Monday, August 11, 2014


After giving birth, I was so tired and exhausted.  I did get to do skin to skin but I was just so tired.  The labor and delivery was hard on me and I just didn't feel that bond.  I did breastfeed him but he kept biting.  I also was very numb from the epidural. But I felt room to breath!  And no more right side pain.

But I just felt unhappy.  Not with the baby.  Maybe more disappointed.  I don't know.  I haven't ever felt this way after any of my previous labors and deliveries.  It just wasn't a joyous time for me. 

I was hungry and was offered a sandwich, which I did eat while the nurse took measurements.  She washed his hair but he had dry skin so she just more rinsed him off with water and a washcloth only.  After awhile Dusty went home for the night to be with the other kids since they still had school the next day.

The nurse eventually got me up to go to the bathroom but I was still numb and needed a lot of assistance.  So the next time I went I didn't need much help by then but better to be safe so I pushed my nurse call button.  After that I was good to go on my own. 

The night was a long night.  I needed a blood draw because I had lost more blood then usual.  Another unexpected thing to me.  The baby didn't want to sleep which that is all I wanted to do was just to close my eyes for a little bit.  I felt like if I asked the nurse to help me that I would be a failure.  So I just choked back my tears and counted down the hours until Dusty would be back up in the morning.

The lactation consultant came by in the morning and asked how breastfeeding was going.  I told her how he bites. So she helped me with the football hold and also looked into his mouth and thought he had a tongue tie.  She told me to mention it to the pediatricians when they came back around.  I did.  And sure enough he did.  They clipped it.  And he didn't bite after that.  But we still other breastfeeding issues that were to follow. 

We also came up with a name for baby boy.  Theodore Edward. 

As we were going through the dismissal process, we had to wait for Theodore's bloodwork to come back.  When it did, his bilirubin levels were high and the pediatrician wanted to keep him one more day.  So the nurse called my dr and asked for orders so I could stay.  So another long night in the hospital.  This was upsetting and just once again went back to feeling that great disappointment.  I thought maybe I had caused this.  It just was so hard on me.  But I didn't want to mention this to anyone.  I didn't want to hear what I needed to do to change this.  Or if I had done this or that.  No you weren't in my place.  You weren't me.  I made decisions on how I felt during that time.  Don't judge me don't give me advice.  I just didn't want to hear that.  I didn't know where to turn for help so I just kept it to myself.

I finally was able to go home the next afternoon.  I get home and the house was such a mess.  It just added to that lack of joy I was feeling.  It just wasn't me to have a messy house.  It was all wrong. 

My breastfeeding issues continued.  It wasn't fun.  I kept having pains after every feeding.  The pains were deep shooting in the breast.  I went into to see the nurse practioner which she thought was ductal yeast and put me on diflucan.  I needed two rounds with no success.  It was mentioned to me from another breastfeeding mother that maybe it was raynauds.  So I decided to schedule a physical with my primary.  I wasn't just having breast pains but also my joints just all hurt.  My fingers would just throb at night.  So what I thought I would ask about it all.  But my primary said the breast pain was just from overabundance.  And that my joint would go away but to take advil for the pain as needed.  If it didn't get better to come back.  Ugh I didn't want to go back.  I didn't want to take advil.  That is all I am ever told take is Advil since 15!

I left and looked up Raynaud's and it fit my pains.  I decided to give magnesium a go.  After a month the breast pains decreased.  The joint eased up but I still have days.  By April I had an appt with the OB where I talked about my moods.  He talked about postpartum depression.  He left the decision up to me.  I decided to wait.  School was almost out.  The weather was warming up. 

The ease of summer was good.  The sun was good.  My joints still are giving me issues.  I did have a lipoma removed from back.  That has helped with my back pain.  I bought an erga baby carrier so I could wear Theodore on my back.  Homeschooling has been on my mind heavily.  I just doubt my abilities and if I can school/unschool my kids.  As we make our way into another school year and I feel that great heaviness I may need to rethink what I need to be doing and what is right for our family. 

I should have reached out to mother's I know for help as I struggled.  But who wants to admit they are failing and need help?  That is a sin to be prideful.  I needed a listening ear.  I needed that young mother to come over and hold me so I could cry.  I need someone.  But I let my pride and ignorance get in the way.  I was ashamed of my labor and wanted to talk about it but was fearful of judgement.  I didn't want to hear anything.  I just wanted to let it out but was afraid of judgement.  I was ashamed.  I was unhappy. 

We are never alone.  All we need to do is reach out and ask.  


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