I am human. I feel love, joy, hurt, pain, saddness. And it is okay to experience and express my feelings. But it is not okay to just bottle them away.
Yesterday I received a statement from my health insurance. And I looked at it briefly over and realized I owe $84.oo. Nothing was covered for my followup nerve pain. So I read more into it and realized it wasn't covered because the doctor office filed the claim as mental health/substance abuse. I was under the impression that my followup in June was for my nerve pain and to make sure the medicine prescribed was working. But apparently it wasn't for that.
I called my doctor office to see who I could talk to about this. They gave me the billing number since they no longer deal with that. I told the lady on the phone what I went in for back in May and that I was only assuming my followup in June was for the left thigh nerve pain. But I was so wrong. The diagnosis was for Major Depressive Bipolar Disorder as my treatment in June. What the hell?!?! All because I cry when I ask how my surgery went and how I am doing now, I am now mental. Absolutely angers me that I am not able to express my emotions. Where my life was going presurgery to what I have been given from the surgery is more then I could ever put into words. My life is a beautiful piece of work.
Friday, June 29, 2012
Monday, June 11, 2012
Chicago 2012
Just this past weekend, I was in Chicago with Dusty and our two oldest kids.
Friday was spent driving. We did stop in KC to shop. Which was a good thing because I went off and forgot my skirt that I was planning on wearing Saturday. Brady found a lego and Arianna had her American Girl doll hair fixed and her doll ears pierced.
Saturday we did sleep in a little bit. That was nice! We walked around Navy Pier. We rode the ferris wheel that lets you see Chicago Downtown. I was hesitant to ride because I have a fear of heights. I thought taking pictures would help. Nope. I began to feel sick and sweaty as we got higher. I finally just closed my eyes and grabbed the metal bars. I told Dusty to tell me when we were headed down. The higher we got the windier it became. That didn't help me. Once I heard the words "we are on way down" was a HUGE relief.
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| Ferris Wheel |
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| Arianna and Myself |
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| Dusty and Brady |
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| The sun was in my eyes. I really was happy. |
After the Peir, we drove to the beach to see Lake Michigan. That was fun too.
Later that night we went to see Brad Paisley in concert. This was lots of fun. I have decided that most country songs sing about beer and having a good time so perhaps beer is the answer to life. Ok probably not but why not.
We got back to the hotel after 1:00am. We wanted to be on the road at 4am to get back for Brady's scout mass but decided that we would still make it if we left at 430am. With only three stops we didn't make it in time. I guess we cut it too close and didn't succeed. Just one of those decisions that we tried to do everything but in the end we couldn't do it all.
The trip was short but full of fun. Definitely was exhauted when we got home but it was all worth it just to have FUN!!!
Just Crazy
About a month ago, I saw my PCP about what I thought was possible nerve pain in my left thigh. He told me that is common with hip surgeries and then asked how the surgeries went. This question is sensitive to me because the last year I faced difficulties that most would not understand or would just tell me to get over it all ready. And apparently either did my PCP because he then decided that instead of gabapentin for the nerve pain, I needed lexapro in the am and elavil at night.
I left that appointment so mad and angry. Why can't I have emotions without being crazy? So the next day I made the decision to see a counselor to help me overcome the hurt and anger I was feeling. I didn't want to "mask" the hurt anymore. I wanted to punch the damn thing in the face for once. This has honestly been the best decision for me. I have an amazing counselor who listens to me and makes me feel like I am normal. And she tells me feelings and emotions are normal! She reassures me that for all I have been through that it is okay to feel up and down.
But then a month later my PCP wanted to see me back. So I was excited to tell him that I decided to take a different approach. And yes my nerve pain was acting up about a week and a half before I would start my period. He then proceeded the check my left hip ROM. And has he did this I would tell him that my hip wouldn't go any further or that hurt but once again he insisted that it should. At that moment all I remember is how when I went for a followup check after my right hip surgery, that PT in Boston told me most people want to force the hip because they don't understand what is done with a PAO. So when they think they are hitting bone they are but find it odd so then try to work past that causing pain for the patient. And this is what was happening with me. My PCP also was very insist on wanting me to take lexapro and the elavil. But yet when I ask if I can have something to take just in case my left hip joint acts up while on our road trip that we were getting ready to take. I told him I can't take anything like advil because it upsets my stomach. And tylenol just won't touch the pain. So he said sure and went to get some samples. He said that what he was giving me wouldn't cause stomach pain but I was to only take 1 just as needed and it would last for 12 hours. So I looked at it when I got home and it was naproxen with a coating. I knew that if my left hip joint acted up that this was NOT going to work.
I left angry but that same day I also had a couseling appointment. I told her all about what I experienced earlier that day and how it made me feel. That is when she told me it is okay to feel emotion. It does no good to bottle it away because it does no good and will only come around at another time making it much worse.
I finally decided to go ahead and make an appointment with Dr. Buhr for my right knee that has been really acting up. And I will ask about my hip too. I also emailed Dr. Millis and he told me that nerve pain was not common. So now I am like hmmmmm. If I don't get answers from Dr. Buhr I am really considering just making an appointment with Dr. Millis at this point because I am having numbness in my feet that will occur upon waking or when I immediately sit down or stand up. Also my right arm is feeling numb and weak.
I left that appointment so mad and angry. Why can't I have emotions without being crazy? So the next day I made the decision to see a counselor to help me overcome the hurt and anger I was feeling. I didn't want to "mask" the hurt anymore. I wanted to punch the damn thing in the face for once. This has honestly been the best decision for me. I have an amazing counselor who listens to me and makes me feel like I am normal. And she tells me feelings and emotions are normal! She reassures me that for all I have been through that it is okay to feel up and down.
But then a month later my PCP wanted to see me back. So I was excited to tell him that I decided to take a different approach. And yes my nerve pain was acting up about a week and a half before I would start my period. He then proceeded the check my left hip ROM. And has he did this I would tell him that my hip wouldn't go any further or that hurt but once again he insisted that it should. At that moment all I remember is how when I went for a followup check after my right hip surgery, that PT in Boston told me most people want to force the hip because they don't understand what is done with a PAO. So when they think they are hitting bone they are but find it odd so then try to work past that causing pain for the patient. And this is what was happening with me. My PCP also was very insist on wanting me to take lexapro and the elavil. But yet when I ask if I can have something to take just in case my left hip joint acts up while on our road trip that we were getting ready to take. I told him I can't take anything like advil because it upsets my stomach. And tylenol just won't touch the pain. So he said sure and went to get some samples. He said that what he was giving me wouldn't cause stomach pain but I was to only take 1 just as needed and it would last for 12 hours. So I looked at it when I got home and it was naproxen with a coating. I knew that if my left hip joint acted up that this was NOT going to work.
I left angry but that same day I also had a couseling appointment. I told her all about what I experienced earlier that day and how it made me feel. That is when she told me it is okay to feel emotion. It does no good to bottle it away because it does no good and will only come around at another time making it much worse.
I finally decided to go ahead and make an appointment with Dr. Buhr for my right knee that has been really acting up. And I will ask about my hip too. I also emailed Dr. Millis and he told me that nerve pain was not common. So now I am like hmmmmm. If I don't get answers from Dr. Buhr I am really considering just making an appointment with Dr. Millis at this point because I am having numbness in my feet that will occur upon waking or when I immediately sit down or stand up. Also my right arm is feeling numb and weak.
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