A Mother's Love

Yesterday Dusty and I attended a mass for those who mourn the loss of their baby through a miscarriage, stillbirth, or early infancy.

The deep sorrow I feel is usually too much for me to bear right now.  At the mass the words spoken were words to comfort me.  To lose a baby you will never know but yet knows everything about you is hard for me as a mother.  I know my baby was held in the arms of God as He welcomed our baby back to Him.  But one day Dusty and I will hold our baby too. 

It isn't easy.  This just really breaks my heart.  I was given a white rose yesterday to have for my baby.  As I don't have anything but the hurt and pain I feel as my sorrows are just so great.  So the white rose will be with us as a reminder of the baby we mourn and yet love so much even though we never met. 

Being a mother to the children God has given to us already is very difficult.  That is why we are family.  We are there to comfort and care for one another especially in times when one is hurt.  My Edgar will sit with me to just want a cuddle or Paylynn will just want to cuddle along with us and give me kisses.  Emma shares her big warm heart.  Some days when the hurt is so great and all I can do is cry, it is hard to accept their love for me.  My kids do what they can to help their mommy feel better.  I take my anger, from the hurt and pain, out on Dusty.  I know he suffers as he watches me in my deep sorrows and mourns the loss of the child he never met.  He has been ever so great to me.  I am deeply troubled and to express my hurt in the way of hurtful words towards Dusty just isn't right.  My older kids have helped with the house and not fight as they know better as I hurt greatly.  Yes I do have to ask for the help from them but that is ok.  A family is a bond God has created for us to grow in deep love in all our needs of joy and sadness. 

 A mother's heart is full of such great love and through the sorrows we experience that love is what will carry us through the challenges that lie ahead.

 I imagine, as Mary watched her only Son die for us, her pain was real and ever so great.  Her love is ever so gentle and consoling to me as I work through the pain of losing the baby we will never know during this lifetime here on earth.  We love you Michael Sophia. 

Then He took the children

in His arms, placed His

hands on each of them, 

and blessed them.

Mk 10:16 

Simplicity of Life

Some days are much easier then others. 

Christmas holiday cheer was sadly not at the top of my list this year.  I found that being around others just really increased my anxiety so it was much easier to just stay hidden indoors in the comfort of my own home.  It just brought on the anger greatly which is caused by the great hurt I feel. 

For me it is much more then losing our angel baby.  It goes back to last year when my heart was shattered.  I wasn't even sure my marriage was going to last at one point.  It is a devastating effect when we lose sight of God.  We push Him to the back burner in our life.  We begin to question and have great doubt that we don't know where we are at or what we need when it is quite simple It is God who we seek.  He is the one who brought me comfort when I realized this.  It wasn't any easy journey this year.  But when I found out we were expecting it was just the ending what I thought I needed but as God saw it wasn't quite the plan I had.  His plan was a bit different. 

It hurts me deeply as I think back on this past year of 2012 and all I have been through to get to where I am right now.  I began to really want to try for another baby but Dusty wasn't ready as he was worried about finances and my counselor told me that conceiving a baby should be wanted by both.  So I signed us up for NFP.  As much as I enjoyed the classes, I just had  this greater yearning for another baby.  Not to replace our youngest but to listen to what God wants of me.  It isn't easy being a mother or living on a budget but it sure can humble the heart and the simplicity it brings is what brings me peace. 

We can want and desire our ways but the greater happiness we seek can only come from God.  It isn't always easy to understand how something is going to turn out but to have the faith that God will take care of us is huge.  As this sometimes means we give up our comforts of what we want only to have a much greater ending of peacefulness.  I never again want to find myself in that darkness that I was last year.  Yes some say it was because I underwent too much with giving birth and then having two surgeries.  But I know that sometimes we must fall hard and to ask for help getting back up.  For me it was asking the good Lord above for His forgiveness and help as I was the lost sheep who wasn't sure what He wanted from me. 

My hurt is real.  I don't need to be compared to what someone else has been through.  I need that hug instead.  I need that word of caring sympathy.  I need that hand that reaches out to comfort me.  I need that extra prayer.  I need to be held.  Something that my mother in law has done greatly for me. She was there when I passed the baby.  She held my hand.  She was the one to comfort me as I felt so scared. 

Yes on Tuesday December 11, 2012 I awoke with an usual headache.  It started from neck and pulsated up to my left eye.  Just an odd but powerful headache.  I was cramping but not as bad as I had been.  I just felt at my worst.   My mother in law came over to take the older 4 to school.  As she was only 3 weeks out from surgery herself she still came to help me.  My headache caused me to get sick three times that morning.  I finally gave in and took an over the counter migraine pill.  It worked for about an hour.  But that hour was much appreciated.  My mom was still staying with us and she got up to hold Paylynn as she was running a fever but I couldn't be the mother to her as I could barely focus on getting off the couch.  But suddenly around noon, as I was talking with my mother in law about getting Dusty's FMLA papers together, I felt I had to poop.  So I excused myself to the bathroom but I didn't have to instead it was the urge to push and at that point I knew and tried to catch what I knew was my baby.  Even though it didn't look like a baby, the deeper part of me knew.  I had finally let go.  And it scared me.  I called for my mom but my mother in law came to me.  And there I was on the toilet holding the dense tissue.  I began bleeding very heavily and that scared me as it kept coming out but it was holding the tissue in my blood covered hand that made me face something greater.  I knew it was my baby.  Beyond the fear I was experiencing I felt something much deeper---that I was finally able to let go.  My mother in law called my doctor office and I called Dusty.  He came home but by that time his mother had settled me down and we just waited for the return call of the nurse.  Once the nurse called me back, she reassured me the bleeding was normal and I could bring the tissue I passed into the office where they could run a diagnostic test.  But I couldn't let go.  I wanted to bury my baby.  I wanted to name my baby.  Later that night the kids came up with the name Michael Sophia Saville.  Our angel baby has a name.  I felt relieved as I knew I had let go.  I felt a greater feeling of knowing that my angel baby was in a much greater place.  I knew I had let go.  My hcg level went from 8900 to 96 in 10 days time.  That was a huge drop.  I still need to go in for another blood draw as my levels need to be less than 5.

As to the plan God has for me, I may never the reason for this loss.  Maybe it is to have Dusty and I connect on a deeper and greater meaning of our marriage with each other and with God.  Maybe it is for Dusty to know that with all things, God gives and takes, and He provides with all we will ever need.  Whatever the reason it isn't easy and that is ok, I won't lose my faith.  I won't blame God.  I trust Him as His plan is far much better then the I one decide for myself. 

Yes I still have my days of anger, hurt, pain, and sadness.  And that is ok as I turn to God for comfort.  As I stayed in my home this holiday season, I also felt great comfort.  It was so nice to spend Christmas with my kids.  I fixed them hot chocolate with whipped topping and a dash of cinnamon and a peppermint candy cane to stir up all that yumminess.  This was the one and only request of my oldest son, Brady.  It was nice to drive around and look at Christmas lights.  As I chose to stay in my home, it was what I needed.  It was a wonderful Christmas, singing Happy Birthday to Jesus and enjoying the simple celebration with hot chocolate and lights. 

Some Songs

Broken

God made a Sweet Child.

A child who never grew old.

He made a smile of sunshine.

He molded a heart of pure gold.

He made that child as close to an angel

as anyone ever could be.

God made a Sweet Child.

And He gave that dear child to me.

Then God saw His wonderful creation growing very tired and weak

so He wrapped the child in His loving arms

and said,"You, my child, I keep."

But now my Sweet Child is an angel.

Free from hurt and pain.

I'll love you forever, until we meet again.

So many time I have missed you.

So many times I have cried.

If all my love could have saved you

Sweet Child you never would have died.

Author Unknown

My heart is just broken.  I love being a mother.  This has torn me to pieces, leaving me in tears and anger.  I am not angry with God.  He gives and He takes but blessed be His name. 

I want to name the baby, even though I don't know boy or girl, I want to name this precious baby of mine who I won't get to meet until I pass from this life.  I think having the kids to help name this baby would help me heal---one boy name and one girl name is what this baby will have. 

It is just so hard to let go when I want so much to hold on.  It just breaks me to write this. 

Going in once a week to have my hcg level drawn is very difficult for me.  I keep myself together during the draw but once in the car, the tears and anger hit.  I know my levels must drop but it is hard knowing why they must keep dropping.  I need to let go.  They have gone from 28000 to 8900 in two and half weeks.  It is getting to <5 .="." all.="all." at="at" easy="easy" isn="isn" it="it" nbsp="nbsp" t="t">

Letting go doesn't mean I will forget, just letting go to find that peace and happiness for my baby and me. 

Angel Baby

On Monday November 12, 2012 my mom had right knee replacement surgery.  She remained in the hospital for 3 days and was transferred to the rehab hospital where she stayed until she was discharged on Wednesday November 21.  I opened my home up to her especially since I have everything---bathroom, shower, kitchen, living room all on one level.  Where as her home is a tri-level---bath with no shower and rooms upstairs, living room and kitchen middle level, and shower downstairs.  I knew it would be enough accomplishing my house at first. 

It has been nice being able to care for my mom.  It is hard to watch on the days she hurts more and there really isn't anything else but to let the healing process take its place. 

Also this Thursday November 29 my mother in law is having surgery for uterine cancer.  Dusty will be caring for his mom tomorrow, as it is a one day surgery and then dismissed home as long she pees.  Then on Friday after Arianna gets out of school she will stay with Grandma Beverly through the weekend to help her, as she has no one else. 

But to add to this, on Sunday I began to have vaginal bleeding.  We hadn't told anyone that were expecting.  From the start I just felt something wasn't right.  So on Sunday afternoon, we went in to the ER where a vaginal sono was done.  ER doctor told me I was growning a gestational sac measuring 14 weeks but no baby.  He told me if the bleeding increased or the cramping worsened I was to call my OB. Later Sunday night, my bleeding increased greatly and cramping worsened.  I called the ob office and the operator told me the on call nurse would call me back.  An hour later still no phone call.  I called back.  10 minutes later the operator called to make sure nurse had called but still no call.  Finally 10 minutes later she called but told me that my bleeding was normal and to call the ob Monday morning.  It didn't feel normal but I was tired and wanted to sleep. 

Monday morning came, Dusty went to work.  I thought I felt good until I got out of bed and began to throw up.  I managed to get the kids ready for school but on the way home the cramping was increasing.  I just  began feeling worse.  So I got home and before calling the office got sick again.  I laid down on the couch for an hour then called.  The receptionists said they had an opening that day but would have the nurse call back.  She called back and asked if I had my ER reports.  I said no just the informative discharge sheet.  She said I needed to get those before they could see me.  This just upset me after I hung up the phone.  By this time I was feeling terrible emotionally and physically.  It was a process trying to track down how to get the ER report papers.  My mom was very mad over this because I was in tears and hurting and trying to find out how to get the ER papers.  Finally I called back the nurse and told her I felt terrible.  She said it was normal.  I didn't feel normal, even if this was a miscarriage.  I felt terrible.  So she scheduled me for Tuesday at 11.

Tuesday I get up to shower and by now I am feeling like I am in labor so to speak.  I was bleeding heavily and cramping immensely with a bad backache.  Dusty took off so he took me out to the hospital to get my ER papers and then we went to my appt.  Where they already had the papers.  I didn't care at this point I just felt awful.  The doctor came in and talked to me about miscarriages.  Then he examined me and found my cervix was dialating and what looked like the placenta trying to pass.  He used a long pair of tong like thing to ease it out.  And oh my goodness that relief that I felt after that.  Now he cleaned up the "area" too but I was tender and sore so this hurt.  He explained to me that if the bleeding hasn't stopped or the cramping continues I am to call back by the end of the week. But for now he wants to let nature take its course before doing a D&C.  I am to followup in one week for lab work to make sure my HCG levels are dropping. 

This just really hurts.  The emotions are everywhere right now. And with so much going on it usually hits me at night or in the shower when I am alone.  I have never experienced this before, this is all new to me. It crushes my heart but I know I have an angel baby waiting for me in heaven. 

What a Year

Last year was a year recovering for me.  Childbirth recovery, LPAO, RPAO, Left screw removal.  Even though it was a hell of year, I wouldn't change it.  I have grown closer to God through this whole process.

With both my surgeries I had a bed sore on my tailbone region making it very hard to find a comfortable spot to lie down or sit.  The first bed sore with my LPAO wasn't as bad.  It healed up in about two weeks.  With my RPAO, that bed sore was painful and big.  I slathered all sorts of ointments on my rear to help with relief.  Thing is I was too embarassed to ask for medical advice.  I honestly was afraid that somehow it would be my fault when I all could do was lay on my back slightly turned or sit.  Standing for long lengths was exhausting and out of the question.  Those first weeks are kind of spent sleeping and taking it easy.  But after about a good 3.5-4 weeks it finally scabbed over and relief was found. 

Over the summer I was so thrilled to wear flip flops without having pain.  I like to wear my cowboy boots and don't have trouble.  I haven't ventured to wearing high heels and don't know if that will happen.  But wearing sandals is huge since previously it would cause the instability to greatly increase along with pain that I didn't know how long it would last for.  It was a good summer.

I still get upset when I feel like my surgery and recovery is made to sound easier compared to something in someone else's life that they are facing.  Yes once again, this wasn't the end of the world, there are worse things out there, etc, etc, etc.  But I am the one that went through this surgery and recovery.  I am the one that was faced with setbacks and obstacles that I had to face and deal with that many will never know about.  So yes it is upsetting when I am compared and made to feel like this was nothing compared to what someone else must face.  To each their own but unless you walk in that person's shoes, comparing and undermining is a big no no.  At least one person is bound to get hurt if not both from comparing.  Instead reaching out with support is by far much better.

As for my oldest daughter, no plans have been made as to when we will plan for Right hip surgery.  She doesn't sleep on her left side, even though I tell her it is okay.  I am not sure if it grosses her out or what.  But whatever her reasoning I do reassure her that it is ok.  Lesson learned on part, I will be pushing for PT early on for her.

Overall I am so thankful that I had the surgeries when I did. Yes it was a year of physical and emotional turmoil that in the end has made a stronger human being with such a greater and deeper love for God. 

I don't need much as each day is a blessing to me, knowing what I can accomplish with a little determination. And knowing that it is okay to cry or laugh because those tears and laughter are what makes me---me.

Pains and Discomforts

As I do feel good must days.  I still find I am having different issues to cope with. 

My left hips doesn't do well from inactivity at all.  I do have the stiffiness but I am noticing pain and limping especially in the morning and in the evening.  I find if I tip toe on my right it makes walking easier until my left hip settles down.  As much as I love to bring my legs close to me, I find that the stiffiness is bad.  I am limited to one sex position---side lying. I can't spread my legs apart without experiencing pain and feeling like my pelvis is going to break into two.  And if any pressure is applied, oh my goodness that hurts drastically.  At times it does sadden me because I do miss being kissed during that special time or just sharing me.  I have managed to get the nerve pain undercontrol on my own with magnesium.  It took about a month before I noticed any improvement. 

My left hip isn't the only joint.  My knees will lockup on me sending sharp sudden shooting pains.  I did have an MRI over the summer only to find out that my knees are like my hips.  Thankfully I still have cartilage.  I did do 4 weeks of PT for my hips and knees.  Not much else I felt could be done except once again just learn to cope with it as it happens. 

My lower back is giving me problems.  I wake up during the night only to toss and turn because it hurts.  I am finding it harder to bend over without pain and stiffiness. And to get up from a sitting position I can't quite straighten up at first.  And then I do notice discomfort in my hands and shoulders at times but this isn't bad at all. 

I am not sure the cause of most of my pains and discomforts.  A big part of me wants to pursue answers but I don't honestly know where to begin and with who at this point.

Right Hip Memories

Left Hip Scar

Right Hip Scar





Day 2 or 3



The Best Roomie ever, My Daughter!



Before





Right Hip Screws

Right Hip Incision with Steri-strips

Loving PT

3 weeks into physical therapy.  I currently go three times a week.  I really enjoy going.  And I work everyday at the exercises I am given.  I am slowly noticing improvements.  I don't feel so tight and sore all the time.  Still much work is needed.  But so far I am finding it was a very good decision. 

I am also walking 2-3 times a week for about 25-30 minutes each time.  It is very uplifting.  Because right now I have enough that I am trying to work for.  It may not be understood by many why going for a walk is a huge deal.  Or why PT is so important.  It is just so simple to me, that now I can enjoy walking.  I am learning to trust my hips.  It is scary when they would give out.  Or the pain would be so bad that I didn't even want to walk.  Or feeling like I was nuts when asked which hip hurts and it could have been the left or the right. 

It is just so much to take in that yes I am to just jump right in and do things.  Experience life like I have desired but had once put off.  I can now do things!  And it just floods me with so many emotions that I don't know whether to smile, cry, laugh, or even be upset.

The smile that I show is for the happiness.  The laugh keeps me going through this journey.  The tears are for the joy and sadness I feel.  Upset is what I feel when I think about what it took to get here. 

Physical Therapy

I went for an evaluation on Tuesday July 17th.  It was just really to get measurements to see where I am at so that a plan can be made to fit me!

But my first session of therapy was Thursday, today July 19th.  I was very ready and excited for this.  I think I talked so much that the therapist must have thought me nuts.  I just was so excited.  I also learned that I am weak.  Yes I can walk but wow what I thought was simple exercises turned out to be a struggle for me.  I really had to concentrate on one especially.  I was to lay on my back and turn my foot out slightly and then raise it.  I had to really focus and even though I wasn't even sure how I was going to accomplish 10 of these.  But I did and then had to repeat on the other side. 

At the end of the session I got to try the recumbent bike.  Immediately I was instructed to focus on keeping my knees aligned with my hips, which for me my knees tend to go inwards when I ride a bike.  I was told this prevents wear and tear.  Very interesting and very good to know!  My left did good but my right really wanted to fall inwards so I had to pay attention.

Much work is ahead but I am ready.

What?!

I am human.  I feel love, joy, hurt, pain, saddness.  And it is okay to experience and express my feelings.  But it is not okay to just bottle them away. 

Yesterday I received a statement from my health insurance.  And I looked at it briefly over and realized I owe $84.oo.  Nothing was covered for my followup nerve pain.  So I read more into it and realized it wasn't covered because the doctor office filed the claim as mental health/substance abuse.  I was under the impression that my followup in June was for my nerve pain and to make sure the medicine prescribed was working.  But apparently it wasn't for that. 

I called my doctor office to see who I could talk to about this.  They gave me the billing number since they no longer deal with that.  I told the lady on the phone what I went in for back in May and that I was only assuming my followup in June was for the left thigh nerve pain.  But I was so wrong.  The diagnosis was for Major Depressive Bipolar Disorder as my treatment in June.  What the hell?!?!  All because I cry when I ask how my surgery went and how I am doing now, I am now mental.  Absolutely angers me that I am not able to express my emotions.  Where my life was going presurgery to what I have been given from the surgery is more then I could ever put into words.  My life is a beautiful piece of work. 

Chicago 2012

Just this past weekend, I was in Chicago with Dusty and our two oldest kids.

Friday was spent driving.  We did stop in KC to shop.  Which was a good thing because I went off and forgot my skirt that I was planning on wearing Saturday.  Brady found a lego and Arianna had her American Girl doll hair fixed and her doll ears pierced. 

Saturday we did sleep in a little bit.  That was nice!  We walked around Navy Pier.  We rode the ferris wheel that lets you see Chicago Downtown.  I was hesitant to ride because I have a fear of heights.  I thought taking pictures would help.  Nope.  I began to feel sick and sweaty as we got higher.  I finally just closed my eyes and grabbed the metal bars.  I told Dusty to tell me when we were headed down.  The higher we got the windier it became.  That didn't help me.  Once I heard the words "we are on way down" was a HUGE relief. 



Ferris Wheel




Arianna and Myself



Dusty and Brady

After that we walked around the Pier.  I wanted my picture taken with the small lighthouse I saw. 

The sun was in my eyes.  I really was happy.

Before we left Brady and Arianna wanted to ride the swings. 

After the Peir, we drove to the beach to see Lake Michigan.  That was fun too.

Later that night we went to see Brad Paisley in concert.  This was lots of fun.  I have decided that most country songs sing about beer and having a good time so perhaps beer is the answer to life.  Ok probably not but why not.

We got back to the hotel after 1:00am.  We wanted to be on the road at 4am to get back for Brady's scout mass but decided that we would still make it if we left at 430am.  With only three stops we didn't make it in time.  I guess we cut it too close and didn't succeed.  Just one of those decisions that we tried to do everything but in the end we couldn't do it all. 

The trip was short but full of fun.  Definitely was exhauted when we got home but it was all worth it just to have FUN!!!



Just Crazy

About a month ago, I saw my PCP about what I thought was possible nerve pain in my left thigh.  He told me that is common with hip surgeries and then asked how the surgeries went.  This question is sensitive to me because the last year I faced difficulties that most would not understand or would just tell me to get over it all ready.  And apparently either did my PCP because he then decided that instead of gabapentin for the nerve pain, I needed lexapro in the am and elavil at night. 

I left that appointment so mad and angry.  Why can't I have emotions without being crazy?  So the next day I made the decision to see a counselor to help me overcome the hurt and anger I was feeling.  I didn't want to "mask" the hurt anymore.  I wanted to punch the damn thing in the face for once.  This has honestly been the best decision for me.  I have an amazing counselor who listens to me and makes me feel like I am normal.  And she tells me feelings and emotions are normal!  She reassures me that for all I have been through that it is okay to feel up and down. 

But then a month later my PCP wanted to see me back.  So I was excited to tell him that I decided to take a different approach.  And yes my nerve pain was acting up about a week and a half before I would start my period.  He then proceeded the check my left hip ROM.  And has he did this I would tell him that my hip wouldn't go any further or that hurt but once again he insisted that it should.  At that moment all I remember is how when I went for a followup check after my right hip surgery, that PT in Boston told me most people want to force the hip because they don't understand what is done with a PAO.  So when they think they are hitting bone they are but find it odd so then try to work past that causing pain for the patient.   And this is what was happening with me.  My PCP also was very insist on wanting me to take lexapro and the elavil.  But yet when I ask if I can have something to take just in case my left hip joint acts up while on our road trip that we were getting ready to take.  I told him I can't take anything like advil because it upsets my stomach.  And tylenol just won't touch the pain.  So he said sure and went to get some samples.  He said that what he was giving me wouldn't cause stomach pain but I was to only take 1 just as needed and it would last for 12 hours.  So I looked at it when I got home and it was naproxen with a coating.  I knew that if my left hip joint acted up that this was NOT going to work.

I left angry but that same day I also had a couseling appointment.  I told her all about what I experienced earlier that day and how it made me feel. That is when she told me it is okay to feel emotion.  It does no good to bottle it away because it does no good and will only come around at another time making it much worse. 

I finally decided to go ahead and make an appointment with Dr. Buhr for my right knee that has been really acting up.  And I will ask about my hip too.  I also emailed Dr. Millis and he told me that nerve pain was not common.  So now I am like hmmmmm.  If I don't get answers from Dr. Buhr I am really considering just making an appointment with Dr. Millis at this point because I am having numbness in my feet that will occur upon waking or when I immediately sit down or stand up.  Also my right arm is feeling numb and weak. 

Words for Thought

First I was dying to finish high school and start college.

And then I was dying to finish college and start working.

And then I was dying to marry and have children.

And then I was dying for my children to grow old enough

So I could get back to my career.

And then I was dying to retire.

And now I am dying...

and suddenly realize I forgot to live.

(Author Unknown)

OR

First I was filled with life as I finished high school and started college.

I learned life lessons as I finished college and began work.

Life led me to marry and have children.

As my children grew in life and began their own journey

I was able to return to my career.

As life continued for me I was able to retire.

Now as I am dying, I recognize the beautiful life

God has blessed me to be able to live.

(Fr. Daryl Befort)

The same poem but yet expressed with two different outlooks.  When I read them both, I was touched just how this was how I felt with my hips and all that surrounded me.  At first my hip pain brought me down.  I began to dread days or waking up for fear I was going to hurt for however long.  Everything around me just was crumbling down.  It was a gradual process though so I wasn't able to see the cause, the pain, the hurt, the resentment,...the downfall my chronic hip pain was really causing until I made that decision to undergo surgery and face what would be ahead of me. 

Yes this last year has been a struggle of hurt and pain but also too there has been light and joy. But mostly I was able to find who I am!  I have a new outlook on my life.  I don't dread the daily activities or question if it is going to cause me debilitating pain where I must tell my children I can't do that today.  Instead I feel so full of love, light, and mostly JOY.  I am still a work in progress but then again aren't we all? 

Before, During, and After

                                                                          Before

                                                                           During (with screws)

                                                                       After (screws removed)

                                                                    All 4 screws 4 inches long to 2 and 1/4th inches long

One Year Memories

Yes I am mumbling something about my bowels and medicine.  This is a couple days out from actually getting out of bed.  But walking for the first time, I couldn't get my brain to connect to get my left leg to move.  But it finally did!

This was the day after surgery.  My hair is a mess, my left arm is puffy, and the gown is too big, but I sure didn't care.

When I awoke I was ace wrapped and attached to a drain with 3 IV's and monitors.  But again I sure didn't care.  I wasn't going anywhere but dream land.

Dr. Millis and Me

Dismissal Day

Left PAO One Year Birthday

One year ago today, I was undergoing my first surgery on my left hip.  I wasn't nervous at this point.  I just didn't know what to expect.  Because when I flew out the day before, I knew that when I flew back home that I would be on my journey to recovery.  And then I would know.  But I didn't know about that in between part.  But I was soon to find out.

Thankfully we aren't given the ability to know the future.  Because for me knowing the journey that I was to face over the next year, I would have said no.  It would have been too much for me to see how I was going to get through all I was to face and get to where I am today.  But God knew.  And He gave us the ability to live and enjoy the present.  What happened yesterday can't be changed.  What happens tomorrow, I don't know.  But today is what is happening and that is where I need to be living. 

Each day may have been a struggle.  I wanted my mother but she was undergoing chemo.  But yet I couldn't be there for her because I was recovering.  I expected and wanted more from family but was hurt when words wounded me.  Or when understanding wasn't there.  I hurt physically and emotionally.  But this was the only way I could learn to find me. 

God has a plan and along the way I lost myself and who I was.  I dwelled on my hurt and wounds. But prayer is powerful.  A daily prayer to God, who is loving, merciful, and forgiving.  He gave me light.  Just as Dr. Millis gave me hope with my hips. 

I am no longer having to tell my children "Mommy hurts today."  I no longer need to rely on strong narcotics to get me through every single day.  But instead find that tylenol will do.  Even better I have not felt that horrible pain that would last any where from a day to weeks on end.  I just now tell myself slow and steady, warm those joints. 

How beautiful is this new life I have been given!  A new outlook of how wonderful the simplicity of life truly is!  Happy One Year to my Left Hip!

Just one year ago was the start of a beautiful new journey in my life.

Truth Hurts

Each recovery is different just like each labor is. Yes I knew what to expect but I didn't plan for the unexpected.

Before surgery I had planned on my mom to help out when Dusty returned to work. But when it came time, I didn't expect it to be just here and there.

I expected the questions of how I was doing but not the constant asking of how many weeks so not that much longer until I should be off crutches.

I expected family to listen but was caught off guard when someone close laughed at my pain and told me to wait until I get old.

I expected I would remember my hospital stay but I don't even remember working with PT or the week. I must have been well drugged!


I expected the same pain level but I didn't think I would ever be asking my local ortho doctor for 4 refills because my muscles HURT! And with the last refill the doctor changed from percocet to tramadol. I have taken tramadol before but this time around I just reacted differently. So once it was gone withdrawals were horrible. Benadryl and calming tea to the rescue there.

I expected the emotional downfalls but not how it would hurt those I love, my husband. I dwelled on what my mom or other family members weren't doing. I let it get to me and in the process I spoke words of hate to the one I share my life with. While I dwelled on the lack of support, I was missing the help I was getting by my parish family. People I didn't even know were setting up meals to be brought in my home every Tuesday and Thursday for as long as I needed. I had a 4 older ladies from my parish call because they knew what a struggle I was having and how hard it was to care for my family that they offered to come over one morning to tidy up. They were the ones who called me to ask me how I was doing. It was a hipchick friend, Marcie, who would text me out of the blue just to check in. It didn't hit me just what I had until right around Christmas when I had an eye awakener.

I could continue on with dwelling in my misery or I could pick myself up and know that it would be hard but instead of relying on and expecting family to be here for me I would need to begin by accepting the truth. So I began to journal my frustrations. But at the end of each day had to search my soul for at least one positive.

In February, Dusty and I attended a Night of Romance. It was wonderful. The music was beautiful. I even wanted some of the songs on my ipod. The few songs brought such a calm to me. And now for Lent, I knew I could give up chocolate or pop. But I knew I needed more. And as simple as praying seems, I wasn't praying. I was neglecting God. I was so wrapped in my sadness and hurt that I forgot to talk to God. So on Tuesday when dinner was brought, the mother asked if I had a Mother Love prayer book. I did! She said how she had an extra one and wanted to give me her extra copy. At that point I knew what I needed to do. I needed to step back and pray. I needed to give up my selfishness. God has a plan for me and I need to learn to give myself to Him and trust Him.

Unhappiness

Lately I have been feeling such unhappiness with life. I am frustrated with myself. I am tired of being asked how much longer I am going to be on crutches. I don't know. I am already going against Doctor orders and hobbling around the house just so I can feel "normal". I think that I should be further along when I am asked how many weeks I am. It makes me just feel unhappy like I am such a burden. Dr. Millis said no PT until he sees a current set of xrays. Of course he could have had the 3rd set if the original appt hadn't been cancelled because Dr.Buhr wasn't hearing anything from Dr. Millis. Well he wasn't responding because it was taking 2-3 weeks for him to even receive the xrays. Now that is put on the clinic. Just frustrated with those around me.

I don't want to hear how young I am or that someone else has it worse then me. Yes both are right. I am young and there are others who have it worse. But I am struggling to just get through each day. Dusty goes to work and comes home tired from walking all day. The laundry doesn't just stop. The kids like to eat so dishes are always in the sink piling up. The floors are a catch all from what doesn't make it into the kids' mouths. Two are still in diapers all day. The little ones need baths. It doesn't stop because mommy hurts or mommy is learning to walk again.

I am trying to get through this but it is hard! I am smiling but so close to tears. I just want to yell at those around me but I don't. Instead I just keep on living each day, knowing that I can do this.

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Just breath and count to 10. Exhale slowly, inhale slowly...repeat. This is really not working for me. I am trying very hard to control my frustrations with the world around me.

Arianna and myself were to have appt last Wednesday with Dr. Buhr in town. But the nurse called to cancel it since they have heard no word from Dr. Millis. So a couple days later I finally sat down to write Dr. Millis an email myself. And he wrote back saying he finally received our Dec. 14th xrays. Why it took so long for the clinic to process the CD and mail it out I will never know. But i could have expressed mailed it myself paying all charges too! Frustrating! We are both still toe touch weight bearing. I asked Dr. Millis if we could add more weight or even start PT. But he said only 1/3rd weight bearing for now. No PT. He also said he dictated in his notes to Dr. Buhr that he would prefer the CD's be sent priority at least so he receives them in a decent amount of time.

I will admit that I have begun to hobble around without my crutches. Help is minimal. Dusty works late. So I feel like I really don't have a choice. Laundry builds up fast, dishes run out quickly, and the toys are all over the house. So I do what I can. It may be little but little is better then nothing.

I have been having an increase in energy. I am knitting my family fingerless gloves. Each glove takes about a days time but could be faster if I worked without stopping.