The Battle of Self

I had my P+7 draw on Monday and then I had my followup with the doctor Tuesday.

My progesterone level was 20 which was good for where I was in my cycle.  But she did say that she would supplement during pregnancy for the first trimester.  My estradiol was 124.5 also within the 7-700 range of being normal.  

It was only a day wait to get answers  but what God says is "no".  He says "no" to having answers.  He really wants me to let go and die to self so that I can put my full trust in Him.  

I want to understand.  I want answers.  I feel like a child being told "no".  I don't like it.  I am searching for anything to just grasp onto.  But the thing is I do have everything.  So why can't I just accept that?  Because I want something or think I do.  I have that fear of just letting go and saying "Jesus,I trust in You," when I am walking down this path of uncertainty and confusion of what is before me.  

There is that lingering fear that I want to hold on to.  But I must die to that fear and really let go.  I am not alone.  He wants to take me by the hand and guide me through this difficult road of uncertainty and show me something greater.  And as I try to hold on to what I know, the harder it becomes.  This is how the devil twists something so simple and complicates our life.  

The beauty of sorrow and pain is that we can share in the passion Jesus had for us when he died on the cross. The hope was His Resurrection. There will ALWAYS be hope that will end the pain that sorrow brings.  I don't face this struggle alone.  But I must die to self to find that hope.  

Spending time in His presence as the world is silenced for that moment and let Him surround me as I just let go of what I want to understand and know.  

The challenge is the want and will to die to self.  This is much easier to be said then to live and actually do.  It is even more complicated when that one want and desire is holding us back from receiving Our Lord to the fullest and living for Him.  But when we do let go, the beauty of life will shine through us and His greatness can work through us for the world around us to see.  And the devil knows this and makes every attempt to hold us back and keep hold of that selfish I.

A Mother for Eternity

October is awareness of pregnancy and infant loss.

It is hard to let go and say I trust you God.

I have not felt that closure or peace from our recent miscarriage on 8/23/15.  Everyday is a struggle to push myself to get through.  I am currently taking an antidepressant and anti anxiety.  I don't feel like me.  I hardly get through each day.  But as I don't want to be reliant on medications, I am also seeking counseling.

This week I was counseled twice.  The first was by our new pastor.  That was Tuesday evening.  And let me just say I was nervous.  I didn't know what to expect.  I emailed him letting him know how I was feeling that I was angry with God.  That I hurt and struggled with how can this be and why me.  Yes I was honest.  And after pushing the send I thought "did I just really email a priest telling him I am angry with God?!"  I didn't receive an immediate response so I kind of thought and hoped maybe it didn't actually go through.  But it did and he wanted to schedule a meeting.  So Tuesday evening it was.

The best decision I could've ever done.  He gave me spiritual and real life guidance.  I left with bible verses that he went over with me told me it was ok to feel this way.  That right now I am ok.  This is my garden of Gethsemane, this was my suffering, this was my blood and it was ok and it is real.  He gave me these three bible verses:
LAM 3:28-33
JER 31: 15-17
EPH 4:26

He told me that the peace will come. The Holy Spirit will bring that peace.  There is hope but only God knows when that is and that is hard and that is ok.  He said I am a mother of 9 and always will be.  Though I may have only had the two for a very short time, I will still be their mother for all eternity.

Yes I left feeling with hope.  I knew I would still have the hurt and I will have to face that fear of the future but I had hope that in that moment Everything really will be ok.  I will get through this.

Then on Wednesday I also saw a counselor.  She also was amazing.  She really listened.  She also reinforced that it is ok to feel this way.  That God has given this to us to feel.  That through our suffering we can draw closer to Him.  And that is ok.

The Lord, my God, I trust in thee.  As I give myself to You, I am scared but I know You will carry me through this and that alone is enough for me.  I may fall down and cry but You will still remain by my side and wait, never giving up.  

Our Little Saints in Heaven

Michael Sophia 12/11/12

Madison Philomena 8/23/15

A Year of Heartache...

Last months on 8/23 I began to bleed.  It was a Sunday.  But I had that impending doom feeling the day before.  I just had this feeling.

A week earlier I found out well actually my husband read the test and I didn't find out until a couple days later but we were EXPECTING!  That was some pretty damn good news.  I even had the morning sickness heading my way.  I was ready for this.  It has been nothing but heartbreak after heartbreak.  And being told to just relax, I get pregnant easily, or my charts look good.  That is not encouraging to my ears when every cycle was a negative.  But not this cycle.  It finally happened!

But 8/23 Heaven received a little Saint.  My heart broke.  It just crumbled.  And I couldn't talk about it with very many as I have just been so closed off about our trying because I don't want more words of hurt or shame since I have 7.  I know me and I know that I couldn't take hearing that "it was for the best" "I have 7 and want more" "things happen for a reason"  I don't want to hear things like this.  I want love and when God says "no" it is the hardest thing.  Because His "no" is hard when it is something we want so desperately.

This is my cross and it is heavy.  I struggle with just letting go and accepting that God has a plan.  But at almost a year of trying it just destroys me.  It crushes me.  I went to see the NaPro doctor.  She gave me xanax which really worked when my anxiety just would get beyond me.  But I feel I may need a refill or an antidepressant.  I am not doing well mentally.

It hurt when someone close to me didn't like the words I was spewing while I was miscarrying and went on to say some words that just really tore me apart.  And made a Facebook post that I know was directed toward me but now denies it.  I can't take the lies.  I want the truth.  The truth may hurt but lies Destroy.  They rot the soul and who God wants us to be.  Just be honest.  Honesty is healing.

So I hit the shuffle button on my phone to listen to my music.  First three songs are First by Lauren Daigle, How Can It Be by Lauren Daigle, and Lord, I Need You by Matt Maher.  Very appropriate.

Because I am struggling immensely mentally with secondary infertility.  And sadly on the outside, my charts seem great.  But I know they aren't great.  I have said this since my third postpartum cycle.  Something was wrong.  And I feel I am not taken seriously.  "Oh it will happen."  Ok but how long does one have to suffer mentally through this challenge before pushing for answer?  In the rule for guidelines for infertility it is a year of trying with no success if under 35.  That is a lot of heartbreak that a woman has to endure.  I am weak.  I am destroyed.  I am confused.  I am lost.  I am depressed.  I am unhappy.  I am anxious.  I am angry.  Everything I do takes every bit of me to just keep pushing through day just to end the cycle with heartbreak as a new cycle begins.

But at year of trying I finally asked for blood work.  This cycle I go in for P+7 progesterone and estradiol draw.  Can I just say anxiety is at a high.  I don't understand.  This is just out of my control and it is hard to just hand this over when I just want a baby.  It seriously messes with me and gives me constant mental battles.  I look at my charts and say "how is this happening"  "why won't anyone just listen" "why must I keep going through this heartache".

I pray.  I find I argue with God.  I find I turn to God.  I find Mother Mary to be very comforting as she suffered immensely with her seven sorrows that pierced her mother's heart.  She is pure peace and comfort to my aching mother's heart.  She intercedes for me.  God knows not the time that we humans know.  And that is hard.  I am having trouble dying to self and living for God on this personal battle of secondary infertlity.  I am human and my desires and pains are real.

Living for God can be the best and easiest when all is going well but turing to God when the times are difficult are the times when we must really die to self to live for Him.  He loves us despite all our wrongs and is ALWAYS there.  He understands. Seek Him and we will find His love and mercy with all His graces.

Through the Sorrow

Last week is done, it is in the past.  The hurt and pain is still lingering.  Miscarrying is devastating.

It hasn't been an easy journey.  Last week I just really struggled to the point my husband was concerned and thought it best to make an appt with the NaPro dr.  I saw her that Friday.  She was wonderful.  She gave me a prescription for xanax for anxiety and to let her know that if I don't feel more like myself or just not getting better to let her know I may need an antidepressant.  She also referred me to a counselor she recommends to all her NFP couples that are struggling to conceive and/or have miscarried.  She also suggested maybe I could find a novena to pray and then also proceeded to hand me a card of her favorite saint.  She even had the card in the room with a prayer on the back.  St. Gianna pray for me.  She didn't make me feel like I am crazy but that I am going through the grieving process and this is NORMAL.   Her nurse is also wonderful.  She told me that if I needed to talk to give her a call and she will just listen.  That is what we all could learn to do more is LISTEN not speak.

With a new week and the kids after school activities and practices, it has been keeping me busy.  I have also been trying to walk every other day just to get outside and free my mind and body and soul because I could just sit inside and dwell on the why did this have to happen but God has a plan and I don't understand which I may not get to understand in this earthly life.  I have also been making homemade soap to stock my etsy shop and to get ready for a craft fair.  I forget how much I enjoy knitting and have began to work on hand puppets to take to the fair and post on my etsy page.

I am a person that enjoys music.  I have found some powerful christian music to feel my ears and to just sing along to.

All this I do to help mend the raw wound.  Do I still cry?  Yes.  Nights are my toughest.  Despite all I can and could do, I still have the fact that at the end of the day, everything is in God's hands and that what I want may not be what He wants for me.  And that is hard at night to just let that go and give my everything to Him.  I am angry and hurt but I know He loves me and always will.  He doesn't hurt me.  He only loves me.  He wants to give me all of Him.  He walks through this pain and cries through this with me.  I am His child.  I am His.  Through all of this, I must be open to receive Him even through the sorrows.  I can overcome this.  Blest be His Holy Name.

My Heart Breaks Again

A negative pregnancy test.  A bold control line, the only line line that stares back to the eyes looking and the hope and desire and want to see two lines is such a huge disappointment.  I didn't lose hope.  I kept strong and retested but didn't have the courage to look so instead put it into the box and waited for Dusty to return home from his run but by then it was beyond the time frame to read.  So I bought another dollar tree test but once again just didn't have it in me to look and  brought it to Dusty to read.  He did.  He said negative.

My heart just felt saddened.  How can this be so hard to have a baby.  It hasn't been an issue in the past.   So by Tuesday he slid the test to me on the counter and I looked.  Two lines!  He didn't tell me the truth which I was upset over.  But two lines!  I was just overcome with joy.  I have been wanting this.  I finally get that good news,  I just felt like all was right in the world for that moment.

But by Saturday something felt off and by Sunday I began to bleed and Monday it was confirmed by blood work that my HCG level was a 5 indicting my body was miscarrying.  Why!!!????

I just felt angry with God.  I wanted this so much and just like that it was taken away from me.  Nothing that is said to me helps me.  It isn't ok.  It will be ok eventually but right now every cramp I feel, every time I change my pad or feel blood pass is the raw reminder of what I wanted so bad and now it is gone just like that.

The wait to try again is hard.  The wait for fertile mucous, the wait to test to see if it happened is so much to not want to keep going through.  It is so hard living in God's time.  It is so hard to see what His bigger and better is plan for me.  I don't understand.  And I want something to understand.  I wanted this and it is gone just like that.

Living in the moment when all is raw is so hard.  I am angry with God. I don't understand.  I don't want to hurt.  I feel so alone in this human world.  I feel so unhappy and the lack of desire to keep wanting to go on.  It hurts with the constant reminder that it was all taken away from me again.  It hurts.  The pain is so real.  It breaks me.

And all I can do is ask for prayers.  I want to feel happy.  I want that joy.  But right now it is sorrow and it hurts deeply.

Should be but Not

I went on ahead and have fully weaned Theodore.  It has helped immensely since the older kids don't have school and have really enjoyed having him sleep with them.  He actually does amazing with them.  He wakes up maybe once.  He also wakes up in a good mood.  

Theodore has also taken up toilet bowl fishing and expanding his art skills to the wall, furniture, and himself.  Because coloring on paper is just so limiting to the toddler creative skills.  And why play in tub water when you have access to the toilet water all the time.  A toddlers exploration days of fun.  

We also have Arianna's surgery date officially confirmed for Friday November 20th in Boston.  

School enrollment is fast underway.  School supplies are almost done.

The only thing lacking is my happiness.  I am just unhappy.  I keep telling myself to keep busy, to craft, to get out and walk.  But the heaviness in my mood is very down and weighs heavily upon me.  Not being able to get pregnant has really taken me on a downward spiral fast.  It is emotionally draining on me when my period starts again.  I try to be positive and tell myself, "another cycle that could possibly be the one to end with a Big Fat Positive".  But this cycle that positivity just hasn't worked. Maybe it is the hormonal shift since I have weaned.  I don't know for sure.  It is also hard to hear twice now that my cycles look good.  My NFP instructor even scored my cycle and it fell within normal.  Just so hard for me to have this out of my hands.  It is also hard on me because I can't just freely open about this personal struggle because so many people would just criticize me for wanting more and proceed to tell me I am not happy for the kids I have or I wouldn't feel this way.  Or people will offer me words that right now I just don't want to hear.  I don't need advice or told what I should be doing.  Believe me my mind already tells me what I should be doing but the heaviness of my unhappiness weighs more on me then the desire or want to actually keep busy.  This cycle has been the hardest for me.

More Frustrations

Yesterday was our introductory class to the Creighton model.  It was HOT because the air conditioner was broken.  So yes a 97 some degree and the air broken was just not a great time.  To make it that much more undesirable the guy my husband sat next too smelled heavily of liquor/alcohol and kept burping.  My husband by the end was NOT thrilled or happy to say the least.

Things surfaced for both of us in such a brief moment.  I could understand my husband's unhappiness.  He worked a long day delivering the mail in the heat and then went with me to sit in a class with the air broken.  He felt that this class was the same was the Family of Americas that we had taken back in 2012.  I have had these exact feelings cross my mind multiple times.  He told me it felt like a money scam.  How many ways can we observe the cervical mucus and give it a different name.  This of course made me feel bad because this class was $33.  Then 8 followup visits are $30 each.  I am to schedule an appointment with the NaPro dr after two cycles and go from there.  All I see is this could get costly.

It just really sucks.  Yes I said it---sucks.  I don't understand.  I go from one cycle being 35 days to the next cycle being 22 days.  It is stressful on our marriage.  I either find myself crying or just not wanting to try or just wanting to give up, then to feeling angry with those who want to tell me they understand.  I am just at emotional imbalance with this process.  It isn't fun.  It is hard to keep my focus on how this will only make us a stronger couple.  How this can only draw me closer to God.  Because right now I see tears---tears of pain and hurt and sadness. I don't understand the why.  I don't understand myself with any of this.  I just know that I am not alone.  I am never alone.

GREAT things must never be rushed for God knows no time.  

Guidance through our darkness

I saw a NaPro dr this week.  She was helpful but I have to go back in two months.  She uses the creighton model for cycle charting.  We took the Family of Americas NFP class.

That was disheartening.  I know it will be good in the long run.  But in the moment you can't help but feel sad as I just want answers now to the why.  Impatient is what I feel I am.

I went on ahead and scheduled our initial class for June 22.  And then followups to make sure I am grasping the charting.

Along this I also get to track my moods and what I eat.

I guess I just feel confused.

On a different note, my youngest sister found out she doesn't qualify for a PAO.  The dr she saw felt she wasn't a candidate for the surgery as her hips were too far gone to make it worth it.  So now she is looking at trying to hold off or just schedule a hip replacement.  As I wasn't faced with making that choice, I am trying to help her out.  I feel like she is doing things that don't make sense to me.

She went on ahead and scheduled her hip replacements with the dr she saw in St Loiuse.  I don't understand as there are local surgeons that are fully capable of doing hip replacements.  I know she wants to meet her deductible by doing both hips in the same year.  I also feel she should send her X-rays off to other top notch drs and get their opinions on her hip issue.  And also to schedule with a local ortho dr as he would be the one to followup with and can also help guide her on their thoughts about a hip replacement.

But I am not her.  I just know what I went through and just wasn't easy.  I want to help her ease the stress she must be feeling.  And also that she isn't alone through this.  I don't want her to make such haste decisions right now as much as she wants too because her pain is there more and possibly on a daily basis.  I just want her to take one step at a time and I don't want to see her hurt.

Maybe all I can do is pray for her guidance for now.  Just like I need to pray for my own guidance.

He will give if it is in His will for us.

He won't give if doesn't fit in His will for us.

He will wait to give as He has a better plan for us. 

And all this can be hard when we want now.  

Infertility

This month is coming to a close.

It has been such a rollercoaster for me personally.  As my yearly female check approached, I was apprehensive about bringing up the possibility of infertility.  Ok, wait what infertility?!?!  How could I want more kids.  Isn't seven enough?!  Am I out of my mind?!  Yes why I felt the apprehension and stress and anger about my upcoming appointment as to whether I should even bother.  I mean the thought of "what if he laughs or just tells me to give it time or there is nothing we can do.  And that I am just a whack-o who has enough kids already."

Now I had talked a little bit with a friend about how I just wasn't getting pregnant and on paper my cycles look amazing so why wasn't it happening?  She suggested seeing a NaPro dr but I decided to wait and just see what my OBGYN dr would say.  I just thought maybe since I haven't dealt with this he may be more apt to give me advice and being able to look at my history.  But like I said I felt stupid with my charts that look textbook.  As I know I am not textbook though.

So I brought it up.  His nurse told me that I just need to relax and it will happen not to worry everything looked good.  Ugh I know that.  Dr did mention fertility clinic and how I may be the very disliked by the women who go there and can't even have one and I have 7.  He mentioned medicine that can jumpstart the brain into trying to make the ovaries ovulate. He said to just keep having sex for now since it hasn't been a complete year.  I am on my 8th cycle so far.

This is hard on me.  I don't like being asked if I am pregnant if I say I am tired.  I don't like to be questioned for the decisions I make.  And I don't like any of this.  I just don't.  It is hard on me.  It is hard to hear "all in God's time."  Or how NFP is also about being open to God's plan whether it ends in a pregnancy or not.  This is all hard to hear when I feel so raw on the inside.  So who do I take this anger and frustration and hurt on...my husband and God.  Yes it has been a challenge every cycle.  Yes I have sat and argued with God about how unfair he is being.  And then I think that I am being mean and selfish.

Yes I am ready for this month to come to an end and put it all behind me.  I don't want to be told anything.  I want someone to come sit with me and cry or laugh.  That is all.  I don't need guidance.  I don't want guidance right now.  I just need support.  I need encouragement that everything I try to do is good.  Because I feel like such a failure.

A Penciled in Date

We have a penciled in date for Arianna's right hip surgery!

Yes this date may have the possibility of change but we can work with that.  It is just good to have something to plan.  We have already let the school know the plans.  And it will get her through the bands marching season.

As of now that date is November 20th a Friday which also means a preop that Thursday November 19th.  So fly out Wednesday the 18th.

This date will only have her missing a few days and then the following week school is out for the entire week for inservice and Thanksgiving.

We also enrolled Edgar for preschool!  As of now they have him in the morning class with same teacher Paylynn had.  School starts at 815 for him.  So if it all works out then I can drop off my SFA kids, head over to BC and drop off Arianna, and head back toward home to drop Edgar off by 8-805.  We are also planning on him riding the bus home.

So for four days out of the week it will just be Theodore and myself, that is for about 3.5 hours anyways.  I am sure that time will fly but hey my hope is that I can focus on the house and projects that are on this "I will get to some day" list---lol.

This is good news!  Good news that is much appreciated.

Sometimes in life's struggles, that little bit of sunshine that shines through that heavy cloud is enough to keep us going and pushing through the struggles.  

Waiting and Planning

With not much success in trying to plan Arianna's right hip surgery, we finally decided that it will just  be put on hold until after marching band season.  The dates we were given just were difficult to squeeze into the limited time frame we had available.  For instance May 11th wouldn't have worked as a preop wouldn't have been until the previous week and that isn't very cost effective to stay in a hotel or even fly home and back out there again.  May 15th put her hospital stay and return right into finals week so that just wouldn't do either.  She is also doing a word processing class over the summer which starts the first week of June and goes for four weeks.

Next available was June 29th with a preop on June 26th and there again cost of hotel stay just wasn't doable.  Other date was July 31st.  Band camp was that following week and school starting a couple weeks from that and marching band season getting quickly underway.  We asked her how important marching band was to her and as expected it is a huge deal for a high schooler that is in band, that is.  So I wasn't about to pull her our for surgery.  

 

Instead we will just wait until late fall and go from there.  

First Communion

Emma made her First Communion on Saturday April 11. 2015.

She told me how excited she was but nervous too.  It was a beautiful weather too.

We scheduled her pictures at 1130am even though the mass didn't start until 1pm.  But it is nice to have a good seat so I could see her.  After pictures we just went over to church to save our spot.  Brady served at the mass too.  

After the mass, each class took a quick group shot and then I snapped a few off to the side with grandparents, her godmother, and of course us.  We still had to pick up the cake.  She wanted an ice-cream cake from Dairy Queen.

We were short about 5 people, but other plans came up which called them elsewhere.  It made just a nice little get together.

She picked out her dress and she wanted heels.  She was very determined about having heels.  Thank you to Payless we found her heels after two other stops before. Her veil was our gift to her.

Emma Noel
April 11,2015
First Communion

Tick

WARNING: Pictures to follow

Sometimes a week can be full of adventures.  Last week was one of those weeks.

Tuesday morning when I went to fix Paylynn's hair in a french braid, I felt something.  I thought maybe dried shampoo or a scab.  I searched the spot and saw what at first glance was maybe a scab but when I looked closer I noticed there were legs and then quickly knew it was a tick burrowed in her scalp.  I literally went into worse case scenario thoughts of "oh my gosh my child has lyme disease" and panic mode set in.  I don't do bugs or insects or spiders or snakes.  Nope I just get heeby jeebies and freak out.  Yes I am that person you wold see swatting at the air and it could just be a strand of hair on my arm.

Now I have had to look our older son over when he would return home from boy scout camping trips.  And I prayed that I would not encounter one and thankfully never did.  I have heard about ticks but honestly I just don't go in search of them.   Who really does?  And I sure don't think to check my kids over since I don't live in a wooded area.  I do have a ditch behind our yard but really I just don't think much about that as I don't let the kids play back behind our fence.  That was until Tuesday morning.

For some reason, calling my husband at work seemed like the sure thing to do.  Why? Because really what was he going to do?!  He must have gotten on his phone but he walked me through what to do.  Grab the tick by the head and pull upwards then wipe down the spot with alcohol.  Ok I had to get over the fear of grabbing a live bug that was attacked to my daughter's scalp.  So I grabbed and freaked.  I took a breathe and grabbed again and pulled upwards but no luck  that ugly tick was stuck and held on.  I had no idea that they embedded into the skin and were quite hard to remove.  Search on youtube for a video removal of a tick and you will see how the skin actually pulls up as it it being removed.  YUCK!  Anyways I called for Brady, yes I am such a wimp.  By this time I had all the kids in my bathroom all worried about Paylynn. And Paylynn remained calm.  I asked Brady what he knew about ticks from scouts.  He actually knew quite a bit so I gave him the tweezers and told him what he needed to do.  He took the tweezers and I held the bowl.  He was my hero!   Plus maybe the offering of $ was a bit more enticement to get that nasty tick out of her scalp.  But it came out.  I quickly examined Paylynn's scalp and noticed nothing left behind and wiped the area with an alcohol swab.

Once removed I put it in a baggie and then a jar with a lid.  After I took the kids to school, I did end up calling the doctor office to see if I needed to be doing anything else. The nurse said watch the area and if she comes down with flu like symptoms then to bring her in.  I also searched the other kids scalp and backs but told them to look their bodies over really good after school.  I will admit that the rest of the day I just like had bugs on me.  I did wash sheets the next day.  Overload...probably but hey if it puts my mind ease then so be it.

Clothes and Planning

Everyday has a little crazy but somedays just a bit more.   The other day the little girls closet rod fell down.  It was a good thing as I have been putting off sorting through their clothes.  Sorting clothes is a task I am very well behind and honestly just don't like to do.  I don't know what to keep or hold on to.  It is easy if they are worn or torn but when they are in good condition I apparently seem to have some kind of memory attachment.  I do try to pass down to the next child but grandparents do buy them new clothes for birthdays or Christmas or just because.  It isn't a bad thing.   It just can overwhelm the senses and the little kids when they have too much of a good thing and then don't know what to wear.  

 It has forced me to face what I dread and put off.  I did get the spring/summer clothes that fit put up and then pulled out the fall/winter or anything to small out.  I currently have that in a pile to sort through and try to downsize.  It might be easier to just let the girls make the decision on what they like/love.  A good thing to work on while they have a few extra days off.  

I also called and emailed about scheduling a screw removal and planning Arianna's right hip surgery.  It is a little tricky planning Arianna's.  I was able to get a couple dates to start with.  Monday May 11 or Friday May 15th.  The issue with Arianna is finals are May 20 and 21st.  Summer school for her word processing class that she needs for credit starts beginning of June and goes for four weeks.   I don't want to schedule to late into the summer either so she isn't going back to school on crutches.    But before going into freak out or any kind of crazy mode Dustin emailed the school counselor to inform them what we were looking at.  Her response was very positive.  They can only miss a total of 10 days/semester and anything there after is more paper work and involving the doctor to get a better plan of action.  She even stated we could work with her finals.  All very uplifting news.  

Dr Millis even called but I was on my way from picking up the school kids and missed his call.  He also wrote an email.  We did reply about how our hips are doing.  And he wrote back stating that he would get the surgical papers around so we could get some dates figured out!  This is exciting.  

Lots of possibilities!  It is all going to work as it is intended too.  

Trust with a child like heart that where we are at is where we are meant to be.  Live in the moment not the past or future.  

New Spring Clothes

With where I am at in my life currently, clothes shopping can be a challenge.  I am not really a jeans lover and never have been.  They just feel really heavy on and just don't seem to ever fit me right.  So I just stick to pants with elastic waist bands.  I was hesitant to buy a pair of yoga capris as I just felt like I would feel self conscience in them.  But I finally decided to just go for it when my husband won a gift card on black Friday.  And all I can say is they really are amazing.  They give and yet define and I am not talking about the rear but I feel like since I am petite that they don't swallow me up.

But then came the issue with finding tops.  I am still breastfeeding the youngest one.  Yes for some 15 months may be too much.  Each to their own.  So instead of negative thoughts I really encourage something positive because as this is my choice it always wonderful to hear something good.  Anyway a little sidetracked there but back on subject.  There are some really beautiful tops out there. Problem is I don't like it clung to me or I don't want to fight with my shirt when I am trying to nurse Theodore.  But I also don't want to look frumpy which is what I was beginning to feel like.  I have some tops that are really soft but just don't accentuate my body type currently.  It was beginning to become a chore and all I was in search of was a couple of tops for everyday that made me feel good about myself.  I needed some color in the day to day wardrobe.  

Because I haven't lost the baby weight like I have managed to do with the previous 6 kids.  I am about 20 pounds over.  And again I know to some that isn't huge but again I am not tall so I just feel short and pudgy.  It finally came to me that what I was looking for was all wrong.  I was needing buttons and a lightweight material in the form of a high/low style.  So I ventured into Marshall's about a month ago.  I saw a button down top with colorful little flower print and thought I would give it a go.  I absolutely loved it!  The colors are bright and cheerful.  The buttons make it easy to nurse in.  It is a high low top so I like it with my yoga capris.  It just makes me feel good!

I decided last week to go back and see if I could find anything else.  And I came across 3 more different colors of button down, lightweight high low tops.  Just loving them all!  They are modest and yet what I need that fits where I am at currently.

The first picture is me in the peachy orange.  I really loved the lace.  And the buttons are flowers.  Just felt like me.  I wasn't sure about the blue and pale blush colored on with my skin and hair color but I paired it with a necklace and once again really liked it.

What's Been Going On...

What a long overextended blogging break I have had.  And I apologize for that.

I will do my best to update about my hips and other joint issues.  Back in October 2014 I made an appointment with a rheumatologist to try and get some answers on the different joint issues I have been experiencing.  My knees aren't really anything new.  They have given me issues since childhood with "locking up".  Fast forward to now.  My knees do act out together and separate.  Once again like my hips nothing really explains the why to the cause and it makes me feel a bit nutty when explaining that my knee issues are random occurrences.  My right knee is the bigger problem maker.  Upon waking some mornings my right knee will "lockup up" or "give out" and send shooting pains.  I have had it checked out about three years ago by my local orthopedic doctor with not really any clear answer to the cause or reason so not much help.  But I did do some physical therapy then.  As it did help strengthen the surrounding muscles I still would have issues not caused by anything of my doing so to speak.  But this wasn't the reason I called the rheumatologist.

The appointment was made because my right ankle began giving me issues of not feeling like it wanted to support me and hurt.  I even began wearing an ankle brace at times.  With my appointment the doctor didn't think any of the joint issues were related.  Not sure I agree completely.  Because then later my right shoulder began to act out and give me issues.  And with my joint issues I can't seem to explain what makes it worse or better.  It is like a flare up.  I don't have to do anything.  I was screened for rheumatoid arthritis, lupus and inflammation.  Rheumatoid factor came back at a high normal, lupus negative, and inflammation on the low end of normal.  Ankle X-ray didn't show anything.  I was disappointed but not surprised because I went through this with my hip.  The doctor did let me know that if any other joint issues arose to call her back and she wanted to see me back in 6 months to see how I was doing.  I think with some persistence, I will eventually get to some answers.

Not too long after that appointment my right shoulder began to act out.  I had trouble sleeping due to discomfort and pain from the joint.  I didn't do anything about that.  I just hoped that it would settle down which it did.  But I just wanted someone to pull my arm and make it go away.

In November I did my first craft fair.  I was excited and nervous all at the same time.  It was good to get my name and what I craft out there for other people to see.  At that time I also decided to reopen my etsy shop and start a Facebook page so if someone saw something they liked they could have a place to check back later and have the option to like my page and keep up to date.  I was satisfied with how I did for that day.   I enjoy crafting.  I will be honest I thought it would be easier.  Even with just two at home and the other 5 in school I have had a hard time balancing the house work, the youngest two still at home, and crafting.
www.etsy.com/dotsnstripesbykatie
facebook: Dots N Stripes by Katie

We did receive an email about getting my screws removed as the longer they stay in the harder they do become to remove.  For Arianna we are looking at the minimum of 3 more surgeries for her.  That is surgery to correct the right hip, a revision on her left, and of course screw removal.  I have had the idea that maybe I would use my craft ability and soap making to help raise some extra money to help with expenses.

With spring shortly around the corner and the recent time change, I will admit that I am a bit giddy for this!  The warmer weather is definitely more favorable.

Live in the moment not the past or present for we may miss that moment for something great to transform or inspire us through His great graces He wants to give us.