8 Years

Married for 8 years today.  Every year comes with its challenges but along with those challenges come accomplishments and growth. 

Tears were shed this year as we miscarried in Dec. but at the end of March found out we were expecting.  And with that came worry but with that worry I knew that I had to trust that all would be in His plan for me, for us. 

On the day we married, the church was under construction.  So when I look back on our pictures, I see scaffolding and plastic wrap, but it is also a reminder that marriage is work, that we are all under the construction of God's plan He has for us and we must work together to make it work.  Now one day I would like to renew our vows and have some new pictures without construction in the background.

Love is patient, love is kind...

Dustin and Katie

July 16, 2005 

Expecting and Kids

We are expecting!  I felt excited but yet scared too when the test came back positive on Holy Thursday.  But I knew I had to trust in our Lord. 

Baby is due in December.  And yes I do have morning sickness.  But this time I am so thankful that I am sick.  It isn't easy though.  I am also really tired. So right now I just listen to my body and know when I have to lay down.  Most importantly I try to take the time to thank God for all He has given to me. 

The four school kids are busy with the final days of school approaching.  Hannah has her 9th birthday on 5/17.  She was my biggest baby, weighing in at 8lbs. 10.5oz.  Brady is busy with Boy Scouts and baseball practice that Dusty coaches.  He is also busy at socializing with his friends which has consequences in school. 

Emma starts the day at St. Francis for religion but then hops on a bus for Kensler Elementary.  She was showing signs of needing extra one on one help.  So in April we had an IEP meeting.  We decided that it would be best to start her now, even though there was only 6 weeks of school left.  But to me better to get help now then wait.  What an improvement I see in her reading/language.

Being a mother has its many challenges and struggles but it is the hugs and I love you's that make my heart melt. 

Today I praise and thank the Lord above for all He has given to me.

What will be, will be.

"What will be, will be."

I think this will be my new motto for myself.  I can't change but only myself.  And I can only change myself for what God's desires of me.  If I stray from that, I know as in the moment it may have felt right but then later the guilt and doubt begins to set in.  And then anger as maybe that choice wasn't right and the problems it caused.  And then I think now if only I hadn't.

But we are all human.  We are expected to fail.  And yes I forgive those that have hurt me.  And yes I have trouble letting go of the hurt but maybe it isn't so much I can't let go but more that the hurt of the wounds aren't healed.  Perhaps it is because the same hurt keeps happening over and over again.  When we don't have communication in relationships so much goes wrong.  We lose sight of that other person and their needs.  We don't see how our actions or words have hurt them or maybe the lack of words or actions. 

In difficult situations when our dreams have been crushed, it is hard to put our faith and trust in God.  It is hard to stay to strong.  And then when we see that someone else is living that dream that you had, makes it that much harder.  But what can one do?  And the answer is definitely not turning from God or blaming God but to face the problem.  Turning to prayer and asking God.  As He is there with us through everything.  Reaching out for help. 

Those that have been blessed to live in a warm, trusting environment might not have difficulty trusting in God and His plan.  But sadly not everyone can have this.  To those who have lived through broken promises and broken dreams it isn't always easy to trust in God's plan.  To have that one person who reaches out to help heal that hurt of brokeness, really can make the world of difference.  As it gives hope and helps that healing of great hurt and pain begin to heal.  It helps to see that perhaps there is something greater.  To keep holding on. 

My God, You are the One that carries me through each day.  

More Songs

Once I found out our iTunes password I have really enjoyed downloading some new songs.  I do like this one quite I bit. 

I really like this song too.  And yes with some of the great hurt and pain I am struggling with, this really puts that smile on my face.  Not probably the nicest thing.  But I will be honest that at times I feel a "tornado" in me wanting to break free.  But through prayer and being able to talk to someone helps to control the anger I feel from the hurt. 

I also like this song too.  Not really sure how to just add songs without videos.  When I am listening to my music this one just picks me up. 

Forgiving Hurt

If we ask to know God's ways, we must be prepared to take on those ways---even to forgiving those who offend us time without number.

This is something I am trying very hard to do---forgiving many of those who have greatly hurt me.  I can forgive but what is hard and difficult is that the hurt and pain is still there.  And this is where I find I struggle.  I am not sure how to heal with the hurt and pain.  It isn't like I can just place a bandaid on it and go about my merry little way.  Because these hurts and pains continue to be reopened from the same offenses that I am trying to heal. 

I do find myself in prayer quite frequently to help heal.  It could be looked at God's superglue holding my wounds together.  Ok that was odd.  But I really do find I need to turn to God and ask for His forgiveness and then forgives those I have hurt. 

It is hard when others have hurt me and more then once through their actions or words, both, or even by doing nothing---just depends on the situation.  I am learning that sometimes I just need to focus on what is right in front me.

One thing I can do is pray for those I find difficult to love.  As this is the best way to love them is through prayer.  Yes despite what hurt may have been done, I can pray. 

In difficult situations, I must turn to You my Lord and my God and know I am never alone.  You are always with me through it all.  

Firsts

The kids had their first four days right in a row.  Talk about fun for them.  No school Thursday, Friday then Monday and Tuesday all due to snow.  They had lots of fun just playing in it.  I am not going to complain as I didn't have to get out but Dusty still had to work. 

I also shoveled for the first time.  Talk about work.  Brady did help but it was still work.  The already driven on snow was the hardest as it was packed and heavy. And towards the end it was breaking off in really big pieces that were hard to pick up and just toss aside as we both were getting tired.

Shoveling the drive for the first time

Another first was Edgar and Paylynn both getting haircuts.  Edgar was long overdue for his.  But I just couldn't get myself to chop the curls off.  He had taken scissor to his hair a while back but that wasn't enough.  Not until I cut this one stray piece in the front to stop it from falling in his eyes was then I knew it was time.    Paylynn of course wanted in on the adventure.  She wanted hers cut to her shoulders.   I just wanted 3 inches off.   We compromised.  She got a haircut and I picked the length. 

Before



After

Edgar is groomed! He looks pretty handsome to me.  And he sat pretty still as the lady cut his hair.  She was really excited too.  She also helped me as I had no idea how to cut his hair.  She gave me some suggestions and I liked them.  And as it turned out so did he because he was a big boy and sat still. I also was given a keepsake card with his curl.  Paylynn was basking in joy at her first haircut too.  She was so excited and felt like the big girls.  Of course Emma and Hannah wanted their haircut.  But I told them later.  When later, I don't know yet. 

The kids are back in school and Edgar is still at his all time high of getting into situations of mess making. 



With God all things are possible. 

Laid to Rest

On Monday 2/18/2013 my angel baby Michael Sophia was laid to rest.  It was very windy and very chilly.  It was hard to place the remains in the container along with the small knit blanket and note I wrote to my baby.  I also placed a medal of  the Guardian Angel on one side with St. Michael the Archangel on the other in the container then sprinkled fresh rose petals in the container.  Then the lid was closed.

Father began to read.  And I just began to shake and felt the tears.  But towards the end two huge gusts of wind came and I knew the Holy Spirit was present as was my angel baby that I now feel was a boy.  I couldn't help but smile as I knew.  It was powerful for me.  My angel baby knew that this was the peace I needed. 

I had written a seperate letter for family.  But waited to read it until we were indoors sitting down waiting for our lunch since it was so windy and chilly outside.   I got up and stood next to my dad as he was in the middle and I thought that then all could hear.  I knew I would cry but I really choked up and cried.  Dusty offered to read it but this is what I needed to do.  I wrote this and needed to do this to bring myself that closure and healing.

My Michael Sophia you were loved from the beginning.  From the positive pregnancy test, I had my dreams for you.  I looked to the moment to feel you move, to labor and then embrace you in my arms.  To hold you, love you, look at you, and praise God for blessing me with a tiny new soul to guide and love.

But now mommy cries.  Yes God had a plan.  And yes for a short time I did get to dream but God's plan was a bit different then mine.  I did labor.  I labored for 3.5 weeks then had to let you go. So on Tuesday 12/11/12 I let go and tried to catch you but missed so yes I reached into the toiliet to grab you and hold you.  I looked at you.  And in one second, in one breath that we take my soul was filled with everything.

But today (2/18/2013) I laid you to rest for closure to have the proper buriel you and I both know you needed for mommy to find the peace and closure.  You will always be a breathe away.  But I will never forget.  Never. 

A mother's heart loves all her blessings from God---their children, whether here on earth or in Heaven. 

I love you Michael Sophia. 



I made this sack to hold Michael Sophia







 



Everything placed in the container. 





Just a Beer

I am not a drinker.  But lately I have just been wanting a beer to just sip at. A glass of wine got me through the difficult nights while miscarrying but now I just want a cold beer.  Just one.

As much as I am ready for the closure I am also very much experiencing much emotions too.  I can hardly keep myself together.  It is just so hard waiting for Monday.  My soul grieves in sorrow and yet is finding the peace but what it does to me is cry.  Tears from the soul are so rich.  So full of rich emotion.

So yes a beer just has sounded so good.  Just one.  One to sit down with and do nothing.  Crazy I know.  Just for a moment to not think or do.  Just sit. 

Almighty Lord I shall turn to You always.  But what I ask is that when my times comes would Mary be waiting, holding my Michael Sophia and hand me my baby to hold for the first time.  This I ask of You.  To have the Blessed Motherof Christ, Queen of Heaven hand me my baby from her arms to my arms.  Her heart knows my heart as a mother. 

Buriel Date

Today my sister took me to get my eyebrows waxed.   After mine she had hers done.  I walked around the store a bit and then decided to check my phone to see if Father had emailed about having the buriel for our angel baby on Monday.  And sure enough there was an email.  And I opened it.

Monday at 11am at Resurrection Cemetery.  I just wanted to leave the store and go home and put my earphones in as I just needed to cry.  But had many other obliglations.  Right now my soul feels great sorrow but yet finding the peace it needs and it is a lot and confusing too.  I still turn to God has He knows me best.  I give Him myself so that I can do His Will and trust in Him. 

It isn't always easy.  And then added to the day was three conferences with three of the kids' teachers. 
One was at two and then I rushed home to rush her to her birthday party and then rushed home to pick up the other two to rush to meet with their teachers.  Just a very busy day. 

I also went to Stations and stayed for mass following then went to the adoration chapel to pray.  As I felt I need God's guidance.  Losing my angel baby has just been very hard on me. 

It has been so much and I need to embrace it with my whole heart and soul.  And if it becomes heavy burden to let the Good Lord know just that I feel heavy burdened and He will help.  I really know He is getting me through the moments of every day. 

So Monday will be here and I don't know.  I just don't know.  Losing my angel baby was hard and finding this peace is hard too but yet will get easier.  Jesus I trust in You.

My soul cries tears.  My Lord knows and He is there with me, never forsaking me.  He gives His Great Love to me.  And this I can only praise and thank Him.  My tears are His tears.  My tears are Mary's tears.  Tears from the soul.  

Finding Closure

Today I met with our pastor Fr. Daryl about finding the closure I am searching for.  I wanted to at first bury my angel baby Michael Sophia in our garden or plant an apple tree, Dusty wasn't too fond of the tree.  But I just wanted something.  I want closure not to forget but closure to feel at peace.  And I just didn't know how to get that. 

So I contacted our parish priest and just emailed to tell him my story.  I just needed someone to listen to my story.  To my hurt and pain and yes to some joy but just how my heart was hurting.  He responded and told me he was sorry and his blessing were with me and I could set up a time to meet to talk if I needed too. 

So once again I emailed him back to set up a time.  I explained how I needed closure but wasn't sure how to get that.  My angel baby is in the freezer and it is so hard to open the freezer and not to just want to hold my baby.  It is hard too because I have been told multiple times that a blighted ovum is the best way to miscarry.  Really the best way. When is there ever a best to lose something that we love so deeply no matter the circumstance.  Do I say to someone who lost a loved one---it was there time it was good or they died in their sleep that is the best way to die.  NO!  I offer my sympathy as the pain of losing something that you love is no longer here.  And it hurts no matter what.  Then I know that in the medical field and to some that it may just be a blob of tissue as it doesn't look like a baby to the human eye.  But to me it is my baby.  I just know as the mother in me always knows her baby. 

At first I thought I didn't have a birth story or get to hold my baby but I did just not the way I expected.  God's way was a bit different then my own.  But I don't blame Him I turn to Him.  It just hurts when I was at the Y the other day walking on the treadmill and they talk about the Pope and then jump to something about a late term abortion.  Just really fueled me up about losing my baby and here someone doesn't want theirs and kills their baby.  Just really sent my emotions on high and sent me really walking on the treadmill. 

But after the meeting with Father I was told I can have a proper buriel for my angel baby Michael Sophia.  The cemetery has a section meant just for this and provide the box free of charge and all things will be carried out for the buriel of my baby.  Oh how my soul cries tears of sorrow and yes joy too.  I am sorrowed from the loss but joyous that I am going to have a proper buriel for my baby.  My baby I only had for such a very short time and yet  I loved so much.  It just hurts and yet will bring me the closure and peace I seek. 

I just now need to find the rosary bracelet that I am looking for.  It will be my keepsake to look at and know that my angel baby is looking down and always with me just a breath away.  And in time I will hold in my arms as a mother holds her infant.  But for now I must care for the tiny souls God has already blessed me with to guide and instruct so that one day I pray that I have with the help of God taught them well.

With God all things are possible.  And never cease to pray for God listens and fills our souls with His Great Almight Love.  

Asking God

What I can only imagine my angel baby Michael Sophia is doing...praying in the arms of God. 

Asking God




I asked God to take away my habit.
God said, No.
It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.
...
I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
God said, No.
His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary

I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, No.
Patience is a byproduct of tribulations;
it isn't granted, it is learned.

I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, No.
I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, No.
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares
and brings you closer to me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said, No.
You must grow on your own! ,
but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life.
God said, No.
I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.

I ask God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.
God said...Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.



Author unknown to me

www.worksbyfaith.org

Ruffled Scarves Galore and More

I love to keep my hands busy with crafts.  And lately it has been to make these beautiful ruffled scarves.  They are just so pretty when made up.  When I buy it and it is all twisted up in the ball all I see is the colors but when it is all made up I really see just how pretty the colors lay and twist around and around.  Kinda fascinating to watch it come together. 

I also have been working on fingerless gloves for all ages.  I am trying out a new pattern right now and ordered another one to try.  I really liked the basic one but I just wanted a bit of a better fit around the palm/fingers.  So I am experimenting with these.  But they too are really fun as the all the yarn that is available to pick from just lets my imagination run free.  The endless possibilities of combinations.  Awww just so much fun.

I am also trying to find a really cute boy knit pattern to make but really haven't been as successful.  I have the yarn but still in search for that right pattern.  When I find it I will know.  It will be an ah-ha moment this is it.  But until then I can make a set of fingerless gloves to match up with this hat I am still looking for.  Girls are easier to create but I must make for boys too.

But my biggest project is to work on remembering my angel baby. I finally have started to think it out.  I really just let my heart guide me on this one.  If it feels right then that is what I am going to do.  It isn't to please any one but myself.  It is to help bring me peace and comfort.  This is something that I am still struggling with is finding that closure.  With prayer, God has guided me in the direction I believe is going to help bring that closure I need.  And I don't mean closure as in to forget but to find that deeper peace of healing.  I have been wanting to make a rosary bracelet in the colors of brown, green and pearl to wear as a memory of my angel baby that I never met.  It is just something that I feel would be healing to me too.  To look down at that beautiful bracelet with the cruxifix and Mary medal would just remind that I have an angel always looking and down on me, bringing my prayers to the Almighty or comforting me in my times of sorrow or rejoicing in my joyous times.  But whatever the circumstance I would have piece to wear as this to was my child I had only for such a short while and never met.  But I am struggling trying to find someone who would make a rosary bracelet. 

With all this crafting I have opened an etsy shop.  You can google dotsnstripesbykatie and it will pop up and just click on the link which should direct you right to my shop.  Or go to etsy and search dotsnstripesbykatie. 

Through my tears my soul sheds, I know that I am never alone.  God is ALWAYS there.  His graces and mercies fill my soul with all that I will ever need.  But I will never cease to pray.

Walk to Jog Combo

Two days ago I tried to use my workout video but my lovely and dear child of a two year old had stuck a gift card in the system so even though my video went in, it didn't play.  It did remove and so I placed it back in but it still didn't play and I didn't have as much success with the return.  I thought maybe Edgar had jammed the playstation full of CDs again but decided it best to leave it for Dusty to fix.  I did get upset over this as I really just wanted to exhaust some anxiety and not take a pill.  And I had no idea how Dusty had fixed this situation before so I just left it and with the extra built up anxiety pulled down the double bob stroller and decided a walk would work great.  But I wasn't just walking from one end of the street to the other like I usually would.  But instead I was going to walk around the entire block using the the new sidewalks that were just put in. 

Paylynn was really excited for this walk and Edgar was just as thrilled.  But little did any of us know that the walk would turn into a walk jog combination.  Oh my goodness I just got this sudden urge to take off with a slow jog.  I have never been able to run or jog my entire life.  I thought I could before my hips were fixed but really it was just a shuffle of a funny sort of fast walk.  I felt the anxiety melt away and my whole being rejoicing in just what has really been given to me.  I was just so greatful but was working up a workout so I couldn't rejoice in tears just at the moment in breaths of deep fresh air as it was a new kind of workout for me.  It was just so amazing. And yes I was praising God the whole time!  He is my All and Everything!

But when I got home I did facebook my overjoyous excitement in what I have never been able to do in my life.  It was wonderful to experience and not feel pain.  My hips didn't even give out.  They didn't hurt for once.  I have been able to walk on the treadmill at the Y and keep going back.  I don't have this plan that is brought down by debilitating pain of when will my hips not hurt or not give out.  I can actually stick to something that makes me feel good.  It is just such an awe of an experience.

Yes I did cry later that afternoon because it was beautiful to experience.  My surgeon, Dr. Millis, is such a great man who has used his gift that God gave him to heal someone like me.  He takes the time to really understand the patient and make them feel like a person not just another patient and move on to the next. He called my mother from his private cell phone to let her know that her daughter's surgery had went well.  God is in him.  If I could have, I would have been on a flight to Boston to give Dr. Millis the biggest hug with my eyes filled with such tears of joy.  Joy that I just can't express enough.  I really needed this.  The journey wasn't easy and the recovery was challenging with expected and unexpected events.  Yes I questioned and began to have such great doubt in God but suddenly I had to work at what I was losing with God.  And I never want to go down that path again. 

Yes God has a plan for me and I will always place my trust in Him.  As He knows me better then myself.  Sometimes I may not understand His plan but I am learning to place my full trust in Him.  

There has been great sorrow along this path He has planned for me and with the great sorrow there has been such great joy.  He fills me with His great mercies, love, compassion, sorrows, and joys.  He is my Everything.  Without Him I am nothing.  I am here to do His Holy Will.

My God and My All.  I trust in You.  And love You.

Such a Battle

I finally made an appt to meet with my GP.  I have had so much anxiety.  Xanax doesn't work for me as it makes me angry.  I don't need anger.  I need to be calmed down.

I did have some valium left over from hip surgeries and took one as I tolerate that ok.  And yes it did help to bring my anxiety down.

I know to most people a big family is questionable.  But for me this is my life.  This is what keeps me going.  Not planning when to add or not to add another life.  I trust God in His plan.  And when I don't, I have let doubt set in me.  I know there will be times of struggle and times of joy.  But I struggle right now. 

I was given a different drug to try for my anxiety.  But I was advised that a baby isn't the answer.  I need to look at the bigger picture.  I need to consider regulating my periods, I need to think about antidepressants to help cope with the grief of the miscarriage, and I need to think about trying to sleep.  But for this month he just gave me something for anxiety and let me think about what he thought was best.  He said I have 6 kids and that is a lot and to add another child is going to add further stress.  Is it me then that has the problem?  Is it me that is the outcast on this?

I just don't understand how what seems so simple to me is then turned into something so complicated to think about.  I don't get it one bit.  I just find myself exhausted from the thoughts and battles that occur in my head as I try to do God's will.  His will is much different then what the world has to offer.  And yes even family have told me that 6 is plenty.  That don't I know how expensive kids are.  Yes I do.  But I place my trust and faith in the Good Lord that He will never leave my side.  Yes there will be times of struggle and times of great joy.  But didn't His Son face struggles and joys Himself?  He died for us.  He turned to His Father in His great agony in the garden.  And yes I to turn to the Him in my struggles. 

I am your lowly servant and here to serve You my Lord and my God.

Getting Better

I have been doing much better the past two weeks.  I have been taking some natural supplements to help. 
Bee propolis---to help with the cyst.
Royal jelly---for ovary health
Milk thistle---for a healthy liver as I was taking so much ibuprofen and tylenol. 
Calcium---for bone health
Cod liver oil---for overall health and wellbeing
Cranberry---bladder health but only when I drink a coffee

But I do feel better overall.  Even considering the still sleepless nights I am having.  I try to just accept the restlessness I am having and use the time I really can't fall back asleep to stay in bed and just pray to God and to my baby.  I love the late night conversations as I speak from the deeper part of me.  A part of me that is filled with such richness and true meaning.   I know this is what carries me through.  I just know. 

My heart at times still breaks with tears.  He knows me, He understands me.  My heart is filled with His love.  It isn't always joy but sorrow too.  And this I must place full trust in. 

With You I am everything but without You I am nothing.

The Cause

Saturday I awoke still feeling pain.  So I drove myself to the ER.  I didn't mess with calling the dr just went in.  I had a pregnancy test done---negative but I knew that.  Blood work done.  A manual vaginal exam and a vaginal ultrasound to check for any retained pieces from the miscarriage.  But everything checked out fine.  My iron was on the lower end of normal but otherwise all the workup showed signs that my body was recovering from this whole ordeal.  During the wait for all the results I prayed and prayed that all would be ok.  But there was one thing, a cyst on my left ovary was found.  The ER doctor explained that cysts are common and can cause the pain but that all checked out and the nurse would be in to dismiss. 

It didn't even hit me until the drive home that when I went into the ER on 11/25 that a cyst was found on my left ovary.  Made me kinda think that maybe it was the same one.  But later Saturday night I thought maybe it was depression causing all my symptoms so I did the biggest no no ever and googled depression.  I just cried and cried because I thought that was my problem.  And it was in my head.  It just brought me down as I didn't want to take any antidepressants because eventually I would like to consider trying in the future but I guess that too will have too wait.  That is what I thought anyway. 

But Sunday I had a light bulb go off.  And decided to google ovarian cysts.  And wow now that explains a lot of what I feel.  Strange how a cyst can cause the backache, nausea, lower abdomenal pain, and headaches. 

So on Monday I waited for the doctor to call me.  As on Friday the director called Dusty to talk to him about the sitution.  And he just explained in a polite manner what was happening.  So on Monday when he called I just told him how I went to the ER and what was found and how I still felt.  I told him I do think the insomnia is related to the emotional part of the miscarriage but that irritability is coming from the pain I am feeling.  He went over options with me.  He also told me that when a cyst measures 4cm that is when they show symptoms but he said he didn't have ovaries and wouldn't know so he listens to his patients and size doesn't matter.  In other words he looks at the patient and not the textbook standards.  This is why I like him.  He also felt bad that I bled so heavily for so long---3.5 weeks before passing my baby.  He even admitted that he thought that on my appt on 11/27 that he had extracted the majority of it all.  So he felt bad that I was left and told everything was normal when it wasn't.  He also told me that it isn't the norm to get a period like I did so soon after that.  He just felt bad. I could hear it in his voice. He even as far to tell me that since they see miscarriages frequently that sometimes they forget that a patient doesn't know what is normal and needs that extra help.  I knew he felt bad. 

He did call out xanax to take at bedtime that I can take as needed to help get a better sleep.  He said antidepressants are fine too but that they take time to kick in and then if we start trying they become controversial as to whether how safe it is for the baby.  And just going on it for a month really wouldn't be worth it.  So together we decided for now just something to help me get me rest at night. 

For the cysts I am trying bee propolis and royal jelly as I would really like to try a natural approach first.  I just don't know if I could honestly face another surgery at this point.  Just with what happened with my last surgery is what holds me back right now.  So for now I am holding off.  I also believe that this week I should ovulate, that is if my body does, and I want to see how my body will respond to the hormones of that.  Maybe it will help and maybe it make it worse.  If it I get worse or stay the same I will call back and opt for the surgery.  But for now I just want to give it a little more time. 

So yes even though I do have some side effects emotionally from the miscarriage I also have physical complications too that are causing me to not feel 100% yet. 

My Lord you know my heart better then anyone.  I ask for your tender love and guidance during this time.  Without You I am nothing but with You I am everything.

Beyond Words

Yesterday I went to the Y to walk on the treadmill to help burn off some excess anxiety I have been having from this miscarriage.   I liked walking.  But I kept cramping every 5 minutes while walking on it.  I only walked for 20 minutes, so odd with the cramping.  But the last 5 minutes I cramped and then bled.  I was unhappy as I already was taking the advil and tylenol.  Just frustrating.  But I did feel better emotionally. 

At counseling today, the counselor listened to what I said.  And she told me I needed to get into see my OB as she felt I needed to be seen by him.  She felt that I can't grieve until I am reassured of my physical well being.  She was surprised that I was allowed to bleed heavily for 3.5 weeks with no concern and to be told to take 800mg ibuprofen and 2 tylenol, use heat and go to the ER otherwise.  That is all I have been told when I call in.  Or that I need to be filling several pads for several hours.  Ugh just exhausting---physically and emotionally--- is what I feel honestly.  At the end of my session she felt the I didn't need to see her as she felt that I needed to be seen for my physical well being.  She did say that I should mention my emotional state too but that I really need to be seen for the physical. 

After my counseling appt, I went to pick up my kids from school.  While I waited, I called the OB office and told the receptionist that I would like to make an appt with my Dr. as I haven't been doing so well from the miscarriage.  She said "one moment".  And I was put on hold.  When she returned, she said she was transferring me to his nurse as she needed to speak with me.  Ugh.  No I wanted to make an appt.  But I was transferred before I could finish.  So I talk to the nurse and tell her no I haven't been doing well.  I am angry and not sleeping.  I am cramping, hurting, and bleeding.  She then told me that they feel I need to see my family practice Dr. for this.

I hung up and called Dusty.  I was upset and in tears as I feel I am told by the ER dr to call my OB if the bleeding increases or the cramping increases.  It was even written on my discharge papers. So when I filled two pads in less then an hour and twice I might add this happened that night, I called but I was transferred to 24 hour on call nurses.  Where I was instructed that if it happened again to go into the ER.  I was tired and went to bed.  I was told to call my dr.  I did  and wasn't put through to him.  So when I went in that Tuesday 11/28 my dr told me to call him back if the bleeding hadn't slowed down or stopped by the end of that week.  It didn't but I thought pregnancy #7 I would wait until Monday.  I called Monday and was told by his nurse that  I need to be filling several pads in several hours.  So I hung up.  Well the cramping and heavy bleeding continued for a total of 3.5 weeks. 

I just am really upset that when I call the office I am transferred to the nurse and when I call to make an appt I am transferred to the nurse where I am told that I need to see my family practice doctor.  No my family practice dr hasn't seen me for this miscarriage.   I just don't know.  This has all been very frustrating as I can't get my questions answered.  I can't talk to my doctor.  I just don't know.  I am exhausted from the bleeding.  I am exhausted from the cramping.  I am exhausted from being exhausted. 

What Makes a Mother

What Makes a Mother

I thought of you and l closed my eyes.

And prayed to God today.

I asked what makes a mother and

I know I heard Him say,

A mother has a baby.

This we know is true.

But God, can you be a mother

when you baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, He replied with confidence in His voice.

I give many women babies.

When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime

and others I send to feel your womb

but there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God,

I want my baby here.

He took a breath and cleared His throat

and then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you what your child is doing today.

If you could see your child smile

with other children and say,

"We go to earth to learn our lessons

of life and love and fear.

My mommy loved me, Oh so much

I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a mom

who had so much love for me,

I learned my lesson very quickly.

My mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy. oh so much,

but I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep,

on her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

and whisper in her ear,

"'Mommy don't be sad today,

I'm your baby and I'm here.'"

So you see my dear sweet one,

your children are okay.

Your babies are here in MY home

and this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with ME

until you lesson is through.

And on the day that you come home,

they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a mother---

It's the feeling in your heart.

It's the love you had so much of,

right from the very start.

Though some on earth

may not realize you are a Mother,

until their time is done.

They'll be up here with ME one day,

and know you're the best one.

---Jennifer Wasik---

I found this poem on the internet.  But I wanted to share.  I may come across as completely nuts but I prayed one night when I couldn't sleep to my Michael Sophia.  I asked my baby to bring to the Lord my hurt and sorrow as I couldn't do this anymore.  I needed His guidance and love to embrace me. 

But as I prayed I also felt the embrace of my baby tell me I was never alone.  My baby was just a breath away.  And one day I will hold my baby.  But for now my baby is well loved.  I also felt something deep in me, that as I watched my husband sleep, that I knew he hurt from this too, he just must keep strong for me and the kids.  I knew that night he truly did love me. 

But I think why can't I find that happiness and hold on to it?  I do have good moments but I also have moments of tears and anger.  I just looked to the moment when I would labor and all that I worked for would be placed in my arms where I would embrace my baby with all my love.  But I didn't get that or so I thought. 

I have a birth story just not the typical birth story of happiness.  But yet it is happiness as my baby is in Heaven protecting the family.  I did hold my baby but not the way I expected.  I held my baby inside.   This is God's plan.  This is God's sorrow and yet this is God's happiness.  This is God's great love.  

Teen Mom

Today I awoke way to early but I just couldn't sleep.  Something I find myself doing.  Just waking up to toss and turn.  I don't hurt.  I just can't sleep.  Today it was 230am. Yes just way to early.  It isn't fun. 

Today has also brought up some hurt feelings from the past.  As most of heard or perhaps even watched the show Teen Mom.  Well someone on facebook mentioned this show and made a comment.  I just thought how I was a teen mom.  I gave up eating with my friends during lunch to go eat my sack lunch in the nurses room so I could pump.  I took her to all her well child checkups.  I went to all my prenatal checks.  I even labored without any drugs.  I did this for my baby.  Yes I was scared of being a mother.  And yes I had my mother to help me so I could stay in school and graduate.  My family was my village.   I was young.  I was 17 when I gave birth.  I loved my baby with all my heart.  I gave her my all at such a young age of when most high schoolers are having fun and hanging out.  Motherhood is a gift God has blessed me with.  Not all teen mom's are selfish. 

I remember a conversation I had with my OB at the time.  I was having cramping and called to ask about it. He just flat out told me there was nothing that could be done if anything happened.  This really stuck with me as I felt lost as to "what if".  But I went on to have a healthy baby. And the OB went back to his office to let his entire staff know how I delivered without any drugs and how wonderful I did.  He just was very impressed.  Or I remember how the pediatrician at first must have not thought much of me as I was a teen mom.  He must have thought I wouldn't keep with her appts. That my life would get into the way of caring for this precious life God had given to me.  But I loved my daughter that I took her to all her appts. 

It wasn't easy.  But I don't regret that I was cut short of living a "typical" life that the world portrays. 

Why?!?!

Thursday night I spent arguing with Dusty.  He told me I need to go back to counseling.  He told me I need to go to the Y to burn off my excess anxiety I have from this whole miscarriage and the emotions that I have. 

It makes sense.  Why don't I then pick myself up to go walk or workout?  Why don't I just pick up the phone?  It is easy to do right?  For me it is hard to find that in me right now.  I bled for 4.5 weeks.  The first 3.5 weeks were intense cramping and heavy bleeding until I passed the sac/tissue.  Then the bleeding tapered off as did the cramps. After that I had two days before I fell sick with a UTI on Christmas Eve.  I battled this for the week on antibiotics.  My body just seemed to fight getting better but after a week and a little cranberry juice after I finished the antibiotic, I felt better.  I had a few days of feeling better but then I began cramping and on and off spotting to on and off light bleeding to now full blown heavy bleeding to vicious cramping that makes me question WHY?!?!  When I call my doctor to get answers all I am ever directed to is the 24 hour nurse hotline.  Seriously nurses are great! I have my degree in nursing but nurses can't write I script only offer advice.  I take the 800 mg ibuprofen and pamprin and use a heating pad.  And all I am told is that this shouldn't be my period and they don't know and to go to the ER.  I don't want an ER bill to tell me this is my period and to take 800 mg iboprofen and tylenol and use heat.  I am doing that.  Just a circle of madness to me. 

I wish that I could just snap my fingers and poof it all be gone.  I did call to see my counselor again.  I don't want to hear that I should wait to let my body heal.  I don't want to be told how I should feel.  I don't want to be told how someone has is it worse.  I don't want to hear any of this.  I don't want to hear anything.  I don't want to be going through any of this. I want to be annoucing we are expecting.  I want that happiness.  I want to not cry or be angry because I am leaving 6  minutes later then I wanted too.  I don't want to hurt any more.  I don't want any more of this. 

Tears and Anger

Yesterday I went for what I prayed to be my last blood draw.  If it wasn't I wasn't sure what I was going to do.  It  just really angers me.  Actually everything seems to anger me.  I have a great feeling this is what postpartum depression is.  I cry and am angry most of the time.  Sometimes I have really good moments but then all of a sudden I am angry and crying.  So yes I prayed that this was my last draw.

But being that I went in around 11 am I knew I wouldn't hear anything until today.  So when the nurse called she said my levels were at 7, I felt a disappointment even though she said I didn't need to go back for any more blood draws.  She explained that I could expect my period in 3-4 weeks and that it could be heavier with more cramping then normal and last longer.  Not very excited for this.  Yes I know that it will be a good thing but right now I don't see that.  Looking back I will just not right now.

Even though I don't have to go back in and was ok with that, I still must have been building the anger because when I sat down to eat my lunch, the anger and tears just hit and went off and exploded.  I just felt so angry. 

I am angry my counselor for telling me that it is best to wait to try so both of us are ready because otherwise the child be looked upon as burden.  I took NFP classes because Dusty wasn't ready and I felt that this would help us.  Yes the class was great but I just really was ready for another baby.  But when I went in for a followup meeting and told the teacher we had tried, she was shocked and stated to me the reason we had wanted to take the class.  I felt hurt and that maybe it was a wrong decision.  Even though the congrats finally came it just stung.  I know why we took the class originally but I know to that we can change our minds.  I mean I was ready to try back early of last year and really ready in July.  So yes when I began to bleed that Sunday November 25th, I knew what I had so long desired was taken from me.  Not to hurt me.  Not to punish me.   But as a human that is what I feel is deep anguish, hurt, and pain from this all.  And as a human I can't help but feel angry towards those that guided me to wait.  I know they meant no harm or wrong but it is just what I feel right now.  I wanted so bad for my levels to be at zero.  I can't move forward until they are zero.  I can't plan what my next step will be.  I just feel so stuck and lost in my anger and tears. 

I know that the anger and tears come from the hurt.  I know that I will move on.  I know that my levels will be zero.  I know I will get through this.  But right now this is what I feel.