Such a Battle

I finally made an appt to meet with my GP.  I have had so much anxiety.  Xanax doesn't work for me as it makes me angry.  I don't need anger.  I need to be calmed down.

I did have some valium left over from hip surgeries and took one as I tolerate that ok.  And yes it did help to bring my anxiety down.

I know to most people a big family is questionable.  But for me this is my life.  This is what keeps me going.  Not planning when to add or not to add another life.  I trust God in His plan.  And when I don't, I have let doubt set in me.  I know there will be times of struggle and times of joy.  But I struggle right now. 

I was given a different drug to try for my anxiety.  But I was advised that a baby isn't the answer.  I need to look at the bigger picture.  I need to consider regulating my periods, I need to think about antidepressants to help cope with the grief of the miscarriage, and I need to think about trying to sleep.  But for this month he just gave me something for anxiety and let me think about what he thought was best.  He said I have 6 kids and that is a lot and to add another child is going to add further stress.  Is it me then that has the problem?  Is it me that is the outcast on this?

I just don't understand how what seems so simple to me is then turned into something so complicated to think about.  I don't get it one bit.  I just find myself exhausted from the thoughts and battles that occur in my head as I try to do God's will.  His will is much different then what the world has to offer.  And yes even family have told me that 6 is plenty.  That don't I know how expensive kids are.  Yes I do.  But I place my trust and faith in the Good Lord that He will never leave my side.  Yes there will be times of struggle and times of great joy.  But didn't His Son face struggles and joys Himself?  He died for us.  He turned to His Father in His great agony in the garden.  And yes I to turn to the Him in my struggles. 

I am your lowly servant and here to serve You my Lord and my God.

Getting Better

I have been doing much better the past two weeks.  I have been taking some natural supplements to help. 
Bee propolis---to help with the cyst.
Royal jelly---for ovary health
Milk thistle---for a healthy liver as I was taking so much ibuprofen and tylenol. 
Calcium---for bone health
Cod liver oil---for overall health and wellbeing
Cranberry---bladder health but only when I drink a coffee

But I do feel better overall.  Even considering the still sleepless nights I am having.  I try to just accept the restlessness I am having and use the time I really can't fall back asleep to stay in bed and just pray to God and to my baby.  I love the late night conversations as I speak from the deeper part of me.  A part of me that is filled with such richness and true meaning.   I know this is what carries me through.  I just know. 

My heart at times still breaks with tears.  He knows me, He understands me.  My heart is filled with His love.  It isn't always joy but sorrow too.  And this I must place full trust in. 

With You I am everything but without You I am nothing.

The Cause

Saturday I awoke still feeling pain.  So I drove myself to the ER.  I didn't mess with calling the dr just went in.  I had a pregnancy test done---negative but I knew that.  Blood work done.  A manual vaginal exam and a vaginal ultrasound to check for any retained pieces from the miscarriage.  But everything checked out fine.  My iron was on the lower end of normal but otherwise all the workup showed signs that my body was recovering from this whole ordeal.  During the wait for all the results I prayed and prayed that all would be ok.  But there was one thing, a cyst on my left ovary was found.  The ER doctor explained that cysts are common and can cause the pain but that all checked out and the nurse would be in to dismiss. 

It didn't even hit me until the drive home that when I went into the ER on 11/25 that a cyst was found on my left ovary.  Made me kinda think that maybe it was the same one.  But later Saturday night I thought maybe it was depression causing all my symptoms so I did the biggest no no ever and googled depression.  I just cried and cried because I thought that was my problem.  And it was in my head.  It just brought me down as I didn't want to take any antidepressants because eventually I would like to consider trying in the future but I guess that too will have too wait.  That is what I thought anyway. 

But Sunday I had a light bulb go off.  And decided to google ovarian cysts.  And wow now that explains a lot of what I feel.  Strange how a cyst can cause the backache, nausea, lower abdomenal pain, and headaches. 

So on Monday I waited for the doctor to call me.  As on Friday the director called Dusty to talk to him about the sitution.  And he just explained in a polite manner what was happening.  So on Monday when he called I just told him how I went to the ER and what was found and how I still felt.  I told him I do think the insomnia is related to the emotional part of the miscarriage but that irritability is coming from the pain I am feeling.  He went over options with me.  He also told me that when a cyst measures 4cm that is when they show symptoms but he said he didn't have ovaries and wouldn't know so he listens to his patients and size doesn't matter.  In other words he looks at the patient and not the textbook standards.  This is why I like him.  He also felt bad that I bled so heavily for so long---3.5 weeks before passing my baby.  He even admitted that he thought that on my appt on 11/27 that he had extracted the majority of it all.  So he felt bad that I was left and told everything was normal when it wasn't.  He also told me that it isn't the norm to get a period like I did so soon after that.  He just felt bad. I could hear it in his voice. He even as far to tell me that since they see miscarriages frequently that sometimes they forget that a patient doesn't know what is normal and needs that extra help.  I knew he felt bad. 

He did call out xanax to take at bedtime that I can take as needed to help get a better sleep.  He said antidepressants are fine too but that they take time to kick in and then if we start trying they become controversial as to whether how safe it is for the baby.  And just going on it for a month really wouldn't be worth it.  So together we decided for now just something to help me get me rest at night. 

For the cysts I am trying bee propolis and royal jelly as I would really like to try a natural approach first.  I just don't know if I could honestly face another surgery at this point.  Just with what happened with my last surgery is what holds me back right now.  So for now I am holding off.  I also believe that this week I should ovulate, that is if my body does, and I want to see how my body will respond to the hormones of that.  Maybe it will help and maybe it make it worse.  If it I get worse or stay the same I will call back and opt for the surgery.  But for now I just want to give it a little more time. 

So yes even though I do have some side effects emotionally from the miscarriage I also have physical complications too that are causing me to not feel 100% yet. 

My Lord you know my heart better then anyone.  I ask for your tender love and guidance during this time.  Without You I am nothing but with You I am everything.

Beyond Words

Yesterday I went to the Y to walk on the treadmill to help burn off some excess anxiety I have been having from this miscarriage.   I liked walking.  But I kept cramping every 5 minutes while walking on it.  I only walked for 20 minutes, so odd with the cramping.  But the last 5 minutes I cramped and then bled.  I was unhappy as I already was taking the advil and tylenol.  Just frustrating.  But I did feel better emotionally. 

At counseling today, the counselor listened to what I said.  And she told me I needed to get into see my OB as she felt I needed to be seen by him.  She felt that I can't grieve until I am reassured of my physical well being.  She was surprised that I was allowed to bleed heavily for 3.5 weeks with no concern and to be told to take 800mg ibuprofen and 2 tylenol, use heat and go to the ER otherwise.  That is all I have been told when I call in.  Or that I need to be filling several pads for several hours.  Ugh just exhausting---physically and emotionally--- is what I feel honestly.  At the end of my session she felt the I didn't need to see her as she felt that I needed to be seen for my physical well being.  She did say that I should mention my emotional state too but that I really need to be seen for the physical. 

After my counseling appt, I went to pick up my kids from school.  While I waited, I called the OB office and told the receptionist that I would like to make an appt with my Dr. as I haven't been doing so well from the miscarriage.  She said "one moment".  And I was put on hold.  When she returned, she said she was transferring me to his nurse as she needed to speak with me.  Ugh.  No I wanted to make an appt.  But I was transferred before I could finish.  So I talk to the nurse and tell her no I haven't been doing well.  I am angry and not sleeping.  I am cramping, hurting, and bleeding.  She then told me that they feel I need to see my family practice Dr. for this.

I hung up and called Dusty.  I was upset and in tears as I feel I am told by the ER dr to call my OB if the bleeding increases or the cramping increases.  It was even written on my discharge papers. So when I filled two pads in less then an hour and twice I might add this happened that night, I called but I was transferred to 24 hour on call nurses.  Where I was instructed that if it happened again to go into the ER.  I was tired and went to bed.  I was told to call my dr.  I did  and wasn't put through to him.  So when I went in that Tuesday 11/28 my dr told me to call him back if the bleeding hadn't slowed down or stopped by the end of that week.  It didn't but I thought pregnancy #7 I would wait until Monday.  I called Monday and was told by his nurse that  I need to be filling several pads in several hours.  So I hung up.  Well the cramping and heavy bleeding continued for a total of 3.5 weeks. 

I just am really upset that when I call the office I am transferred to the nurse and when I call to make an appt I am transferred to the nurse where I am told that I need to see my family practice doctor.  No my family practice dr hasn't seen me for this miscarriage.   I just don't know.  This has all been very frustrating as I can't get my questions answered.  I can't talk to my doctor.  I just don't know.  I am exhausted from the bleeding.  I am exhausted from the cramping.  I am exhausted from being exhausted. 

What Makes a Mother

What Makes a Mother

I thought of you and l closed my eyes.

And prayed to God today.

I asked what makes a mother and

I know I heard Him say,

A mother has a baby.

This we know is true.

But God, can you be a mother

when you baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, He replied with confidence in His voice.

I give many women babies.

When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime

and others I send to feel your womb

but there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God,

I want my baby here.

He took a breath and cleared His throat

and then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you what your child is doing today.

If you could see your child smile

with other children and say,

"We go to earth to learn our lessons

of life and love and fear.

My mommy loved me, Oh so much

I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a mom

who had so much love for me,

I learned my lesson very quickly.

My mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy. oh so much,

but I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep,

on her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

and whisper in her ear,

"'Mommy don't be sad today,

I'm your baby and I'm here.'"

So you see my dear sweet one,

your children are okay.

Your babies are here in MY home

and this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with ME

until you lesson is through.

And on the day that you come home,

they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a mother---

It's the feeling in your heart.

It's the love you had so much of,

right from the very start.

Though some on earth

may not realize you are a Mother,

until their time is done.

They'll be up here with ME one day,

and know you're the best one.

---Jennifer Wasik---

I found this poem on the internet.  But I wanted to share.  I may come across as completely nuts but I prayed one night when I couldn't sleep to my Michael Sophia.  I asked my baby to bring to the Lord my hurt and sorrow as I couldn't do this anymore.  I needed His guidance and love to embrace me. 

But as I prayed I also felt the embrace of my baby tell me I was never alone.  My baby was just a breath away.  And one day I will hold my baby.  But for now my baby is well loved.  I also felt something deep in me, that as I watched my husband sleep, that I knew he hurt from this too, he just must keep strong for me and the kids.  I knew that night he truly did love me. 

But I think why can't I find that happiness and hold on to it?  I do have good moments but I also have moments of tears and anger.  I just looked to the moment when I would labor and all that I worked for would be placed in my arms where I would embrace my baby with all my love.  But I didn't get that or so I thought. 

I have a birth story just not the typical birth story of happiness.  But yet it is happiness as my baby is in Heaven protecting the family.  I did hold my baby but not the way I expected.  I held my baby inside.   This is God's plan.  This is God's sorrow and yet this is God's happiness.  This is God's great love.  

Teen Mom

Today I awoke way to early but I just couldn't sleep.  Something I find myself doing.  Just waking up to toss and turn.  I don't hurt.  I just can't sleep.  Today it was 230am. Yes just way to early.  It isn't fun. 

Today has also brought up some hurt feelings from the past.  As most of heard or perhaps even watched the show Teen Mom.  Well someone on facebook mentioned this show and made a comment.  I just thought how I was a teen mom.  I gave up eating with my friends during lunch to go eat my sack lunch in the nurses room so I could pump.  I took her to all her well child checkups.  I went to all my prenatal checks.  I even labored without any drugs.  I did this for my baby.  Yes I was scared of being a mother.  And yes I had my mother to help me so I could stay in school and graduate.  My family was my village.   I was young.  I was 17 when I gave birth.  I loved my baby with all my heart.  I gave her my all at such a young age of when most high schoolers are having fun and hanging out.  Motherhood is a gift God has blessed me with.  Not all teen mom's are selfish. 

I remember a conversation I had with my OB at the time.  I was having cramping and called to ask about it. He just flat out told me there was nothing that could be done if anything happened.  This really stuck with me as I felt lost as to "what if".  But I went on to have a healthy baby. And the OB went back to his office to let his entire staff know how I delivered without any drugs and how wonderful I did.  He just was very impressed.  Or I remember how the pediatrician at first must have not thought much of me as I was a teen mom.  He must have thought I wouldn't keep with her appts. That my life would get into the way of caring for this precious life God had given to me.  But I loved my daughter that I took her to all her appts. 

It wasn't easy.  But I don't regret that I was cut short of living a "typical" life that the world portrays. 

Why?!?!

Thursday night I spent arguing with Dusty.  He told me I need to go back to counseling.  He told me I need to go to the Y to burn off my excess anxiety I have from this whole miscarriage and the emotions that I have. 

It makes sense.  Why don't I then pick myself up to go walk or workout?  Why don't I just pick up the phone?  It is easy to do right?  For me it is hard to find that in me right now.  I bled for 4.5 weeks.  The first 3.5 weeks were intense cramping and heavy bleeding until I passed the sac/tissue.  Then the bleeding tapered off as did the cramps. After that I had two days before I fell sick with a UTI on Christmas Eve.  I battled this for the week on antibiotics.  My body just seemed to fight getting better but after a week and a little cranberry juice after I finished the antibiotic, I felt better.  I had a few days of feeling better but then I began cramping and on and off spotting to on and off light bleeding to now full blown heavy bleeding to vicious cramping that makes me question WHY?!?!  When I call my doctor to get answers all I am ever directed to is the 24 hour nurse hotline.  Seriously nurses are great! I have my degree in nursing but nurses can't write I script only offer advice.  I take the 800 mg ibuprofen and pamprin and use a heating pad.  And all I am told is that this shouldn't be my period and they don't know and to go to the ER.  I don't want an ER bill to tell me this is my period and to take 800 mg iboprofen and tylenol and use heat.  I am doing that.  Just a circle of madness to me. 

I wish that I could just snap my fingers and poof it all be gone.  I did call to see my counselor again.  I don't want to hear that I should wait to let my body heal.  I don't want to be told how I should feel.  I don't want to be told how someone has is it worse.  I don't want to hear any of this.  I don't want to hear anything.  I don't want to be going through any of this. I want to be annoucing we are expecting.  I want that happiness.  I want to not cry or be angry because I am leaving 6  minutes later then I wanted too.  I don't want to hurt any more.  I don't want any more of this. 

Tears and Anger

Yesterday I went for what I prayed to be my last blood draw.  If it wasn't I wasn't sure what I was going to do.  It  just really angers me.  Actually everything seems to anger me.  I have a great feeling this is what postpartum depression is.  I cry and am angry most of the time.  Sometimes I have really good moments but then all of a sudden I am angry and crying.  So yes I prayed that this was my last draw.

But being that I went in around 11 am I knew I wouldn't hear anything until today.  So when the nurse called she said my levels were at 7, I felt a disappointment even though she said I didn't need to go back for any more blood draws.  She explained that I could expect my period in 3-4 weeks and that it could be heavier with more cramping then normal and last longer.  Not very excited for this.  Yes I know that it will be a good thing but right now I don't see that.  Looking back I will just not right now.

Even though I don't have to go back in and was ok with that, I still must have been building the anger because when I sat down to eat my lunch, the anger and tears just hit and went off and exploded.  I just felt so angry. 

I am angry my counselor for telling me that it is best to wait to try so both of us are ready because otherwise the child be looked upon as burden.  I took NFP classes because Dusty wasn't ready and I felt that this would help us.  Yes the class was great but I just really was ready for another baby.  But when I went in for a followup meeting and told the teacher we had tried, she was shocked and stated to me the reason we had wanted to take the class.  I felt hurt and that maybe it was a wrong decision.  Even though the congrats finally came it just stung.  I know why we took the class originally but I know to that we can change our minds.  I mean I was ready to try back early of last year and really ready in July.  So yes when I began to bleed that Sunday November 25th, I knew what I had so long desired was taken from me.  Not to hurt me.  Not to punish me.   But as a human that is what I feel is deep anguish, hurt, and pain from this all.  And as a human I can't help but feel angry towards those that guided me to wait.  I know they meant no harm or wrong but it is just what I feel right now.  I wanted so bad for my levels to be at zero.  I can't move forward until they are zero.  I can't plan what my next step will be.  I just feel so stuck and lost in my anger and tears. 

I know that the anger and tears come from the hurt.  I know that I will move on.  I know that my levels will be zero.  I know I will get through this.  But right now this is what I feel.