Semi-Frustrated Explosion

My left is really aching today. It is making me very irritable. I just don't see how things are going to get done around the house when I am recovering. I can't comprehend being out for many weeks not doing laundry or caring for the kids. It is all going to be on Dusty. It just bothers me to think that about it. Currently I am not doing a good job at it either so why the worry I don't know. I have so many questions of how am I going to do this. I don't have help now so why do I want help later when I am a freaking mess. No I don't want people to see me like that. I am seriously full of frustrations somedays. It frustrates me that I have to do this surgery. It would be wonderful if I could just be normal and not have to worry about this. Or just going for a walk should not cause pain. Yes yesterday was beautiful and I wanted to get out. So I strapped Edgar to me and the girls went into the double stroller. It was so great to be outside in the fresh air. But now look I hurt from it. For once I would love to be normal.

Today Edgar had his one month well child checkup. Ok really more like one and a half months. Somehow when the doctor's office went to verify insurance coverage they were being told that he wasn't covered. They gave me the choice that I could pay for his visit out of pocket or I could reschedule. So I just pushed it back two weeks to see what was going on. But having mommy mushy brains, I didn't hop right on that. I really meant to but just forgot. Of course the hours to call were a bit odd 830-330 M-F like eastern time. But after a week of forgetting I finally did remember to call! Woohoo! And they said he was covered since 12/5. Woohoo again! I was so very much relieved. Dusty did try to make a joke and say that he wasn't covered because we had too many kiddos. Hahaha:) Anyway the lady I spoke with gave me a number that the office could call and verify. I gave the office that number and they said if I don't hear back that all was good to go. I never heard back. Yeah!
Edgar weighs 12 pounds and is 24 inches in length! What a little porker. Or maybe better yet may little Pork N' Beans. His length is in the 95% percentile with his weight not far behind. Wow I have never had a child be at the top of the chart on height, ever. Hannah is average while the other 4 are still growing but on the smaller end. Hey nothing wrong with being tiny. Plus they have time to shoot up.
I have been doing better. I am currently working on strengthening my legs, my tummy, and back. I love the pregnant belly but it sure does make for some weak muscles afterwards. I also thought it might help with the recovery process if I am in shape a bit. The left still bothers me. It is a deep ache that is getting to me the most. They do still just randomly give out. Otherwise they are tolerating the leg workout. I am starting easy.
A crazy thing I have noticed is that my knees will just lock up. I will just suddenly get this really tight stiff pain feeling and will have to wait for it loosen up. It doesn't last long. It can happen when I am walking around, standing, or sitting. Not really sure what that is about. Hopefully it nothing and unrelated to my hip issue. Cross my fingers and knock on wood.
Lil Pork N' Beans is waking up and will want his buffet very soon.

Weather...Not So Friendly

Ice, snow, sleet, etc. not on my list of fun. I don't like driving in it or walking on it. It is not my cup of tea.
Well this morning was not my idea of fun. But it may humor some of you readers of my stupidity.
Dusty had to go into work early so when he left I hopped into the shower before the kids were to wake for school. Everything was going smoothly. I managed to get the little ones dressed and the all the girls hair fixed. I didn't leave as early as I had hoped for but I wasn't going to stress over it. I knew to take it slow on the icy roads. But I didn't expect trouble from just backing out of the driveway. Not a good way to start the drive to school especially for someone who dreads the ice. Anyway I was backing out of the driveway slowly and started to turn the wheel as I backed into the street but the wheels and car had a mind of their own and didn't turn. It made me nervous but I did fine and figured it out and headed off to school. The main roads weren't bad. But I still drove with caution, not following anyone too close. The side street that the school is on was slick. I would barely touch the gas and I could feel the car not behaving. I could feel that tense feeling coming back. There were so many cars stopping and going, stopping and going. All I could think about was just let me stop and not continue sliding. I did get through that obstacle, dropped the kids off and went to park. I debated on going to church to listen to Hannah do her petition. Finally I built up the guts to attempt the parking lot. Those around me didn't appear to have trouble so I thought I could walk on the ice too. So I get Emma and Edgar out and head around the car to get Paylynn out and I feel my feet sliding. I turned around and told Emma we would try again another day. I just hope Hannah isn't too disappointed.
The drive home was no problem, the traffic level was down. But pulling into the driveway soon became my new problem. The first attempt I didn't have enough power to get up the slant so I backed up went around the block and tried again with more gas but that didn't work either. I just slid towards our recycle bin. I thought better of myself then to try a third time. I didn't want to take out that new garage door we just had replaced. So I drove around a bit, came back and parked on the curbside. I walked the girls up to the house only to realize that Dusty had went out through the gargage therefore the screen door was locked. So I had to go open the garage door to go in.
Driving and walking on ice has never been a joy to me. So yes feel free to laugh at my stupidity but at that moment in time I did what I thought best. I probably looked like a goof but hey I managed in my own way.

Bedtime Thoughts

As I lay in bed tonight, I think to myself about the surgery. I ask myself if I really can do this. It is such a major surgery and the recovery process is long. Can I be strong enough, I sure hope so. Having surgery is scary to me. And right now I am having one of those thoughts of doubt. I don't know how I will do or what I will feel when I wake up afterwards. I don't know how long it will take to be back to normal. So yes it is a lot but I do know that I am a strong person. I will have my ups and downs, fears and worries, but I know with much needed support that I can get through this. There will more than likely be days that I will doubt and then be days of bravery. But what I need most is faith and trust in myself and in God. And everything else will fall into place and work out.

A Little Boost

Yesterday was that little boost of charge I needed. Yes the dishes sat in the sink, the laundry piled up, but it didn't go anywhere. It stayed put for me to do another day, like today or tomorrow. I didn't take a nap but I did take it easy.
Today Dusty told me I was going out. I was given insructions to go have mommy time with other mommies. So I did. I took the youngest two with me and we went out to a diaper swap. It was alot of fun. I did find some gently used cloth diapers for Edgar and at a very affordable price. I also met some moms who I knew. I chatted with them for quite some time.
It was just really nice to meet these other mommies who babywear, cloth diaper, and share most of the same ideas I do about parenting.

Me

Last night before I finally fell asleep I made a decision that I am going to do nothing. Yes a day of NOTHING! Keep your opinion to yourself because I have been doing housework since I have gotten home. Maybe it hasn't been up to standards but I haven't taken the time for me. And no not because I am a selfish person either. It has been so crazy since I have had him that now it is all catching up to me and I am literally a mess that is crumbling into many little pieces.
So today has been made a day for me. Unfortunately I still have to take the kids to school and pick them up so it probably means no nap just laying down perhaps. These is what I should have done after having little buddy but I just found that things had to get done in my mind. Now look at me I am nothing but a tearfest, not wanting to do anything. Hopefully it is just the blues and not PPD.
I am starting to find some relief from the cream that doctor had called out. The best $35.00 spent! Trying to feed Edgar and having pain is horrible. Like I said in my previous post something was going to have to give. And one was to quit breastfeeding. I am not a quitter and I kept at it. But the thought crossed my mind. It just wasn't the answer.
So here is to me. Cheers!

Baby Blues Not so Fun

Maybe I will get around to getting out of pajama pants today and take a shower. This week has just been wierd. I am lacking the energy to get things done. So any attempt to clean the house up to at least a decent condition isn't happening. I think I might actually have the baby blues. I was doing pretty good after I had Edgar but for some reason I am a mess this week. I can hardly nurse him on my left side because it is really painful. I did call the OB office and they sent a script out. But it was to the only pharmacy in town that makes compound prescriptions. So it was going to take a full day to prepare. Maybe tonight I will have some relief but until then I will just have to bite the stick and deal with the pain. But if only my sorrows could end there. I have this headache that just won't go away and what is strange I didn't even have an apidural during labor. I have tried even drinking a little caffiene but no help. At least the sweet tea tasted good and made me feel happy. But unfortunately I still have a headache. It is going on 5 days now. Maybe I am just really tired. And then my left hip just is so darn achy, sore, and stiff. Something is going to have to give. I have managed to work a bit on the laundry and run the sweeper in part of the living room. It was beginning to look like we eat off the floor instead of the kitchen table. Gross. But hey if anyone can think they can do better. Be my guest and get over here. Otherwise don't judge me. Hormones are all over the place. I am trying to think about surgery. But that only is frustrating me at this point. I think I am just overwhelmed with it all.
I know it will get better and a new baby is an adjustment whether it is your first or not. And then to plan for a major surgery that is going to leave me useless for awhile is a lot to take in currently.

New Date

I have a new surgery date May 2nd. Dr. Millis will be out on April 29th. Just moved it back a few days, not bad and still do-able.
The kids had a snow day today. I was excited I didn't have to get out. The kids have enjoyed it. Arianna and Brady played out back for over an hour! Hannah and Emma played for about 15 minutes max. It was COLD and Hannah didn't have a snowsuit that fit her. She was trying to squeeze into Emma's 3T. And then Emma didn't have the good snow gloves just mittens so they were soaked in a matter of minutes. Paylynn wanted nothing to do with the outside and bundling up again.

A Surgery Date

April 29th is my surgery date. It will be at Children's Boston Hospital.
I go for a preop and MRI on April 19th.
After a week of much debate on which date to pick from we finally decided on 3/18. But unfortunately dates don't stay around long and that wasn't availabe any more or was the 4/11.
This works out for the best. It gives a bit more time for me to pump. Edgar will be a little bit older by then. Plus the kids will only have a month left of school. And the weather will be warmer.
It will be here before I know it. In the meantime, I can think of some projects that I can work on to keep me busy, such as making Edgar's baptismal gown, and the girls Easter dresses.
It is good to have a date set but a bit scary too. I just need to stay positive and tell myself I can do this.