell up something awful.  I also saw a chiro as I was experiencing pubic bone pain.  And at one point I couldn't walk so I made the call.  My fears of being adjusted had to be let go.  After the first adjustment I felt relief. 

Over the summer, my mom also had her left knee replaced so I opened my house to her.  I just found that since my house has the bathroom, bedroom, and kitchen all on the same level where as hers is a tri level it would make her recovery better.  I felt bad as this recovery for her was more of a challenge.  Good news she is doing better!

By the time school started, I felt stressed.  The kids and their schedules just always seemed to change.  There never seemed to be a  consistent schedule.  I just felt myself wearing down.  By early October my body must have said enough.  I came down with a fever on Saturday and Sunday called the nurse because during the night the baby became very active which wasn't typical of baby.   She suggested I go into LDR to make sure it wasn't a UTI.  So I dropped Arianna and Hannah off at mass then drove myself to the hospital.  A urine sample was taken and came back negative.  So the resident decided to start an IV and get some fluids in me.  After the first round of fluids, I began having Braxton hick contractions and with those the baby's heart rate began to drop.  That drew some attention.  My OB decided at that point to bring the high risk dr in the practice on.  So much happened.  I had a lot of blood work being drawn to see what was going on.  The decision was then to admit me and give me two doses of steroids for baby's lungs in case baby decided enough was enough.  Then I also was to be given two rounds of IM injection of rocephin antibiotic.  And also to have biophysicals done to make sure that baby was doing ok.  I also was to be given a bolus of magnesium then another dose over 6 hours.

That night, after Dusty came up to drop off a few things for me, I just cried.  I found a song that felt perfect for the way I felt "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North.  I felt like maybe it was something I did or could have prevented.  Here I had been working at not turning immediately to a drug for the morning sickness or Tylenol for aches or pains.  But now here I lay in the hospital bed with so much being given to me.  I just felt like I failed myself and my baby. 

The magnesium bolus made me feel terrible.  I felt like my insides were HOT!  Then the nurse came in with the antibiotic shot and told me they give a numbing shot first because the shot itself hurts.  I found the steroid shot earlier very uncomfortable so I knew if I was to be given something to numb that it was going to be painful.  With the numbing medication it felt like the steroid injection.  But found out when I was transferred that the IM injection without the numbing effect hurts!  I was about to pull the needle out of my rear and cry because it hurt that bad!  I tried to keep relaxed but I don't recommend trying to be hero and tough it out.

By morning, I was transferred to the high risk floor.  It was funny to hear from my OB Dr that I had 10 doctors on my case all trying to figure out the cause of my fever.  He said I will probably be that case they will talk about as all the tests being done were coming back negative.  He told me, the most important thing was that baby was happy and I get better.  Which is what I was doing.  So whatever it was I was responding to the antibiotic.  It was highly suggested that I get the flu vaccine but whether you are for or against vaccines my decision to not receive the vaccine was that  a fever was what brought me and a fever that the baby didn't tolerate so why would a flu vaccine be given to me when side effects could possibly be flu like symptoms including a low grade fever.  I declined as I was just beginning to feel better.  I felt pretty darn good.  I was sending text messages to Dusty about all things I wanted to do when I got home.  He popped my bubble by letting me know it was probably the steroids making me feel motivated.  And he was right.  That motivational feeling didn't stay around long at all.

I was able to go home that Wednesday.  After all this I then became high risk so I had a lot of biophysicals.  Which once again I wasn't even sure I wouldn't that 20 week ulstrasound.  Only reason I did that was to make sure the placenta was out of the way.  But otherwise I was fine without one.  So here I am seeing baby twice a week for two weeks then once a week up until the first part of December when my primary OB Dr thought I was close to delivering that we were good.  I was put on a prophylaxis antibiotic dose to take one at bedtime.  The high risk dr thought it was my kidneys that caused the fever. But primary ob wasn't sold on the idea because the results were negative.  I even had my glucose levels tested but the results came back within normal levels. 

Trying to get to December was a challenge in itself.  I just felt so very tired and brain fogged.  The couch was my spot.  I just had no motivation or energy.  We had a lot of pizza as dinner fell primarily on Dusty to fix. 

As December grew closer I realized that eventually I would have to think about labor and delivery. 

With all things, we must learn to trust in God's plan.